Newport Manners & Etiquette: Ungrateful Hosts & Guests

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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Whether about complicated wedding etiquette or manners for a sunset sailboat party, hosts and guests wise-up. How to announce two married women? All questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Mates bringing party food

I have a friend with a sailboat who uses it for entertaining. While he provides beer, water and soft drinks, he always expects his guest to bring the food and wine, which we have done many times. Another couple and I have had him over to our homes for dinner to reciprocate. We are wondering, would it not be polite for him to ask us out on the boat occasionally and not expect us to bring the food, especially since we have him over to our homes and don't ask him to bring dinner?  Alex, Newport

Not all sailors are good cooks. Have you ever cooked for friends on a sailboat? Cooking in a tiny galley is not easy. Your sailor friend probably thinks it is a thrill for his mates to come aboard for drinks and a sunset sail, but not being a foodie himself, he asks guests to bring food and wine in return. Next time ask your sailor friend for dinner, suggest he bring a couple of bottles of wine or two six packs. Be specific:  a six-pack or Newport Storm and a six pack of Guiness; or a bottle of Chardonnay and a Cabernet Sauvignon.  ~Didi

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Gift for a party when the wedding is called off

A wedding I was invited to has been called off, but the reception will take place as a "party". My question is, am I expected to bring a monetary gift? I feel they are trying to recoup some of their losses, but it shouldn't be my problem. Since the former bride's mother is a friend, do I opt out of the "party" because I don't want to give a monetary gift?  T.M., Location withheld

It sounds as though the wedding was called off by mutual consent. The reception hall, caterer, band/DJ, and other vendors have already been engaged and payments were made, so why not have a party anyway? If guests were not specifically asked to give a monetary gift to the party, then you would not have to give one to attend. The reciprocity for having attended a party (not a wedding) is a return invitation going forward. You would also send a thank-you note or email to the host and a gift, of any kind, would not be expected. On the other hand, if the mother is your friend and you go to the party, you should ask her if you can reimburse her for your food and drink.  ~Didi

Father-of-the-bride is a bully  

In reality, my daughter _____'s biological father is no longer a part of her life. He has never made any attempt to call her or communicate with her in any way. Now that she is getting married in eight months, even though he has never asked her anything about the wedding, he expects his daughter from his second marriage to be a maid-of-honor. We've heard from other people that he badmouths _____ a lot. He has never asked what he can do to help. My husband and I are paying for everything. Our question to you is, do we have to put his name on the wedding invitation?  Name and location withheld

Hell, no. Disregard his pleas for attention. If your daughter does not have a close relationship with her half-sister, then she shouldn't make her a maid-of-honor for his sake. However, should he agree to pay for at least a third of the wedding costs and your daughter wants his name on the invitation and his second daughter in her wedding party, it should be at the discretion of the bride. But only then. ~Didi

Announcing Ms. & Ms.

My fiancé and I are getting married. I'm the bride and she is the bridegroom, she is taking my last name. How are we, two women, announced into the reception?  C.R., Brooklyn, NY

You and your bridegroom would be announced as, "Ms. Charlotte and Ms. Hillary Ross" (your last name).  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

 

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