Newport Manners & Etiquette: Dating Etiquette Updated + More
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert
Looking for a date on Valentine's Day or any night? Is it polite to ask your reference why he didn't give you a glowing recommendation? Funeral etiquette for what to say and not say to the survivors. All questions to Didi Lorillard at
NewportManners this week.
Looking for love in the right place
Q. Let's say, I'm not conventionally good looking. What girls call hot. Which is why I haven't used conventional dating sites that use an 'appearance-based match-making process.' I can't use someone else's photo in the hope of getting my foot in the door, so to speak, long enough to get to know her and she me, because when we eventually meet I'm not the guy in the photo from the dating site -- she'll be disappointed. What is a guy like me do to find true love? By the way, I am 37-years-old, really six feet tall, and keep in shape. I also am gainfully employed and love sailing. John, Rhode Island
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A. Why not try a mobile app like Tinder? That tells you who is also available nearby. As of January 2015, over 1.5 billion Tinder profiles have been seen -- and literally swiped -- leading to more than 21 million matches made every day. Yes, John, there is someone out there for everyone. Perhaps, many more than you can imagine. Despite it's reputation as a fast hookup site for casual sex, there is something to be said for the numbers.
On a mobile app such as Tinder, you would be less likely to fall head over heels for someone who lives on the west coast. You wouldn't waste time chatting up a woman online for months to finally score her phone number. What you see is pretty much what you get -- an expanded ocean of potential partners through a matchmaking mobile app that uses geolocation technology.
Researches have concluded -- after a century of studying what makes people click -- that romanic relationships cannot be predicted through curated text and a handful of photos. Two people can only become romantically compatible after they have already met in person and experienced a chemistry between them. Your smartphone may be the key to helping you find a mate faster.
Swiping to the right those photos of women that turn you on and swiping left those who don't interest you, will whittle down your search eliminating improbables until you find a match in the gallery. Perhaps, for only one night -- or for the rest of your life. The numbers are on your side. ~Didi
Can I Ask Him What He Said?
Q. I didn't get a job I had my heart set on. All throughout the interview process I felt I had a good shot at the perfect job for me. Never did I feel to the contrary. Unfortunately, I didn't get it and I'm guessing that one of my references gave me a lukewarm report. Can I ask him what he said? K.S., Boston
A. Absolutely, call the reference. Tell him you applied for a job you really wanted and thought you had a good chance of getting, and you want to know if he received a call for a reference. Ask him point blank. If he gave youa good reference, he'll tell you. If he did not, it is better to know, so that you don't use his name in the future.
Should he offer an explanation as to why he had not been more enthusiastic, listen and thank him for his honesty.
On the other hand, if your reference is vague about being asked, don't probe. As a professional, he really should have the integrity to tell you that he either didn't return the call or didn't give you a favorable reference. Going forward, you are better off knowing how he responded to the call asking about you. Thank him for taking the time to talk to you before cutting off the conversation.
The person who initiates the conversation by making the call, ends the conversation. ~Didi
When to stay silent
Q. A friend of ours died in a car accident recently and we're not only at a loss for words, but we're at a loss for the right words to say to his family and friends of the family. They have a child who is in school with one of our children and it has been difficult telling them what to say and what not to say. Please, give us some badly needed guidance. Anonymous, Rhode Island
A. When in doubt as to what to say and what not to say it is advisable to say as little possible. The best thing to say is that you have been thinking about them. The worst thing to say is "How are you?" Obviously, they are not feeling great and you cannot take away the pain. They just lost their father or husband.
Your feelings of helplessness shouldn't keep you from reaching out and encouraging your children to reach out to their friend. Don't underestimate the power of love. Words give us power, so let the adult or child find the right words. Most importantly, tell good memories. Children dealing with loss have many of the same feelings and needs as adults, but fewer resources and coping skills to deal with their feelings. Any way to ease the pain of mourning is welcome.
We all mourn in our own way and in our own time, and have individual patterns and outlets for grief. Sometimes it is best to say nothing and just be with the person, or give a big hug instead of saying anything. If you have a favorite memory of the deceased, share it. Or simply say: 'I am sorry for your loss,' 'I wish I had the right words, just please know that I care about you and your children,' 'I can't say that I know how you feel, but I'm here to help any way I can.'
It would be insensitive to ask for details about the accident, such as, 'Was he wearing a seatbelt?' You simply wouldn't ask a question like that. Someone will probably tell you, anyway. Or say things such as, 'He is in a better place,' or 'There is a reason for everything,' or never 'You're still young you can marry again,' or 'I know how you feel.' Stay clear of bringing in God and religion, because you never know, the survivor could be very angry at God right now.
