Newport Manners & Etiquette: Plus One Wedding Etiquette, Missing YOU’RE WELCOME & Funeral Etiquette
Wednesday, March 07, 2018
THE PROBLEM WITH PLUS ONES
Q. We're overwhelmed by the number of our friends -- who after receiving their save-the-date cards -- have asked if they can bring a plus one to our wedding this summer. The best man asked us if he could bring a mutual friend as his plus one. He wants to know if he can get him invited to our wedding! We know the guy who wants to be the best man's plus one, so if we wanted him to come to our wedding, we would have sent him a save-the-date card. How do we handle this? BC, Seattle, WA
A. The whole plus one situation can be murky. A guest bringing his own guest. Especially if the plus one knows the wedding couple and knows that he wasn't invited. A wedding isn't just any party. It is a celebration of a marriage. You only invite people whom you like, like a lot, or love. If you, the bride and groom, had wanted the wanna be plus one at your wedding, you would have invited him.
What to know about plus one:
- As the host, unless you're not particular, make a list of assumed single people you are inviting whom you want to extend a plus one invitation to your wedding.
- If the guest doesn't list his plus one's name on the reply care to the ceremony, find out the name of the guest your guest is bringing as their plus one.
- Add that person's name to your guest list after the original guest's name on the spreadsheet. That way if the name of the plus one changes, at least you're keeping a correct head count.
What people who haven't hosted a wedding don't know is this:
- As a guest, he or she is being invited because they're liked by the wedding couple or their parents.
- If a mutual friend hasn't been invited, it is because the bride and groom don't want him at their wedding, so it is in bad manners to bring him as your plus one.
- It can be hurtful to the plus one to be told they weren't invited because they aren't liked, so don't push it.
- Make it clear that if a guest is bringing a plus one, s/he sends a gift from the bridal registry from both the original guest and his/her plus one.
- The plus one can certainly send his own gift from the bridal registry, as a thank-you for having been invited, but don't count on it.
At this age when your guests are apt to be in one of the various stages of complicated, dramatic or knotty coupledom or uncoupling or single, choose your plus ones carefully.
Who gets a plus one to the wedding?
- Don't get caught up in being stuck with a revolving guest list of unwanted plus ones -- surprises that you either don't know or don't like.
- Do give a plus one to a friend's SO when they've been together for over six months and you've met him or her more than once.
- Don't give an open plus one because you're stuck if you know the plus one and don't like him or her.
- Do give a guest traveling from afar, who may not know people at your wedding, the option of having a plus one.
- Don't think you have to offer all of your extended family members plus ones, the fact that they're family means that they'll have people to talk to at the wedding anyway.
- Do ask single participants in your bridal party if they would like a plus one, and get the name and address of the person to whom you can send an invitation.
- Don't get talked into giving someone a plus one once the list has been finalized, which is after the cutoff date for the reply card return. Even if he says, "She's the one. I can't wait for you to meet her."
Important: On your wedding website, in person, and by word of mouth, get the word out that it is a "small wedding" and that you are not giving out many plus ones because you have a tight and concise guest list.
- Often the size of the list depends upon the fire code of the venue where the reception is taking place.
- Leave your answer at that.
- A small wedding is in the eye of the beholder. What a small wedding may be to you, might look like a big wedding to me.
Be clear, your actual invitation list is key to controlling the amount of plus ones:
Couple: With a good pen print the names of the guests who are invited on the outside and inside envelopes (if you're using two both).
Mr. Matthew J. Whitman (guest)
Ms. Annie Louise Kelley (plus one)
For a family: when residing at the same address, list on the inside and outside envelopes the names of the children you wish to invite. For instance you may not have accommodations for small children and babies. You can also list, or just list, those names in the upper left hand corner of the actual invitation:
Mr. and Mrs. William Wilson
Miss Alice Wilson (under19)
Mr. William Wilson, Jr. (14)
Master Jake Wilson (under 12)
(the address on the outside envelope)
The Attendant-Free Wedding
Q. My fiancé and I are planning our smallish wedding. We're in our mid-thirties and have figured out our budget. We've decided that we don't want attendants. We went to too many weddings where attendants and family members stirred up drama which caused bad vibes. Here's our reasoning:
- We've both been attendants ourselves so we understand that the cost, especially if you have to travel to a wedding, is a huge commitment, anywhere between $1,000-$2,000 per wedding.
