Travis Rowley: Month by Month Predictions for 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Travis Rowley offers a month-by-month breakdown of what to expect in 2012.
January – The temperature won’t drop to zero, but the amount of faithful members of the anti-liberty Occupy “Movement” will. “As the weather has gotten colder,” GoLocalProv reported, “the park has appeared less occupied than when the movement started in October.” So, in an embarrassing attempt to falsify any significant impact, the incomprehensible Burnside Park occupiers have agreed to shut down their anti-capitalist refugee camp “in exchange for the city opening up a temporary homeless shelter” (as if that was ever their purpose). Prediction: Nobody will miss the Burnside Park occupiers.
February – Patriots win the Super Bowl. Tim Tebow remarks publicly, “Good for them. God bless Tom Brady and the Pats.” Liberals call for congressional hearings.
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTMarch – David Cicilline finds a way to move San Francisco neighborhoods into Rhode Island’s 1st District. Jim Langevin approves.
April – Governor Chafee allows Rhode Island schoolchildren to take part in a State House Easter Egg Hunt, but only if all eggs are officially referred to as “Holiday Eggs.” During the press conference before the event, however, Chafee accidentally makes a reference to an “Easter Egg.” Despite no public outcry, Chafee resigns out of principle.
May – After the RI General Assembly enables the cities and towns to address their unfunded pension liabilities (imagine that, the state allowing localities to manage their own affairs), they all follow a strategy that mirrors State Treasurer Gina Raimondo’s state pension reform plan. Having saved municipal pensions for public workers, and celebrating the prevention of their municipalities becoming the next Central Falls, local town managers throughout the state simultaneously “pump their fists” in the air. Council 94 president Michael Downey’s head explodes.
June – People’s spirits are lifted by the wonderful weather. Democrats ruin it for everyone by politicizing the temperature increase, blaming the heat on global warming – rather than, you know, the summer.
July – It’s an election year, so watch for liberal Democrats pretending to be patriotic on the 4th.
August – Treasurer Gina Raimondo and Providence Mayor Angel Taveras switch their party affiliations, finally adorning the political label that matches their policy initiatives – Republican. Taveras tells GoLocalProv reporters, “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but conservative policies actually work!” Raimondo shouts, “It’s true! I admit it! I’m Kerry King in a pantsuit!” They both live happily ever after.
September –The number of civil unions applied for since the passage of Rhode Island’s Civil Unions bill reaches an astounding landmark – Twelve.
October – One month until the 2012 elections, Democrats revert to their election-year playbook, telling union members that Republicans are rich, greedy, and anti-worker. They tell the elderly that Republicans plan on impoverishing them by destroying Social Security and Medicare. They tell minorities that Republicans are racist and want to point America back to the days of Jim Crow. They inform voters that, if Republicans are elected, the polar ice caps will melt over the entire eastern seaboard. Then they’ll accuse Republicans of “fear-mongering.”
November – Nationwide, big-government Democrats go down in flames, including President Obama. Democrats blame it on America’s rampant racism.
December – The nightmare is over. The nation prepares to dismantle Washington by eradicating the current tax code, repealing ObamaCare, eliminating entire federal departments, saving Medicare and Social Security, and revoking unconstitutional federal laws – restoring states’ rights, personal responsibility, and free market capitalism.
Travis Rowley (TravisRowley.com) is chairman of the RI Young Republicans and a consultant for the Barry Hinckley Campaign for US Senate.
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