Guest MINDSETTER™ Matt Fecteau: Pizza Psychosis
Thursday, April 30, 2015
In Rhode Island, every candidate and politician knows the best food typically wins elections. It is sad, but true. Some say money donates the political landscape. Well, in Rhode Island, food makes or breaks candidates, and the favorite food of all: you guessed it, pizza.
Most people in the political circle already get it. Typically, it is the older, low-income people that vote. Younger people, despite the zeal for such issues as legalization of marijuana and gay marriage, simply do not vote. In fact, finding a voter is almost as good as Willie Wonka’s golden ticket.
That’s why candidates and officer holders pay so much attention to the small segment of the population that votes: senior citizens. National turnout last midterm was only 36.3 percent. In Rhode Island, the voter turnout was slightly higher, but still only a glum 40 percent of the state’s voting population.
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTWhat better way to attract a low-income voter than a free meal? Then, when you have their attention, regurgitate talking points about fighting for the middle class and the working poor, protecting Medicare and Medicaid, some nonsense about humble beginnings…blah, blah, blah. Rhode Island politics 101.
As a candidate for Congress, my consultants told me, “Minimize interaction with the younger people. Too much time is invested talking to them, and the chances are high they will not vote. Engage the senior citizens.” While I didn’t like this approach, they told me how to win, not best serve society.
In Rhode Island’s contemporary political environment, winning is everything. That, and being a Democrat (let’s not forget the Rhode Island Democratic Party’s motto: Democrat good, Republican bad). Instead of a battle of ideas, we’ve devolved into a duel of the pizza slices. If you don’t bring pizza, there will be hell to pay. They might chase you out of their high rise with pitchforks and torches in hand.
Coffee and pastry? Hell hath no fury like a senior citizen without pizza.
In a nutshell, that is how to run for office in Rhode Island. Forget practical ideas that will make this state more competitive or providing quality public services, pizza runs our world.
Now, why should anyone care about this?
Well, for one, pizza is not a substitute for leadership (tell that to Rhode Island’s pizza happy megalomaniacal US Rep. David Cicilline). Pizza cannot solve the problem of derelict roads, bridges, and waterways. Pizza cannot turn this state around. Pizza certainly will not stop the relocation of the PawSox.
Two, pizza is a temporary reprieve from the stagnation that consumes Rhode Island.
Every election season, voters are put into a pizza induced psychosis. They become like ‘walkers’ on The Walking Dead. Instead of devouring flesh, they feast on mouthwatering pizza slices, and in a pizza induced trance, somehow, stumble to the voting booth, reelecting the same vapid, insecure, morbid people.
I’ve often heard how difficult it was to run for office in Rhode Island, but I disagree. Winning a Rhode Island election is quite simple, all you need is money to buy pizza, or be a good pizza chef.
Matt Fecteau ([email protected]), of Pawtucket, lost to U.S. Rep. David Cicilline in last year’s Democratic primary. He was a White House national security intern and captain in the US Army with two tours to Iraq. Twitter: @MatthewFecteau
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