Dear Annie: Promotion Shifts Dynamics of Longtime Friendship
Thursday, May 02, 2024
Dear Annie: My friend "Emily" and I go way back to our college days, when we used to share absolutely everything with each other -- the good, the bad and the ugly. She recently got a promotion at work (she works for a well-known accounting firm), something I know she's been dreaming of for a while. Of course, I'm super happy for her, but things between us have kind of shifted since then.
Now it's all about her job and her new responsibilities and her added stress, and whenever I try to bring up something about my work or what's going on with me, it feels like she doesn't care. It's like suddenly, she's in the spotlight and I'm just on the sidelines. I'm feeling a bit jealous and overlooked, which is totally not us. I want to talk to her about this without making her feel bad about her success or risking messing up our friendship. How can I bring this up without coming off as jealous or small-minded? -- Feeling on the Sidelines
Dear Feeling on the Sidelines: Try setting aside some time to share your feelings with Emily privately. Start with how happy you are for her success, and then gently express that you've been feeling a bit disconnected from her lately. Highlight your desire to support each other equally, and avoid framing it as a complaint about her behavior. Focus instead on your feelings and the things that you need from a friendship right now. This approach encourages open communication without placing blame. The conversation could reinforce your friendship's foundation, reminding both of you why it's lasted this long.
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Dear Annie: I've been working in the same office for nearly a decade, enjoying my job and getting along well with most of my colleagues. Recently, however, we got a new manager, "Sarah," and her management style is different from what I'm used to. She prefers a hands-on approach, closely monitoring our work and frequently requesting updates.
This has been stressful for me, as I feel like I'm constantly under a microscope, making it hard to stay focused and be productive. I value autonomy and trust in the workplace. I've considered bringing up my concerns with Sarah directly, but I worry about pushback or coming off as resistant to change. Should I speak up about how I'm feeling or just try to adjust and see how it goes? -- Seeking Autonomy
Dear Seeking Autonomy: Speaking up is often the best course of action. Consider having a candid conversation with Sarah about how autonomy has previously enabled you to thrive and contribute effectively to the team (and provide some examples, too). Emphasize your willingness to find a balance that suits both her management style and your work preferences.
It's important to approach the discussion with openness to feedback and a focus on solutions that could benefit both of you. If, after the conversation, the situation doesn't improve, it might be time to reflect on whether this environment aligns with your professional needs and well-being.
Annie Lane is a mother, daughter, sister, and wife.
She grew up in California before heading east at the age of 18. She graduated with honors from New York University, where she majored in English literature and also specialized in psychology. After NYU, she earned her Juris Doctor from New York Law School.
Over the course of her education, Annie held a variety of jobs, including at Barnes & Noble because she loves books. She is a certified yoga instructor who also worked in sales at an internet advertising startup company. In addition, she worked at a law firm for two years and, before that, for a federal magistrate for one year.
Yet no job came more naturally to her than offering common-sense solutions to everyday problems. Her advice is unusually perceptive. She is sympathetic, funny and firm -- and her column is very much like Ann Landers' column in style and substance.
Annie lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. After a decade of city life, she is focused on her family and the Dear Annie column. When she is not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh.
"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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