Newport Manners + Etiquette: Spring Wedding Etiquette
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
The warmer days of May bring peak wedding season, and the queries to Newport Manners are as numerous as blooms in a bride's bouquet.
Disinvited to nephew's destination wedding
Dear Didi,
After being disinvited to my nephew's destination wedding a few months ago, because it was "immediate-family only" and later finding out that it wasn't, I now find out that the bride is having a baby in a few months. They've invited us to their wedding reception this summer and to a baby shower the next day. My husband and I are retired and having a hard time wanting to go to either of these celebrations. They are four hours away (the reception is from 6-10pm) and we'll have to rent a room and bring two gifts. What should we do? We are fairly close to my sister and brother-in-law. J.W., Providence
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTDear J.W.,
Family rules. My aunt and uncle have always been very special to me and when we needed them, they were always there. Support your nephew and his bride during this perceived slightly awkward time. They may feel that you're judgmental and that you're disappointed in them. Let your nephew know that you're proud of him.
You don't have to spend an arm and a leg on presents. The important thing about gifts is to give people what they want. Ask about the bridal registry and baby registry, then send a present you can afford for both events. It's not about how much you spend, it is all about giving people what they want.
Secondly, it is about attitude. You and your husband are part of the team (their family team) and you have to use common sense. This is your nephew and he has made a huge commitment. You need to support him.
Keep in mind that your family knew you were both retired, hence, they may have been letting you off the hook about your having to pay out a lot of money for airline tickets and a couple of nights in a hotel to attend the destination wedding. This kind of wedding can be quite expensive for guests. Don't assume you were disinvited. If you have limited resources, they may have been trying to give you a gentle out.
By the time the reception comes around this summer you will have had time to accept the facts and realize that as family, you should emotionally support your nephew, his wife, and their baby, who is also your blood relative. Give yourself time to adjust to this and I'm sure you'll be delighted to attend the celebrations this summer.
Look at it this way, if you don't attend your nephew's festivities, you'll feel bitter. Bitter that you didn't participate. We only get one chance at these things. It is your choice as to how you respond. Choices have consequences. Go with the flow of your family, or stew forever more. ~Didi
What to wear when meeting a Royal
Dear Didi,
What should I wear to an outdoor evening reception hosted by the British Consul for a member of the Royal Family in Colorado, in May? The invitation says Business Attire. I'm in my early 40's and am of average height and build. Thank you! H.S., Denver
Dear H.S.,
The dress code 'Business Attire' means Suits & Dresses. Wear either a beautiful knee-length skirt-suit or a great cocktail dress with pretty shoes and carry a small clutch bag.
To see what's trending, go to Rent the Runway, click on 'top hits' and scroll down to a navy blue, short lace Elie Tahari dress, 'New Beginning Sheath'—now, that's a good look in which to meet a Royal.
Also, there is a Nanette Lepore 'Rustic Plum Lace Dress' and a Milly 'Golden Lurex Flutter Dress' that I like. There are some great choices under 'Cocktail Dresses' as well. Stay away from peek-a-boo cut-outs, one-shoulder dresses and solid black or red. That said, if you're into stripes, there is a black and white Kate Spade New York, 'Hole in One Dress' that is a knockout under 'Career Moments' which can be worn with nude colored or black patent leather heels.
At any rate, you'll get the picture of what's trending. With whatever dress you wear, nude colored heels will give you a bit of height. Keep your shoulders back and walk tall. ~Didi
May Republican Gala in Washington DC
Dear Didi,
I am attending a Centennial Gala & Summit in Washington D.C. next week and normally I shop at Nordstrom for my attire. However, I would like to dress appropriately but with personality and flare. I have purchased a short cocktail leopard print dress with a small red belt, red patent leather shoes and small black clutch. Is this appropriate or should I traditionally dress for the occassion in a long conservative outfit? From a Young Professional Republican under 40, La Jolla, CA
Dear Young Professional Republican,
You have decades ahead of you to dress conservatively. Your thirties are that wonderful fashion decade in your life when you go from cute to truly fashionable. If you have a special event to go to, check out the fashion website Rent the Runway to see what's trending.
That said. The only part of your fabulous outfit you might reconsider are the shoes. Unless you've chosen red shoes because you're a Republican, red shoes may not be dressy enough. You might want to consider nude colored heels or black. If you wear black heels, they'll go with your clutch bag. With nude colored shoes the clutch can be either nude, red, or black. Nude colored shoes elongate the length of your legs, which of course is always a plus when wearing a short cocktail dress. A leopard print is busy and we don't want you looking dazed and confused, we want you looking sophisticated, chic, and elegant. ~Didi
Funeral étiquette for young adults
Dear Didi,
My daughter who is 19 is dating a boy who is 23. His father passed away suddenly from a heart attack today. What is proper etiquette for her and us? A.H, Barrington, RI
Dear A.H.,
As a mother, you know this is a great learning experience for your daughter about death, grieving, and the mourning process. Her beau is going to need a tremendous amount of emotional support. This is a hugely maturing opportunity for her. Since she is not the child of the deceased she has that distance that enables her to be more objective and, foremost, to be a good listener.
The best advice is to tell her that she should get her beau to talk about all the many good things he remembers about his dad. He wants to talk about his dad, but when our parent dies—and we have nobody to talk to about him or her—we tend to fold inward. Not good. If she has the patience and kindness to listen to him tell stories about his dad, that is the greatest help she can be.
As to the funeral, your daughter should attend, but she should stay in the background—making sure he can see her—and, ultimately, be his very good friend.
For you, your decision about whether or not to attend the funeral depends on how well you and her father knew the lad's dad. As to what you tell your daughter, talk about death. Reassure her that the world is a wonderful place, people die, but new people are born all the time, and young adults mourn and go on with their lives. Reassure her that her boyfriend will get through the mourning process, but it may take a very long time. It could be a couple of months before the young man really understands and comes to accept that the death of his father is a reality. ~Didi
We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we're happy to post it anonymously. Didi researches contemporary etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette," and her monthly column for "Newport This Week." Or you can ask a question on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or T
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