Newport Manners & Etiquette: Making a Toast

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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Etiquette with sons and sons-in-laws for the art of making a wedding toast, a wedding present from the heart, the perfect wedding dress shirt and how do I help my son-in-law get ahead? All questions, curiously enough, about sons and sons-in-laws to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Toasting family members

I have a stepson getting married. His mother and I have been asked to say a few words at the reception. My wife is deathly afraid of public speaking so has declined. I have accepted but am cautious and curious about the content. His biological father and second wife will both be making speeches. I have been married to our son's mother since he was 6 so we have a good rapport...but we never associated with his "other" parents," except at family functions such as this. At our older son's wedding 2 years ago, these people made long teary speeches about how they raised the boys, etc., which hurt my wife...and the groom said very little about us in his speech. I feel compelled to talk but I'll be careful NOT to insult anyone. I want to make it clear that we were the major caregivers of our son by telling stories of his youth at our home, etc. What topics should or shouldn't be mentioned? It is very tempting to add a few "digs" at these people who once resented the boys going to their place every second weekend now are speaking about how wonderful life was with them!  P.D., Providence

Go up the ladder on this one. You are absolutely right. You do not want to insult anyone. However, in a graceful manner you can make it clear that you and your wife played major roles in the lives of the groom and his brother. 

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Try to illustrate a situation where the groom made a good choice or became curious about a subject that has become a life-long passion. End with saying how grateful you and your wife are for having the boys for such an important part of your and their lives. The best toasts are the shortest ones, not the ones that ramble and are so overly sentimental they make the guests weep. State the facts, list the adventures you had traveling, camping, and attending their games. Don't over-think this. Type up a rough draft, read it over to your wife a couple of times, but never, ever read a toast. A toast should come from the heart and be extemporaneous.  Sincere and right to the point. The point you want to make is this. You and your wife are proud to have made major contributions to the groom's up bringing and you both love him and his brother very much. End that you hope the groom and his wife have a marriage that is as long and happy as your own.  ~Didi

Inexpensive wedding present 

My stepson is getting married and his biological father and his wife will also attend the wedding. His mother and I are hard-pressed to buy a lavish gift as we are on a tight budget and living on a fixed income. It is actually a disability pension. We were wondering if it would be appropriate to give the gift of a photo album or numerous photos of our son and-or his family and their past. He is not particularly sentimental but a great guy who knows our situation. Our son and his bride both have good jobs and are paying for the wedding. His older brother was married two years ago and we did give him a pricey gift (for us), which he requested. Our younger son has a less extravagant "wish list" but we feel something personal would be more unique, would involve more time and care in preparing, and hopefully would be received as such. Name withheld, Cranston

What a great idea. I'm sure your stepson and his bride will cherish such a lovely wedding gift. Make sure the album is in a dark colored leather so that it will last for generations to come.  ~Didi

Our introvert son-in-law needs help

My son-in-law is very well educated and extremely intelligent, but socially incredibly backward. He never talks. For example, we took him and our daughter out to dinner to a sports bar and he rarely made eye contact with us. He looked down at his food and ate like it was his last supper. Then he watched the TV that was over my husband's head. He'd answer questions we posed, but he never initiated conversation so there would be a a 50/50 conversation going. He's a sweet and caring guy but is so unaware that his lack of social skills, which is a real hindrance to his personal and professional life. You can just see he feels awkward in most situations and contributes nothing. This makes everyone around him uncomfortable. He's a hard worker and pleasant enough, but has made no friends at work, even after three years. I found some terrific books that I know will help him, or maybe even give him the gift of an adult course for business people on etiquette. How do I go about helping him without alienating him? Name and location withheld

We've found that many people complain about taking guests to a Sports Bar and not being able to have a decent conversation. We understand that those TVs are a distraction, which is why we would recommend a quieter setting when you're looking for good conversation.

It sounds as though you are not on the same wave-length as your son-in-law, despite your many efforts. Find out what he is interested in and next time you dine with him, in a quiet less distracting setting, be prepared to bring up current events topics or interesting articles you've read lately in periodicals or seen on the evening news. Geniuses are often the best listeners. I would be concerned if he wasn't listening, but it seems from what you say that he is a listener, which is why you have to find topics he is versed in so that he can get into a deeper conversation. Some people are not good a small talk, but if you get them talking about something they are passionate about, they'll happily contribute to the conversation. Please, don't embarrass your son-in-law by giving him self-help books. His generation learns on the Internet, so if he is interested in improving his social skills, there is plenty of free knowledge out there for him to access.

The way to him is through your daughter, who knows him best. Without being judgmental, find out if she is bothered and if so, ask if they have discussed this. If she isn't worried, then you shouldn't be either. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, they are often very brilliant people, who are sensitive and intelligent in ways we couldn't imagine. 

For you, there are websites such as psychologytoday.com where you can learn about introverts and how to understand them and connect with them. Knowledge is powerful. Find out more about introverts and what makes them tick and talk and share the information with your husband and daughter, if need be.  ~Didi

How to buy a dress shirt

What kind of dress shirt should our son the groom wear to his 11 am wedding? What sort of collar? J.R., Chicago

Assuming the groom is wearing a business suit, a white French or double-cuff shirt is more formal and looks better with a suit for a morning wedding. Small collars don't work as well with a decently sized knot, because they call for a narrower tie. The size of the collar would depend on the size of the man's face, since the focal point is the width of the collar: the larger the face the wider the collar and tie. The classic dress shirt has a semi-spread collar and goes well with most jackets to accommodate a four-in-hand tie knot.

The outer edge of the collar should touch the lapel of the jacket and the collar should show an inch around the sides and back of the jacket. The shirt cuffs should show at least an inch and a half when the arms are straight down by his sides. Having the right fit at the neck allows for a finger to slide easily between the neck and the collar to assure a tidy but comfortable fit. The length of the sleeves and the right size neck are important in completing a well-balanced look.  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

 

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