- Friends who thought they were close friends had hurt feelings because they hadn't been chosen to be in the wedding party.
- On the other hand, we know that it is hard to say no when someone asks you to be their maid-of-honor or best man.
- Does my college roommate, at whose wedding I was a bridesmaid, assume she is one of my bridesmaids? Several friends are pregnant, making choosing the bridesmaid's dresses a nightmare.
- Others have small children that will have to be fed.
We've decided that our wedding should be an inclusive wedding of our truly closest family and friends. And where certain guests are not signaled out as more special than others. Everyone will be treated equally.
Quite frankly, I don't want to have to even invite my best friend from high school and my fiancé doesn't want to be guilt tripped into inviting all of his first cousins, their spouses and children. It would be easer not to have attendants but let those who wish to give a reading or be an usher, offer to do so. What do you think? AS, Watch Hill, RI
A. The older you are when marrying, the greater the expectations for the wedding, because you've accumulated more relationships and family members. Historically, attendants were appointed to protect the wedding couple from evil spirits. Practically thinking, you really don't need to have all those attendants!
- Whether you have six attendants each or twelve each, you'll be spending too much energy on keeping everyone happy. For you, it may be better to have none.
- Make everyone happy by sparing your friends the huge commitment of being an attendant.
- You can get yourselves down the aisle without attendants.
- Avoid drama, invite only your best friends.
- Ask yourselves, Are attendants more of a hassle than an honor?
- The current trend: Fifty percent of couples choose not to have large weddings with attendants.
Q. When did the expression "You're welcome" slide from fashion? When I thank someone for helping me in some small or large way and I say, "Thank you," I miss hearing the reply "You're welcome." How do we bring back saying "You're Welcome"? Grace, Hilton Head, SC
A. Don't stop using "You're welcome." Preserve the dialogue of gratitude. Keep using "You're welcome," and people won't take it for granted.
What you have to remember about saying "you're welcome," is that it ends the dialogue. What do you say in response to "You're welcome"? You don't have to say anything.
MOURNING SOMEONE YOU HARDLY KNEW
Q. A person of real substance, whom we knew only peripheral, was felled by a tree and killed during a nor' easter last week. We knew him socially by sight, but never really had a conversation with him or his wife. They had no children. Their dog died last month. You never saw the widow without her husband who is now deceased.
My question is that you don't want to be the person who goes to the funeral and the reception just to be seen. How do we show our respect without seeming ostentatious, and yet caring? Name Withheld
A. If you have time, attend the funeral, but since you're uncomfortable about being seen for the wrong reasons, don't go to the reception. Either way, send a sympathy card with your condolences.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her forthcoming book.
From: [email protected] Sent: Mon, Feb 13, 2017 at 11:39 am To:
Related Slideshow: Some of the Most Interesting GoLocal LIVE Interviews—The First 1,000
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Kenny has been instrumental with his support for the Ireland West International Trade Center in Rhode Island and the RI Trade Center in Mayo.
At the time of the interview, a Rhode Island trade mission was visiting Ireland led in part by Warwick Mayor Scott Avedisian, who also appeared on LIVE.
Kenny served as Prime Minister from 2011 until earlier 2017.
Amanda Clayton, Actress
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Clayton just finished a Lifetime Movie “Mommy’s Little Angel”, coming out next year, and finished a role behind-the-scenes as a producer for “Dirty Dead Con Men.”
“If Loving You Is Wrong” airs Tuesday nights on OWN.
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Johanne Killeen, Al Forno
Johanne Killeen of Al Forno shared both the story on GoLocal LIVE's "The Taste," of how grilled pizza began -- as well as the announcement on her new cookbook highlighting pizza.
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Mystic Aquarium’s mission is to inspire people to care for and protect the ocean planet through education, conservation and research. To help accomplish that mission, Mystic Aquarium offers educational opportunities and fundraising events to continue their conservation work and teach the public about the ocean’s creatures.
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Rodriguez co-stars in the audience-participation heavy live show with reality TV personality, Kendra Wilkinson, and says the subject matter of the show is perfect for the crowd in Vegas.
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Appearing on GoLocal LIVE with GoLocal News Editor Kate Nagle, Chafee said the Raimondo’s transfer of taxpayers dollars to billion dollar companies such as General Electric and Johnson & Johnson was flawed.