Let the widow know you're thinking about her and check up on her from time to time, because, after all, when the out-of-town family and friends have gone home and she is alone, your friend will need you most. When the children are back in school and she is alone with her pain -- and her memories. Let her know that she and her children are in your thoughts and prayers and that you're here to help. ~Didi
Do you have a dilemma for Didi about love, family and life in general? Visit NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore some of Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.
Related Slideshow: Great Valentine’s Day Restaurants
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The Spiced Pear
In The Chanler Hotel, 117 Memorial Blvd, Newport
Recently voted as one of the top 100 Most Romantic Restaurants in America for 2015 by the OpenTable Diners’ Choice Awards, The Spiced Pear is an excellent choice for a romantic meal out with your Valentine. The cuisine is a blend of New England fare with classic French influences. The elegant dining room overlooks the ocean and is within The Chandler Hotel, which was the first mansion to be built on the Cliff Walk. The restaurant offers a six-course, nine-course or an a la carte menu.
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Chapel Grille
3000 Chapel View Boulevard, Cranston
The Chapel Grille in Cranston is a beautiful restaurant with historic charm. The Cathedral Bar, located inside, was originally built in 1891, and the rest of the restaurant’s décor and architecture matches perfectly. They boast Mediterranean Italian influenced hearth-style cuisine that uses local ingredients to satisfy diners. Overlooking Providence and Cranston, the views at sunset are wonderful. Inside, enjoy romantic fireside dining. For extra romance, reserve a table for two and order from their special Valentine’s Day Menu with delicious options like Roasted RI Oysters and a Roast Rack of New Zealand Lamb with goat cheese and herbs.
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Aspire
311 Westminster Street, Providence
Aspire, in Hotel Providence on Westminster Street in Providence, is offering a Valentine’s Day weekend special. From February 13th through the 15th, enjoy a 3 course dinner for two for $65 per person, or $85 per person if you choose to include a wine pairing. Aspire is a farm-to table restaurant led by Executive Chef Jori Rieben. Rieben creates seasonal menus of New England fare with French influences. He even uses his own rooftop herb garden! The dishes are beautifully plated and the environment is intimate and elegant, perfect for a romantic date with a loved one.
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Cav
14 Imperial Place, Providence
Tucked away in the Knowledge District of Providence, Cav is an elegantly artsy restaurant. Decorated with various pieces of artwork, all for sale, Cav doubles as an art gallery. The dining room is filled with warm colors like reds and golds, lush textures, and soft lighting. Dinner options include Pasta Florentine – made with freshly cut pasta – and Wild Mushroom Risotto, and the Chef dinner specials are always worth trying.
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White Horse Tavern
26 Marlborough Street, Newport
This historic tavern has been serving food and drinks for over 340 years. Originally founded in 1673, the White Horse Tavern is a cozy place to enjoy a romantic dinner for two. With Executive Chef Rich Silvia – a born-and-raised Rhode Islander – preparing creative farm-to-table meals made with meats and produce sourced from local farms and seafood sourced from the Narragansett Bay, you and your Valentine are sure to love your night out in Newport.
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Besos Kitchen
378 Main Street, East Greenwich
Literally meaning “Kisses” in Spanish, this eatery in East Greenwich is a perfect option for you and your Valentine. They offer a variety of dishes, from grilled pizzas, to small plates, to entrees. As if their famous Chilean Sea Bass, Beef Wellington, or Duck Bolognese aren’t enough to win you over, their Valentine’s Cocktail list should do the trick. Featuring specials like “Love Ever After,” a house-infused tangerine and Prosecco vodka with cranberry liqueur, exactly seven drops of orange cream citrate and topped with Prosecco, and “Sparkling Bouquet,” muddled blueberries and lemon slices with Crème de Violette, elderflower liqueur, and Prosecco, Besos is sure to win you some real life kisses on Valentine’s Day.
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Julian’s
318 Broadway, Providence
Known for their Sunday Brunch, interesting beer selections and phenomenal vegetarian and vegan menus, Julian’s in Providence is the place to be if you’re looking for a new experience. For Valentine’s Day, they are offering two very special menus. For $69 per person, you and your Valentine can enjoy a vegan or non-vegan seven course dinner, with the option for drink pairings. Reservations definitely recommended.
