Newport Manners & Etiquette: Four Helpful Hints for Happier Holidays

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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During the holidays we are more aware of sharing germs while cruising out and about shaking hands and kissing. Wagering on the election and good old-fashioned colorism were questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners this week.

Handling the handshake 

Q.  Due to a mild nerve injury in my right hand I cannot bare to shake hands. In my line of work, manners are important in terms of first impressions. Not only for me but as a representative of my company I have to be polite when greeting clients and coworkers. Is there a way I can get around NOT shaking hands?  ED, Chicago

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A.  Traditionally, hand shaking was a sign of trust that said you weren't carrying a weapon, when you were offering an empty hand. Today, the purpose of the handshake is to signal that you are genuinely pleased to meet the person or to see them again. U.K research shows that a strong, firm handshake that projects extroversion and emotional expressiveness may well affect the chance of clinching the deal or being hired for the job. On the dark side, one or the other, or both persons, could be hypocrites.

It is difficult to refrain from shaking hands. We don't think about how we're putting others, or ourselves, at risk. Most of us don't wash our hands with soap for longer than ten seconds. Moreover, the awkwardness of refusing to shake hands even for a legitimate reason, overpowers our concern that shaking hands is a hazard we are taught to tolerate.

If you absolutely must avoid shaking hands, choose a hand-shake-free greeting. Say, that you have "a touch of a cough." Or simply, "I don't shake hands, it is nothing personal."

Alternatively, offer a good smile while giving a slight wave of your hand. Try the queen's wave where you raise an open welcoming palm with the tips of your fingers pointed toward the ceiling and wave from left to right until you've got the attention of the person you're greeting. It is called the "windshield wiper wave."

Nonromantic kissing

Q.  One kiss on the lips transfers 80 billion bacteria. How do I avoid the traditional kiss in order to live long enough to get through the holiday crunch?  AJ, Boston

A.  Be enterprising and offer your cheek and you'll be dodging lips. It leaves the greeter with the choice of "soft kissing" as they touch their cheek to yours (without lips touching skin), or they simply post a kiss on your cheek. The point is to avoid the "smack on the lips" and the "locking of the lips" by offering a detour.

  • A nonromantic kiss is used to seal a friendship.
  • For no contact use an air kiss, pucker and blow.
  • Europeans kiss on both cheeks, with a third on the forehead of a child.

 

Colorism on the playground

Q.  Tell me how to respond when another parent on the playground or at my child's school chats me up to find out if I am my son's babysitter. My son is blonde with grey-green eyes and white skin. My skin and eyes are dark chocolate and my hair is as black as coal. When I answer that my son is my son, they inevitably ask if he is adopted.  JC, Brooklyn, NY

A.  Color me surprised because one assumes that in 2016 a mature person would know better than to be nosy about another person's coloring. There are questions that simply aren't asked. Once the parent has truly friended you, you can bring up the differences in your coloring. 

Chances are, these parents are not going to want to engage in a tough conversation about tough issues. Clearly state that, "Timothy is my biological son," and leave it at that.

According to spellcheck the word colorism doesn't officially exist. Despite the fact that the Pulitzer Prize winning author and activist Alice Walker coined the word in her 1983 book, IN SEARCH OF OUR MOTHER'S GARDEN, to mean "prejudicial preferential treatment of same-race based solely on color." Think of colorism as a stepchild of racism.

Wagering the election

Q.  Over drinks a colleague badgered me into making a wager I knew he could not win. After the election who brings up the wager? The person who made it and lost it or the person who was goaded into betting? He insisted that we shake hands on the bet.  TC, Providence

A.  Obviously a gentleman would follow through on his promise to pay up if he didn't win the bet. Give him a week or two before asking him jovially, "When are you going to make good on your bet?" If he says "what bet?" let it go.

 

Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.

 

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