“I have never liked corporate welfare. It's unfair to existing businesses…some out of state business comes in and you give them the candy store. I just don’t like it," said Chafee.
Archivist of the United States, David Ferriero
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“The most exciting thing is getting to know the records and getting to know the richness of the documentation that tells our country’s history, starting with the oaths of allegiance signed at Valley Forge by George Washington and the troops, all the way up to the tweets that are being created as I am speaking, in the White House,” Ferriero said.
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Super tech journalist and Rhode Island native Walt Mossberg appeared on GoLocal LIVE with GoLocal's News Editor Kate Nagle.
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Gretchen Morgenson, Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist
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Rhode Island’s Treasurer Seth Magaziner has nearly $700 million invested with TIAA.
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In October, she wrote a sweeping investigative piece that raised questions about TIAA’s selling strategies. “The subpoena to TIAA, which handles retirement accounts for over four million workers at 15,000 nonprofit institutions across the country, followed an article last month in The New York Times that raised questions about the firm’s selling techniques,” wrote Morgenson.
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While deeply personal, Powers gave insight on the battles his sons’ fought and details into their family life. He also looked at the history of mental illness, including incarceration, medication and more.
"I was determined to give the mentally ill, invisible to much of society and often denied the very basic acknowledgment of their own humanity, a voice,” Powers said.
Powers is the author or co-author of 14 previous books, including New York Times bestselling “Flags of our Fathers” and “True Compass."
Lidia Bastianich, Chef and Author
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WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW HERE
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Piff the Magic Dragon
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Jean Lesieur, French Journalist
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“We’re going through an epidemic of addiction and depression…and we’re in the midst of the rollback the biggest expansion of healthcare coverage that benefits people with mental illness [and] addiction, and this was the first time the ever got coverage,” Kennedy told GoLocal’s Kate Nagle on Wednesday.
“We ought to think do we want to throw gasoline on the fire,” said Kennedy, of legalizing marijuana in Rhode Island. “We know what’s happened with other addictive substances where’s basically there’s no perception of ‘risk’ — alcohol is ubiquitous; tobacco, until the settlements, there was no appetite for addressing [the impact of that].”
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Beverly Daniel Tatum, Former Spelman College President
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Mark Baillie, Top British Security Expert
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"The young guy...did it in his mother's basement. Any lone actor can make a powerful bomb," said Baillie following the terrorism incident. "We're in the midst of a general election where politicians talk about there being no political or cultural backlash."
"And estimated 300 people are 'ready to go' - 400 who have been fighting with Isis in Syria -- and in a group of about 20,000 supporters," noted Baillie of the UK landscape, calling Manchester and acts like it the "terrorism of the mundane" -- and much more frightening than "spectacular" acts of terrorism.
Baillie, who runs seminars on a wide range of security matters at King's and at the UK Joint Staff College, has lived or worked in more than 14 countries in the fields of news, security, finance, economics, business and politics and appears widely in international news media on terrorism and international security.
Mark Geragos, Celebrity Attorney
Geragos is one of Hollywood's biggest celebrity lawyers having represented rapper Chris Brown and Michael Jackson over the years. When asked about his relationship with the often legal troubled Brown, Geragos said that the rapper is "like a son and an annuity" to him.
In reference to a lawsuit that he is representing Alex and Ani over, Geragos said, "For lack of a better word, we've got a couple of knuckleheads, [and] it's not at the forefront of anything we're worried about."
"Unfortunately when you become successful people want to take an elevator to the penthouse and that won't happen here, trust me," said Geragos.
Geragos explained how he met Alex and Ani CEO Carolyn Rafaelian - and spoke to how the "company culture" brought him in.
"I was at a charity event at Carolyn's Sakonnet Vineyard -- she was doing a fundraiser for an Armenian orphanage," said Geragos. "They have a unique blend of doing humanitarian work...Carolyn was the hit in New York this week."
Model, entrepreneur and activist Gisele Bündchen, co-anchor of Good Morning America Robin Roberts; and Rafaelian were among the women recognized Tuesday in New York City by the David Lynch Foundation (DLF), a global charitable organization that addresses the epidemic of trauma and toxic stress amongst at-risk populations.
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