Newport Manners & Etiquette:  Death of The Thank-You Note

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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The etiquette of the thank-you note is unfolding with a fresh set of rules for when and how to show gratitude in a mannerly way. Thank-yous for all from holiday parties to shower presents or a wedding, an expression of appreciation is always treasured. All questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners the first week in 2016. 
 
Guidelines for thank-you note etiquette
 
Q.  As a working mother I've found it a hell of a lot easier to email one generic thank-you note which I personalize slightly for each person before clicking send. Alternating between adding 'thank you for having us at your holiday party' to 'thanks ever so much for the delicious tin of cheese straws.' My sister says the recipient will assume I copied the email and wrote the same thank-you note to everyone. Isn't it better to send a thank-you note any way I can and get the job done with an email, rather than agonizing over writing by hand every note and never finishing the arduous task?  EH, Roxbury, MA

A.  A handwritten thank-you note trumps any other kind of expression of gratitude -- even a phone call. Take shortcuts if you have to with an thank you e-card (such as a Jacquie Lawson @ jacquielawson.com) but when sustaining the relationship is of the utmost importance to you, use that stationery or the correspondence cards in the back of your drawer and write a heartfelt letter of appreciation with your favorite pen.

  • A thank-you card or letter is best mailed within two weeks.
  • Reasons to write a thank-you card: To express gratitude for support, whether for a job interview, reference, letter of recommendation; to acknowledge the receipt of a present for a holiday, birthday, wedding, christening, communion, anniversary, graduation; in appreciation for a condolence letter for the loss of a loved one; or for having been invited to a professional or social event.
  • From an early age, children who learn to write thank-you notes expressing their thanks for a specific present develop a livelong skill, the art of showing appreciation: 

Dear Uncle Tom,

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Thank you for my bike. I like having a basket to carry my ball and a bell to ring. Dad is teaching me how to ride it.
Love from,

Charlie B. 

When the gift is from multiple-coworkers

Q.  When you receive a baby shower present and the card is signed by six of your coworkers, do you have to send a separate thank-you note to all six?  BL, Wallingford, CT
 
A. Basically write the same note using slightly different wording for each coworker. Choosing different adjectives (to express your appreciation: we greatly appreciate; thanks ever so much). Look at it this way: if all six coworkers had given you six separate presents, wouldn't you acknowledge each one individually?

  • Should you receive one gift from more than ten people, use a bit of humor handwritten on letter paper or in a thank-you card, and then post it on the bulletin board at work. But don't forget to list each coworker's name in the salutation alphabetically: Dear Alice, Betty, Cathy, Deb, Eve, Fifi, Frankie, Georgina, Hilary, and Mary. 

 

In gratitude for a favor
 
Q.  My husband says we need to write a letter to one of his colleagues who helped get our son admitted a prestigious school on scholarship. He may well have gotten in on his own, but Bill insists that I write a handwritten letter. We were also contemplating sending him a gift such as a case of wine, but we cannot afford a Premier Cru. What should we do?  ~Name Withheld, Providence
 
A.  Forget the Premier Cru, or the Grand Cru, and be grateful for the fact that your husband's colleague stuck his neck out, not to mention making the time commitment, in promoting the acceptance of your scholar to the school of his choice. If you could afford to send him a case of wine from Bordeaux or Burgundy, your son wouldn't need financial aid. Incidentally, it is up to your husband to write the thank-you note to his colleague. If he was your colleague and not your husband's, only then would it be your moral obligation.
Do I send a wedding present and a thank-you note
 
Q.  Having sent a wedding present to my recently married friend and her husband, do I also have to write a thank-you note to her parents, who hosted the wedding? The wedding present was from their bridal registry and I spent the amount of what it cost the parents to host me, $100 per person.  Izzy, Boston
 
A.  You have fulfilled your obligation by sending a wedding present from the bridal registry. If you have a history with the bride's parents and anticipate seeing them in the future, it would be a good idea to send a warm message of appreciation for hosting you at such a lovely wedding. On the other hand, if you are not invested in sustaining the relationship, you are not required to send a thank-you on top of a wedding present. However, if you do run into your friend's parents at some point, be sure to express your gratitude.
 
Didi Lorillard researches all matters of manners and etiquette at NewportManners. All answers are handled discreetly, if not anonymously.  

 

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