Newport Manners & Etiquette: Modern Day Etiquette for Old Fashion Manners + Friendship Etiquette
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
NewportManners this week.
Q. Is it bad manners or condescending to let a woman go through a door first? Sometimes I add insult to injury by standing there like an idiot because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Opening the door for her and letting her pass through? Or open the door and pass through myself before holding the door open? Or totally ignore the person behind me and rush through? What is a gentleman to do? JT, Portsmouth, RI
A. Ladies first is a chivalrous custom that most of us have hung onto. A good habit passed down from parents to child. It is a protective protocol that prevents us from bumping into each other. There's a French theory about the origin of ladies first. The lady went first to give the gentleman protecting her from behind time to draw his dueling sword, if villains were waiting to ambush them in the street.
Nowadays, it is more than likely that kids in school are encouraged to be considerate and helpful. Much the way saying, "Please,""Thank you," or "You're welcome" are commonplace. So, they're more apt to hold the door open for the person -- irrespective of gender -- who is behind them, but not necessarily wait for that person to walk through ahead of him. The same holds true for etiquette and manners in the work place and public buildings. When it comes to dating, well there's a whole other nuance there -- even without the threat of being ambushed on the street.
Do boys still carry girls' school books? Well, I doubt it because it would be near impossible for anyone to wear two knapsacks at once.
Helping an addicted friend
Q. My wife and I received a joint email from a good friend we greatly respect that brought us deeper into her relationship with her husband in an uncomfortable way. Her husband had been pulled over for impaired driving, failed a sobriety test, and was given a DUI summons to appear in court later that week.
We had been at a party with them and she had gone home early because the baby sitter had to leave. She wanted to know if her husband, also our good friend, had gotten drunk at the party. He told her he hadn't been drunk. After expressing her concern over her husband's drinking since he had been laid off his job, she asked for our help in assisting him to address his drinking problem.
We're skeptical about getting involved. Was it possible that she might be trying to build a case against him? Should we be careful about taking sides? How should we have responded to both of these good friends? Name Withheld
A. Contrary to the popular myth that "you can't help an alcoholic until he wants help," compassion is the key to helping someone with an addiction problem. Don't wait until your good friend hits bottom. Talk to his wife about your hope that her husband can figure out how to manage his problem and get treatment.
- But first talk to him suggesting that there are many options for treatment in addition to 12-step programs and residential treatments.
- You can have a positive impact on his motivation to learn new patterns of behavior.
- Addiction and shame go hand and hand. If your friend is to be saved, compassion from his friends and family may be the only thing that counteracts the isolating, stigmatizing, debilitating poison of shame.
- Shame and addiction are deeply intertwined. For example, alcoholics may be prone to shame by disposition and they may drink, in part, to cope with chronic shame and low self-worth. In addition, drinking can, in turn, cause shame, creating a vicious cycle. -- Beverly Engel
Since you can't have true compassion for him until you understand why he behaves the way he does, take the time to talk to him and listen. It will make you feel less angry that you've been put in this position.
- Don't be one of those friends who has chosen to stay with him in denial about just how serious his problem is.
- Be compassionate by showing him respect and optimism.
- Keep reaching out to him.
After your initial conversation with the husband, make it clear to his wife that you have discussed the problem with him and that you will continue to encourage her husband to set boundaries for his behavior. But he must seek treatment.
Calling a person by their first name
Q. I have a pet peeve: "Hello, I'm Christopher Jones" - answer: "Well, hi Chris." I just want to smack them! This would apply to all abbreviations such as Bill for William, etc. This goes to the importance of the Logos. Names have deep significance. Why do people assume a nickname?
We were taught to address a new acquaintance by their title and last name, until they say "Call me Bob." For instance, my ranch manager who is 25 years younger (and is like family) called me Chris in the beginning until a friend of mine corrected him. Our relationship works much better since he's been calling me Mr. Jones. Name Withheld
A. It is hard to go back to a more professional tone once someone is calling you by your first name, when you want to be called Mr. Jones. Set boundaries. When leaving a voicemail or message for him, say "Mr. Jones here." Referring to yourself as Mr. Jones in his presence should help. As you said, it took a friend to set your ranch manager straight. Engage others to help you in your endeavor to be called Mr. Jones. Even if you have to start calling your range manager "Sir." Correct someone who is overly familiar by assuming that you've got a nick name.
Sorry Not Sorry
Q. People are always saying sorry, even though they're not really, truly sorry. Most of the time, I just say, "sorry" because at the time it seems like the thing you're supposed to say -- even if you don't mean it.
Like the guy who nicked my car when getting out of his truck. He didn't see me coming to unlock my car. I caught him in the act. His nick left a little red paint, but luckily no dent. He said, "Sorry." He couldn't have cared less and only said that because he needed something to say while buffing the red paint off my car door. How do you say I'm sorry and really mean it? JL, Point Reyes, CA
A. At the very least, sorry means: I won't do it again. On the other hand, a lot of people find saying sorry a difficult thing to do and, because they feel it is a sign of weakness, it is not part of their interpersonal repertoire.
When you're truly regretful, you say, "I'm sorry I left a bit of paint on your car door." Briefly explain what you're really sorry about and be sure to say "I'm sorry" and not just the word "sorry." "I'm sorry" sounds more authentic. Adding the reason you're sorry is even better, because it is more convincing.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.com for her forthcoming book NEWPORTMANNERS.
