Modern Manners + Etiquette: Relationship Issues
Monday, February 06, 2012
What is the etiquette of social kissing in flu season? Do I accept an invitation to "friend" a potential boss? How do I defriend a friend I no longer like? Here are typical questions about redefining relationships that came into NewportManners.com this past week.
Dear Didi,
I recently moved here for my dream job and I have to admit that for the first few months it wasn't easy making new friends. Now that I've had time to make some, I have a new life. My problem is my old friends want to come visit and party. They want to meet my new friends, but I don't think my coworkers will like them. I am not becoming a snob. I don't want to hurt feelings, but I don't have time to answer their constant texts asking, "What's up?" or "What's happening?" It makes me feel like I'm still in school and that they just want to know, "Where's the party tonight?" How can I be honest about needing space without hurting feelings? Mary, Providence
Dear Mary,
Pruning out old friends becomes natural and inevitable as your grownup life defines who you are becoming. Exchanges with former BFF's become awkward. No, you're not really busy all weekend, but you find yourself making excuses to get out of seeing old friends and you don't want to create ill-will and hurt feelings. Whether you're a preeminent connector or really only know 150 of your Facebook friends, dropping "starter" friends from your school days or previous jobs is a normal progression at your life stage. This winnowing process is so normal it even has a clinical name, socioemotional selectivity theory. It refers to a decline in the number of friends adults feel they need in the aftermath of their socially aggressive high school days.
First off, start pulling away by sharing less privileged information and stop answering their texts immediately—and then even less frequently. Of course, you can answer the important questions right away, just not those that ask, "What's up?" or "Where's the party?" When questioned why you're not responding, say, "I'm really busy," or if it's true, "I've been traveling." Think about which acquaintances fit into the "linear" friends category (those with whom you have a deep-rooted connection) and "nonlinear" friends (people you partied with at prior jobs or in school and don't know as well). If you get pinned down, say, "I have a new life and I feel I need space to meet new people." A good, true friendship is never over, so even if you don't spend as much time with your old BFF's as you used to, you just might party with some of them again some day. After a hiatus, you might even find that you can make new friends and keep the old. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
I'm looking for a more advanced job and think I'm in the running for a position at an amazing company I want to work for. But I'm not sure how to handle a tricky situation. One of the people who just interviewed me requested to friend me on Facebook. I don't know whether to accept the request or ignore it. It just seems too personal. Is she snooping or what? What should I do? I want to keep this professional but I want the job. Alden, Providence
Dear Alden,
The request to connect can be a good sign because it suggests that this person is interested in keeping in touch either because of your current job or the one you're interviewing for. She just might be looking for topics to ask you about. You're justifiably concerned that it's too personal for a potential superior to be friending you on Facebook, which really is social media for friends and family more than for professional networking. You definitely wouldn't send a friend request to a potential boss at a business you're targeting. Why not turn it around and send her an invitation to join you on LinkedIn. Sure, you can check out the company's Facebook page and you can even "like" it: you're just doing research to help you rework your résumé and prepare for the next round of interviews. You can also follow the corporation on Twitter during the job-searching process to become savvy about what's going on at the moment.
However, joining LinkedIn groups will allow you to contribute actively to the industry's conversations and follow influential figures, which ultimately could help you have an edge over the other applicants. By engaging in the industry's social media, you'll not only show (her) that you're focused on the organization, but by reading blogs, subscribing to e-newletters/RSS feeds, answering polls, liking posts, and making brilliant comments in discussions, you'll stand out from the pack. Remember to be polite at all times, even when you disagree and think someone is wrong. Be sure to fact check and check spelling and grammar of any public feed you contribute to. Reread it several times because your image is at stake. Sharing information is good but strategic sharing is even better, which is why you want to invite her to join you on LinkedIn, rather than friending her on Facebook. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and it's customary to kiss upon seeing someone, especially at a cocktail party after a few drinks. When greeting the male contingent they always lean in to kiss and I know immediately where their lips are headed. When I veer to the left to steer them toward my right check, I don't seem to have much luck.They want a smack on the lips. Not only does it take some of the shine off my lipgloss but it's bronchitis and flu season! What is a gal to do? Elizabeth, Watch Hill
Dear Elizabeth,
When you see him homing in on your glossy lips, slow him down. With the free hand that's not holding your wine glass, take a firm grasp of his nearest bicep muscle, while looking deeply into his eyes, and say, "Arnold, you look great! How do you keep yourself so busy?" Get him talking about himself and he'll forget that requisite kiss. Alternatively, you can put out your hand for a wholesome shake, but he could use your arm as leverage to pull you in for that slippery smack. ~Didi
Faire la bise (kiss people on the cheek)
Postscript: The French have refined social kissing etiquette that goes like this: Two kisses, one on each check are normal—although in rural areas of France it can be three kisses. Start on the right side, then shift to the left cheek. In France it's always the older person, the most well-known person (elected or appointed official), and the woman, rather than the man, who initiates the first social kiss.
Didi Lorillard researches trends in relationships at NewportManners.com, or you can find Didi on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn, after reading her previous columns listed below.
Related Articles
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Cellphone Crimes
- Modern Manners: Kissing Dos and Don’ts
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Worst Manners Awards of 2011
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Telling It Like It Isn’t
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Cheating
