Putting Etiquette to Work During the Holidays
Monday, December 12, 2011
Everyday etiquette questions about death, funerals, and family or coworkers behaving badly arrive at NewportManners.com, but during the holidays, queries are unspeakably bleak—and frequent. I feel overwhelmed, and saddened, while writing my response. The need for information is so immediate. A family member was just killed. The wake is today. The funeral is tomorrow. Do I attend my ex-husband's funeral? How do we handle an outrageously rude coworker? My mother-in-law can't eat wheat, dairy or sugar, help! What should I cook for the Christmas feast? The picture-perfect holiday is but a dream.
Pain doesn't take a holiday at Christmas. Quite the opposite.
Most recently, a question from a mother whose 23-year-old daughter was killed last week, because the driver of the car she was in was drunk, stunned me. She wasn't looking for sympathy, she simply wanted to know how to thank those who had sent floral arrangements when several once-attached cards had gone missing and she didn't know whom to thank. A very young widow, wanted to know if it was OK to have a silhouette of her dead husband on her Christmas card featuring a photo of her and their baby. Another widow wanted permission to sign Christmas cards from her recently deceased husband. A new widower asked if he still had to send Christmas cards from his late wife? How does one gracefully explain to a widow or widower that it's not merry to receive a Christmas card from a dead person?
On the office front, coworkers worried about a cubicle mate who was constantly making cruel remarks about an amputee and stolen children's Christmas gifts. (Talk to the coworker, or Human Resources, about him getting professional help.) On the home front, it's not an uncommon concern that our visions of a picture-perfect holiday house will fail in our pursuit of them.
But not all the questions I receive are so grim.
Question
Dear Didi:
I love holidays and entertaining family and friends with Christmas dinner, but by the time I sit down to eat I'm a wreck. I refuse to feel sorry for myself one more Christmas! How can I get my family, one that is as complex as it is competitive, and guests to pitch in and help when they would rather be playing games on their cellphone, watching football, texting or drinking? I start with the fantasy that this year will be different, but when I'm left all alone in the kitchen whisking lumps into the gravy I wonder why I bother. I end up a grumpy mess! They say they'll help, but I find I would rather be the long-suffering wife and mother doing it myself than nagging them into helping me on Christmas! So, I pour myself another glass of wine and burn the green beans. What am I doing wrong? June W.
Answer
Dear June:
Be assured, you're not doing anything wrong. Make etiquette work for you. Make it clear that all cellphones have to be turned off. By the front door, put up a no cellphone sign: an image of a cellphone in a circle with a large X across it. They're becoming more and more noticeable in restaurants, doctor's offices, libraries, movie theaters, restrooms, stores, and gyms. Set boundaries. Write up To-Do Lists. Everyone who is sitting down to Christmas dinner at your table should contribute in some way; delegate or let them sign up; give instructions as to how you want things done (Put the water glasses on the table, place three ice cubes in each glass and use a water pitcher to pour water over the ice.), and, most important, praise people for what they do—even when they fall short.
If they start bickering over whose going to do what, writeup each job on small pieces of paper and let them draw their task from a hat. Engaging everyone in the preparation of the meal, as well as the clean up, will help to make everybody feel part of the feast. Give them tasks, then give them thanks. Let them choose between pouring the ice water and lighting the candles at 6:50pm, or peeling the potatoes at 5:30pm. Setting the table at 4:00pm or clearing it and loading the dishwasher at 8:30pm. Taking out the garbage and recycling and walking the dog at 9:00pm, or carving the turkey at 6:50pm. Cloroxing the kitchen sink and counters after the dishes are done, or checking to see that the lights and stove are turned off before going to bed. Put the Job List on the fridge with the task after each person's name along with the start time. In creating a timeline, you're assuring that there will be someone there with you nearly every step of the way supporting Christmas dinner.
Have younger children decorate place cards and make up the seating chart. Tweens can bake cornbread or warm up the the Parker House rolls, set or clear the table, or make the centerpiece. Teenagers can make pies and cranberry sauce the day before; or mash the potatoes or make the salad that day. Each person has a responsibility: after all it is their Christmas dinner, too. Put them in charge of a task. Encourage them to ask questions: How do I spell Uncle Ernie on the place card? How many sticks of butter is 1/2 a cup? To what degree do I heat the Parker House rolls--and for how long? What does preheat mean? What's the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon? Where are the nutcrackers? Which CDs do we want to listen to?
Have guests bring things you don't want to make, or their favorite Christmas delight. That way those guests with food allergies will be assured of having something they can eat. Ask guests to pickup last-minute items that have to be chilled, such as ice cream for the pies, wine, beer, a bag of ice, a centerpiece for the table. Be bold about what you want them to bring and what you want them to do when they arrive. Such as light the fire, hang up coats, make themselves a drink, pass the canapes, decant the wine, put in another CD. Make all those having Christmas at your house the point person for one thing or another.
Of course, all of this is easier said then done. You still have plenty to do. But if you are organized, and you delegate and designate, you won't need to open that first bottle of wine until the cocktail hour. Holidays aren't the time for being hyper-tidy, even if you are an obsessive-compulsive domestic diva.
Didi Lorillard is grateful that she and her family will be volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day. Ask Didi holiday questions at NewportManners.com, but not about making gravy. Or you can find Didi on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Klout, after you've read her earlier columns on GoLocalProv, listed below:
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