Related Slideshow: 20 Things to Look Forward to This Fall in New England - 2018
Pumpkin Picking at Jaswell's Farm
The fall season signifies the return of pumpkins. Pumpkin beer, pumpkin pie and most of all pumpkin picking.
Pumpkin picking is a timeless event for families, especially those with young kids who will love to just run around and grab whichever pumpkin looks good to them.
Leaf Peeping at Green Mountain National Forest
One of the cool things about the fall season is the leaves on the trees and the colors that they change too.
According to smokeymountain.com, prime foliage season in New England is late September into early October.
Look forward to an enjoyable walk around the neighborhood and see how many different colors you can pick out, or just enjoy the beauty.
West Springfield, MA
The Big E in West Springfield, Massachusetts features a circus spectacular, Mardi Gras parade, agricultural competitions, arts & crafts, food contests, live music, and midway.
The Big runs from September 14 to September 30.
The Great Pumpkin Festival at the EcoTarium in Worcester is a must attend this fall in New England.
The event features more than 1000 carved pumpkins, live entertainment, family fun with trick-or-treating, displays and more.
Sam Adams Octoberfest Beer
Across New England
One of the fun things about the changing of seasons is the changing of beer flavors and with fall comes Sam Adams Octoberfest.
The Oktoberfest idea was born in 1810 when Munich celebrated the Crown Prince's wedding with a 16-day party with a special beer.
Sam Adams builds off of that idea with a beer that is perfect for the season.
The Phantom Gourmet Food Festival is an event to look forward too and it will be held on September 22 from 12- 4 p.m. on two streets next to Fenway Park.
Tickets are $40 in advance and online and will go up to $50 at the event.
The ticket includes sampling 100 of Phantom's foods from hot dogs and pizza to pulled pork and more. Beer and wine will be served on the street.
The New England Patriots Return
The NFL returns and that means that the New England Patriots are back.
The Patriots have won two of the last four Super Bowls and are among the favorites to win another one this season.
The Patriots kick off their season on Sunday, September 9 at 1 p.m. against the Houston Texans.
Apple Picking at Burtt's Apple Orchard
A great fall family event, especially those with young kids, is apple picking.
Nothing more fun than grabbing the nicest looking apple that you can find, giving it a quick wash off and then biting into it. Delicious.
Filled with great music and even better food, the Columbus Day Festival is a fall event to look forward to every season.
The feast will take place from October 6 through October 8.
Fall Boat Ride to Block Island
Block Island, RI
Though the summer weather is winding down, there is still great weather coming and great opportunities to get on the ferry and head over to Block Island for the day, or maybe even multiple days.
Fall trips to Block Island are something to look forward too.
Click here for more information.
For those nights, or days, where it's just a bit cooler out, there is nothing more comfortable than throwing on a fleece jacket and settling in for a fun day ahead.
The arrival of fall means it's time to start breaking those jackets out.
Drinking Apple Cider From Pippin Orchard
Can't you already taste it? The sweet taste of apple cider returns with the fall season.
Head over to your local market and buy some, or maybe you know how to make your own or have your own recipe. Either way, drinking apple cider is something to look forward too.
Attend Waterfire in Providence
Summer may be nearing the end, but Waterfire continues into the fall.
Waterfire is the premiere event in Providence and if you haven't gotten to one yet during the summer or fall season, now is the time to plan.
Waterfire is a great night out with different vendors, music and other entertainment lining the city streets while the river is lit up by the fire. For a really romantic and fun night, hop on a gondola ride.
The Return of Your Favorite TV Shows
One of the down sides of summer is that there is very little to watch on TV as far as new shows go. Thank goodness for Netflix and or HBO on demand.
However, the return of the fall season means the return of all the popular TV shows like Gotham, Game of Thrones, Arrow and several others.
Look forward to having something to watch at night after a long day at work.
Celebrating Halloween at Factory of Terror
Who isn't looking forward to celebrating the Halloween season at the Factory of Terror in Worcester?
The Factory of Terror consists of five different attractions including Dracula's HIdeaway, Phobia Mayhem, Zombie Alley and much more.
Fall Golf at Harbor Lights
The end of Summer does not mean the end of golf season.
The fall is a great time of year for golfing at Harbor Lights or any of the courses across the state.
The fall offers some of the best-golfing weather of the year, not too hot and not too cold.
Golf season has not left.
Harpoon Brewery will hold their 28th annual Octoberfest from September 28 through September 29.
The event will feature Harpoon brews, bratwursts, chicken dancing and German chocolate cake eating contests as well as Oompah music.
Harpoon Brewery is located at 306 Northern Ave in Boston.
Click here for more information or for tickets.
Elton John's Farewell Tour at TD Garden
Rock n' Roll legend Elton John is bringing his farewell tour to Boston's TD Garden on October 6.
Don't miss out on the opportunity to see one of the greatest of all time sing songs such as "Bennie & the Jets," "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," and more.
PHOTO: David Shankbone/wikipedia
Dive into history at King Richard's Faire, New England's oldest and largest Renaissance Festival and most beloved annual fall event. Dress up, play games and learn a lot at a fair that is a great fall event for the entire family.
The Fair runs from September 1 through October 21.
What better way to spend a fall evening than strolling through Roger Williams Park Zoo and viewing some cool Jack-O-Lanterns.
The Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular at Roger Williams Park is a Rhode Island and New England Fall staple featuring thousands of illuminated pumpkins from October 4 to November 4.
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