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Bistro 22
22 Midway Road, Cranston
Bistro 22 is a hidden gem in Cranston’s Garden City. Its small dining room offers a close and intimate dining experience, without overcrowding. The décor is chic and the food is delicious. The menu boasts old family recipes in addition to more contemporary plates. With entrees like gnocchi stuffed with roasted butternut squash and goat cheese or overnight braised short ribs with mashed potatoes, it’s easy to see how well Bistro 22 intertwines classic and contemporary ideas. The service at Bistro 22 is attentive, but not overbearing, leaving you and your Valentine to enjoy a romantic dinner over a glass of wine.
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Bouchard Restaurant Inn
505 Thames Street, Newport
With a strict dress code of Business Casual and a no-chidren-under-7 rule, you can be sure to expect an elegant night out with some of the best French cuisine in the state at the Bouchard Restaurant in Newport. You can find this charming historic Colonial on Lower Thames Street. Inside features a fireplace for warm and cozy fireside dining as well as a bar. They do offer free parking nearby. Reservations are recommended.
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Los Andes
903 Chalkstone Ave, Providence
For a South American flair, try Los Andes’ Bolivian and Peruvian inspired menu. The walls of the dining room are a deep red and decorated with wine bottles and typical Bolivian and Peruvian pieces. It is a dimly lit and cozy space to enjoy some wonderfully prepared seafood or steak. If you’re feeling adventurous, the cow tongue or beef heart are excellent choices. For an appetizer, try the ceviche martini. With personal service that makes you feel like you’re the only customers that matter, it is easy to see why Los Andes has recently been voted in the top 100 restaurants in America on Yelp. Reservations are definitely recommended.
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Castle Hill Inn
590 Ocean Drive, Newport
The Castle Hill Inn, on Ocean Drive in Newport, offers stunning views of the Narragansett Bay from the dining room in addition to an elegant and tasty meal. Executive Chef Karsten Hart uses local ingredients to serve creative and refined dishes. To make the experience even more romantic for Valentine’s Day, reserve a table for their special four-course dinner for $98 per person.
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The Dorrance
60 Dorrance Street, Providence
Right in downtown Providence, the Dorrance exudes romance with its elegant decor of the past. Located in an old building on Dorrance Street that used to be a Federal Reserve Bank, it has high and ornate ceilings, warm colors, marble floors and walls and an elegant wooden bar in the center. Their handcrafted cocktails are famous and the food is typical New England cuisine that has been transformed with global inspirations.
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Tallulah on Thames
464 Thames Street, Newport
Right in the heart of Newport, Tallulah on Thames is known for its intimate atmosphere and exquisite dining experience. Tallulah on Thames prides themselves on using seasonal and local ingredients sourced from partner farms in Rhode Island and nearby New England states to create their entrees. They will be offering their usual four- or six-course prix fixe menu for Friday and Sunday nights this weekend, with reservations recommended. For Saturday, they are doing something extra special. Enjoy a four-course, set menu with a toast of sparkling wine for $75 per person.
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Iron Works Tavern
697 Jefferson Blvd, Warwick
The Iron Works Tavern in Warwick is offering a 3-course prix-fixe menu that the head chef has arranged to be served both Friday and Saturday on Valentine’s Day weekend. This includes options such as a lobster bisque and roasted beet duo as appetizers and filet mignon and pan-seared chicken breast for entrees, for the price of $35 per person.
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India Restaurant
1060 Hope Street, Providence
If you're looking for something a little different for Valentine's Day, look no further than India Restaurant on Hope Street in Providence. India provides those with special reservations with tables stationed near 3 fireplaces, adding a romantic touch to you and your mate’s dinner. India’s “Love Potion,” named the Kamasutra martini, is a special Valentine’s Day beverage made of cognac, orange and passion fruit that is shaken with pineapple rum. Also, belly dancers and henna will be on hand for an added touch of Indian culture.
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The Mooring
1 Sayers Wharf, Newport
Located on Sayer’s Wharf in Newport, The Mooring will be providing prix-fixe seafood specials that include a choice of Alaskan king crab ravioli and baked stuffed oysters as appetizers, with a New York Strip or Maine lobster serving as the main courses. The beautiful panoramic views of Narragansett Bay provide an ambiance to the restaurant that will make you and your date feel like you’re both lost at sea in each other’s eyes as the night rolls along.
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Waterman Grille
4 Richmond Square, Providence
Providence’s waterfront has been synonymous with some of Rhode Island’s best restaurants. Waterman Grille will be having their own Valentine’s Day special menu lined up for those who reserve a table for two. The special menu will be featuring Rhode Island oysters on the half shell as the appetizer of choice, with the option to order either surf & turf or pan-roasted halibut as the main course. The standard menu of wood-fire grilled specialities and seasonal comfort food will also be available to customers.
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