Newport Manners & Etiquette: Relationship Dilemmas

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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What to do when a blind date goes badly, and when he has pre-wedding jitters. How to regulate e-cigarette vaping in your home and business. And what to say about the forgotten birthday gift, were all questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners this week.

Hot to regulate e-cigarette usage

Q.  How do we regulate e-cigarette usage in our home and restaurant? Because they are not illegal, friends feel they can vap up in our home. Customers in our restaurant vap at the bar. We’re not a vapor lounge. We don’t have the authority to tell them no vapping. We say, “Please, go outside, with that” and they do. But then passersby see a group of  people, including kids, outside our restaurant smoking e-cigarettes! It’s bad for business. We’re a family restaurant. Restaurateur, Providence, RI

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A.  In 2009, the Food and Drug Administration was empowered to regulate all nicotine products, including e-cigarette usage. There has been no change since then. Last week the federal government divulged the fact that youth e-cigarette usage tripled in the past year, outpacing traditional cigarette usage. That's hardly surprising.

Most of us know that all new tobacco users are children, so it is also no surprise that tobacco companies’ marketing tactics target children with 7,000 fruit- and candy-flavored e-cigarette products. All of which should be banned for sale online. Studies show that those who are not addicted to nicotine as children, don’t smoke as adults.

If Los Angeles and Santa Monica, among other cities and towns, can ban e-cigarette usage, so can Providence. Cozy up to your city council members, even if you have to wine them and dine at your restaurant. Pushing for rules on the books locally is your best solution. Tell your city council members this:

E-cigarettes utilize a propylene glycol or vegetable glycerin based liquid mixed with nicotine and artificial food coloring and flavoring -- all of which are damaging to the lungs. The e-cigarette is merely an insidious device to hook children onto nicotine.

For the time being, find ‘NO SMOKING cigarettes of any kind’ signs and display them tastefully inside and out.  ~Didi

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What to do about a fiancé with cold feet

Q.  My fiancé has pre-wedding jitters. What do I do about a fiancé with cold feet? We’re supposed to be getting married next month. I love him more than anyone in the whole entire world, but his doubting is stressing me out. My heart will be broken if he breaks off our engagement. Should we postpone our wedding? I really don’t want to call it off. I love him with my whole heart.  C.C., Brooklyn, NY

A.  Most major decisions prompt their quota of nervous hesitation, but research shows that it is the subject and source of those doubts that matter and not just the presence of, say, jitters — or a fiancé with cold feet. It’s like any huge decision, it needs to be thought out.

What might be helpful to remember is that studies show that most divorced couples didn’t have doubts about getting married.

We all have high expectations of living happily ever after with a true partner.

At this point in time, aside from talking to a therapist, writing down his doubts about his decision to marry you — instead of only talking to you about his fear and trepidation — could help him develop more confidence in his ability to make such a huge decision.

Doubts don’t usually evaporate, but they can become suppressed and rise to the surface later in life. Writing about his doubts and sharing them with you could help your fiancé understand the identity change that he is going through in becoming your husband.

Pre-wedding cold feet can come from understanding that he is going to have to adapt to the changes in his life that marriage will bring about — with your help.

Try yoga to de-stress.

At NewportManners we recommend taking the quiz 36 Ways to Know Your Lover. If your fiancé makes it through those 36 questions and still wants to be your life partner, he deserves you.

Go to the NewportManners Home page and click-on How Tos to find How To Really Know Your Lover.  ~Didi

What to do when a blind date went badly

Q.  When the first date goes badly what do you do?

I was set up for a same-sex date with a friend of a friend, because he frequently does business in my city. We made a plan to meet after work at his posh hotel. He texted to tell me that my key to his room was at the front desk and to make myself comfortable, order drinks from room service, take a bath and turn on the TV.

I responded that I would meet him in his hotel lobby. He texted that he hoped he would find me relaxing in his bed. Back to him, I said that I was waiting at a table in the hotel lobby bar. We had a couple of drinks and cocktail appetizers while chatting amicably before I left to go home.

What are the expectations for a blind date? We both have high-level corporate jobs. We’re not kids. We’ve both been in a serious relationship at one time or another. It was uncivilized of him to think I would take off my suit, tie, and socks before meeting him and shaking hands.

Our mutual friend is pumping me for information about our blind date. He said that his friend really liked me and hoped to see me again. I do like him. However, it was a bad first date. How do I handle it from my end?  –G.W., Chicago, IL

A.  The ball is in your court because you went home instead of going to his room on your first date. Your new friend was not wasting any time getting to the point. He knows he overplayed his hand on your blind date and it sounds as though he is up for round two.

Next time, set your boundaries ahead of time. Don’t meet at his hotel. Be civilized, make a dinner reservation at a smart restaurant with a table for two.

Gay or straight, it is disrespectful to assume sex on the first date — especially a blind first date. If a blind date asked me to wait for him in his hotel room and suggested that I bathe and order a drink before he arrived, I would be humiliated.

You’ve won the respect of your suitor, because you took control in the end.  ~Didi

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What to say about NOT getting a present

Q.  How do I politely remind one of the moms in my son's class that her son came to my son's sixth birthday party and didn't bring a present? My son took a nice birthday present to his party and keeps asking why he didn't get a gift from his friend?  D.C., Barrington, RI

A.  You don't. Birthday parties are not about the presents and who brought what. If the guest wishes to bring one and can afford to purchase one or has the time to make one, he does. Understandably, your son is disappointed. Have a talk with him about how giving a gift is an option. 

If a friend doesn't bring a present, It doesn't mean that child doesn't like him -- or they wouldn't have attended. Mention that there could be several valid reasons why the child didn't bring your son a birthday gift. The parent may have forgotten or simply didn't have time to buy a present and wrap it. There could have been a miscommunication between the parent and the caregiver who thought she was taking him to a playdate and not a birthday party. 

Possibly there was no money to purchase a present and the parent didn't want to disappoint their child by not letting him attend your son's party because she couldn't afford to buy a gift. You and your son may never know the reason. It is important for your child to focus on the friendship and not the gift.  ~Didi

Didi Lorillard researches all matters of manners and etiquette at NewportManners. Ask Didi your question about love, relationships and everyday dilemmas for a personal response.

 

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