Dear John: An Affair To Forget
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
What's your problem? Write to John at [email protected]
Dear John,
My father passed away a while back. I recently received an email from an aunt (my mother’s sister – my mother passed away several years ago) informing me of an affair my aunt claims my father had a long time ago. She said she was telling me so I would have a greater appreciation of everything my mother went through at the hands of my father.
I’m still shocked and angry about this, to be honest. My parents’ marriage was very average – they had the typical ups and downs but they did their best. My father could be difficult, but my mother could be too. I have no idea if this allegation is true, but I’m furious with my aunt for making it. She never liked my father, but I never thought she would resort to something this low. What am I supposed to do with this information now? I can’t ask my father about it, so am I supposed to just think, “Oh, guess he’s not the man I thought he was after all” and move on? And how do I respond to my aunt?
Sincerely,
Sad Son, Angry Nephew
Dear Sad Son,
What a cruel, cowardly thing to do! Your aunt sounds pretty vicious – you have every reason to be furious with her, but personally, I would just ignore her email. People like her seem to feed on the pain and chaos they cause, and refusing to respond will deprive her of that pathetic satisfaction.
What should you do with this information now? I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do: you definitely shouldn’t think, “I guess he’s not the man I thought he was.” If what your aunt says is true, it doesn’t mean what you thought about your dad was wrong; it was just very incomplete, as children’s impressions of their parents always are. Inevitably, we idolize our parents until something causes us to look down and notice they have feet of clay, as we all do. Your dad is still the man who read to you until you fell asleep or taught you to throw a baseball or did whatever dad things you remember him doing. Nothing you ever learn about him will change that. Despite your aunt’s best (or worst) efforts, she hasn’t told you anything that can destroy your memories of your father. The most she can hope to do is remind you that he was simply a man. No more, and no less.
Dear John,
I recently went out on a limb to do a favor for a friend’s daughter. And I have received no thanks from her at all (the daughter, I mean). I’m irritated that I went out of my way for her without so much as a thank you. (If it matters, she has been out of work for a long time, and she recently gave up looking for a job and started her own company. I directed my boss her way, and now he is a good customer for her.) I don’t want to be petty, but should I tell my friend to talk to her daughter about properly showing appreciation when someone does you a favor – acknowledge it at least!
Signed,
Thankless Job
Dear Thankless Job,
I wouldn’t drag your friend into this. What does she have to do with it? Her daughter is an adult. If you take it up with anyone, take it up with her.
It’s unclear from your letter exactly how much you know and how much you simply think you know. So if this is really bugging you, get in touch with this woman and simply ask her how it’s going. Tell her that since you told your boss about her business, you wanted to make sure everything was working out satisfactorily for all concerned. This gives her the perfect opportunity to thank you for thinking of her. If she still fails to do so, you can be content in the knowledge that helping someone in need is its own reward, or you can contact her again and point out that when people help other people out, they are more inclined to continue doing so when the person being helped expresses a measure of gratitude. I would choose the former course, but I would certainly understand if someone were to choose the latter.
Dear John,
I’m so hurt. For the second time in a row, a guy I was dating broke up with me to get back together with his last girlfriend. Why would a guy want to get back with someone who made them as miserable as they both claimed? Why start up with someone else if you still have feelings for her? I really don’t get it and I don’t understand how people can be so uncaring where other people’s feelings are concerned. Please tell me any ideas you have about how I can avoid this happening AGAIN.
Sincerely,
Twice Dumped
Dear Twice Dumped,
I guess the best way you can avoid it happening again is by not dating guys who are still getting over a breakup. Since this has happened twice recently, I think it would be a good idea to try to find someone who’s had some time to get over his last relationship.
The question behind your question, though, is what can you do to minimize the chance that your future relationships will end badly for you. And the best way to end up in a good relationship is to rid yourself of the need to be in a relationship at all. When you need to be in a relationship – when your self-esteem depends on it and you feel like a loser unless you’re with a guy – then you tend to make bad choices as you subconsciously convince yourself that being with a particular guy is better than being alone. And he will almost inevitably live down to the low standard you set for him. When you feel good about yourself outside of a relationship, though, you’re less willing to settle for just anyone who comes along because you’re not relying on him to fill an emotional hole. So which of these scenarios describes you?
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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