Newport Manners & Etiquette: The Awkward “Plus One”

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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For the well-mannered host, guest, and the invited and uninvited "Plus One," bringing a unknown date to a wedding or party can be tricky etiquette. All sticky situations, as well as a belated condolence question to Didi Lorillard at Newport Manners.com this week.

Same-sex wedding "Plus One"

I probably should have asked this sooner, as the deed is already done. I am invited to my former stepson's destination wedding (even though I'm no longer his stepmother, we've stayed relatively close). The invitation was to me and "guest". Being single, I hinted to my best friend that she should be my "plus one" and she took me up on it and has made arrangements to accompany me. It never occurred to me that bringing someone of the same sex might not be appropriate. For background, my stepson is gay - so the wedding will be an a-typical one from the start. But that isn't an excuse for me to disrespect tradition or etiquette. Looking over the guest list on the couple's wedding website for the weekend activities, it appears that most of the guests are male-female couples. Any thoughts on how to salvage this without hurting my best friend or being embarrassed at the wedding? We could always pass as a "couple!"  D.W., Santa Barbara, CA

You cannot disinvite your best friend without hurting her feelings, and should you do so you should offer to pay for any expenses she incurred making arrangements to accompany you. Your former stepson doesn't care that you are a same-sex couple and you probably won't see most of his guests again. At this point, it would be inappropriate to rescind your invitation. You could always ask your stepson to seat you both with single men.

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At a traditional wedding where the seating is still boy-girl-boy-girl, it would be awkward for the host to try to seat you and your friend each between two men, but that rule does not apply to a same-sex wedding. If this really is a good friend, why not be honest with her and explain that you have since found out that the guests are predominately straight couples, but you doubt that there will be many, if any, straight men. Give her the option of deciding whether or not she still wants to be your plus one. Should she decide that she would be uncomfortable being your date, then you're off the hook. 

In the future, remember that your plus one is the person you will be seated with and that the plus one will be expected to be your dancing partner, perhaps all night long. Be honest with your best friend.  ~Didi

Uninvited "Plus One"

At a dinner party I gave for my husband a good friend of his arrived with his uninvited lady of the evening. When greeting him he introduced her as his date. Because it was a seated dinner for over 120 people and I hadn't known to assign her a seat, there wasn't a table card or place card for her; so I couldn't pull a rabbit out of a hat. I was forced to gently say to him, "When your assistant called to RSVP for you, she did not ask if you could bring a guest." He said, "Yes, she did," then turned his head to the side and whispered hiding his lips with hand, "Just seat her!" Without hesitating, I took her by the hand to a seat without a place card to a table the band leader and his family joined with several last minute acceptees, and told her to remember the table when we went into dinner. The guest whose date had not been invited with a "plus one" was furious the whole night and never sent a word of thanks, apology, or even a happy birthday to his "good" friend. What would you have done?  H.W., Newport

Obviously, if you had wanted him to bring a date, you would have encouraged him by adding "and guest" or "plus one" after his name on the invitation envelope. Then you would have asked his assistant his date's name when she called to accept for the two of them. Personally, I would not invite this rude guest back ever again.  ~Didi

Another tricky "Plus One"

My sister's daughter has a childhood friend whose parents are divorced, but share the same residence (to each his own!). My sister planned to invite the Mom and Daughter, however, in conversations with the Ex-wife/friend she asked my sister to invite the ex-husband. My sister wants to know how to address the invitation to include the ex-husband (since they are NOT Mr. and Mrs.) while going to the same address. She is not exactly sure how to address the one invitation going to the residence. We would very much appreciate your opinion.  Kelly Brown, Atlanta, GA

My best advice for your sister would be to tell her that etiquette dictates that all single people over the age of eighteen receive his or her own invitation. So to be perfectly correct she would send separate invitations to both of them. However, invitations are expensive and I'm not just talking about the postage, but the cost of hosting each guest (and in this case a guest's guest). 

This is the tricky part. If she doesn't want the former husband to bring his own plus one, she should simply address the one invitation envelope to both the former wife and former husband, signaling that they are each other's plus one. In this case, her friend's former husband is her guest. Insert, your own information (assuming that she still uses her married last name) and center it on the wedding invitation envelope:

Ms. Susan Hayes Rockwell and

Mr. Robert William Rockwell

(Their address)

In this situation, the problem with being perfectly correct creates another: the very real possibility that the former husband will bring his own guest. Does your sister really want to pay for the former husband's guest to dine and drink champagne at her daughter's wedding? Probably not. But once that door is open for a single person to attend, many will take advantage of the opportunity to bring a date, whether or not the invitation states "and Guest" or "Plus One."

Personally, I would use the above sample and address it to both. Use Ms. instead of Mrs. for her title because of the inside envelope. We don't want the inside envelope to read Mr. and Mrs. Rockwell, because they are no longer married. The inside envelope would then read: Ms. Rockwell and Mr. Rockwell.  ~Didi

No time limit on condolences

I had a dream the other night about my friend who I haven't seen in 25 years. It prompted me to look her up online and what I found was that her daughter died 6 months ago. Should I not do anything or would it be okay if I send a card and note??????????????  M.A., Location withheld

It is never too late to express your sympathy for the death of a child, spouse/partner, or sibling. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child. By all means, send a condolence card or a heartfelt note to your friend. When sending a card, be sure to personalize the message with a sentence or two of your own before signing your name.

No doubt your friend thinks about her daughter every day, even months after the support from family and friends has subsided. Your friend is still in deep mourning and may need sympathy now more than ever. Write what you wrote to me, "You were in a dream I had recently and I was reminded that we hadn't been in touch for a very long time, then I learned about your daughter, Cynthia. I am deeply sorry for your loss and for all the pain you've been enduring." Or a similar sentiment. I find that survivors get angry when you tiptoe around the words death and died, because they actually find it more helpful when the friend is authentic and tells it as it is.  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi's earlier columns some of which are listed below.

 

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