Newport Manners & Etiquette: Happy Doable Prenups, How to Toast & How to Dunk + Opioid Crisis
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Debating the importance of the wedding prenup agreement, how to toast like a Frenchman, why not to dunk like an Englishwoman and battling the opioid crisis one friend at a time were all questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.
What to say when asked to sign a prenup
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTQ. Does getting a prenup mean that my fiancée doesn't trust me? I'm not feeling the love. How do I convince her that it's not necessary? She says that her parents had a prenup and so do her married sister and brother. The Groom, Location Withheld
A. Prenuptial agreements are not just for rock stars and CEOs and they don't have to be drawn up to kill the romance. So get those two notions out of your head. Prenups are fairly common, and as you say, they run in her family.
A prenup just happens to be a good excuse for an engaged couple to create a financial mission statement. It's not just about who gets what. Going beyond that - before the wedding - it may be your last opportunity to set priorities during the marriage. Think of a prenup as a blueprint to design your financial future with your life partner. What you need to know:
- First off, a prenup can be difficult to enforce. Your fiancée can't just hand you a legal document and ask you to sign it, you should have your own attorney. Some states even require that you each retain your own lawyer, and pay your own legal fees. So find out if that is the case in your state.
- If you don't want to set up an overweight or cheating clause where your spouse pays a fee for getting fat or cheating, then don't.
- On the other hand, one of the easiest ways of getting out of a prenup is being able to claim that you did not have time to consult with your own attorney.
What's included in a prenup?
- Basically, a prenup specifies who gets what in the event of a breakup - and that would include any pets.
- It helps you hash out the details of a financial plan to ensure that you're both on the same page walking down the aisle. For instance, how to divide up the living expenses. Or if you're taking turns working to support one another through school.
- Some prenups have little hammers for weight gain or infidelity.
*One thing you can't specify in a prenup is child custody, because it won't hold up in court.
After deciding to have a prenup, many couples will agree - as a sign of good will - to tear it up after a certain amount of time has lapsed. Perhaps, that's what you need to say.
Battling the opioid crisis one good friend at a time
Q.What to say when your good friend nearly overdosed on opioids? After a ski accident three years ago, from which his back hasn't been without pain since, he became addicted to painkillers. He is a coworker and we find ourselves covering for him most days, in one way or another. GL, Boston, MA
A. It isn't just about what you say to the person, because most addicts have convinced themselves that "once a junkie, always a junkie." They'll tell you themselves exactly what recovering alcoholics say, "One is too many, and a thousand aren't enough." Remember, nobody wants their life to be controlled by an addiction. Too easily, taking two pain killers every six hours progresses to taking three every four hours. But what you can do is to help your friend visualize the larger picture by stating pertinent facts:
- We are facing a national opioid problem of epidemic proportion with over 64,000 overdoses last year - up over 25% from 2015.
GL, be his buddy and talk to him with virtual reality:
- What he should know is that a recent study found that almost twelve percent of patients who took opioids for chronic pain became addicted, so he should look at other methods of dealing with his chronic pain to find out how to safely handle continual physical suffering.
- He needs to follow a plan and think about safety first and detoxification, then abstinence.
- His focus should be on his cognitive process and questioning his "thinking errors," because opioid addiction is a known cause of brain disease.
- He needs to look into alternatives - perhaps after a psychological intervention - such as biofeedback, stress management, yoga, and relaxation training.
Keep on bringing up the subject of his figuring out how to get well. Don't give up. Talk to him and don't let him blow you off when you ask him how he's doing. Remind him that he's not alone. Everyone has something that they are dealing with which they have to figure out how to handle.
Here's a link to an excellent Washington Post article on the opioid crisis.
What to say about dunking
Q. Do you dunk or drown? Is dunking an etiquette faux pas? Meredith, Cincinnati, OH
A. To dunk or not to dunk? A sweet debate. Put simply, dunking is a messy game. Kids drowning graham crackers in their milk is one thing, in an grownup setting it's messy business. Recently a poll of 600 adults, discovered that 52% thought it was bad manners. You better watch out if you're ever thinking about dunking a biscuit in an English tea room, because you could well be asked to leave. You may even see a sign such as this: The un-savoury habit of dunking biscuits is strictly prohibited and will result in you being asked to leave the tea rooms.
Feasibly such an offense as dunking would insult any hostess anywhere. When you're a guest it is quite simply not considerate. Who wants to fish out the dregs at the bottom of your cup after you've gone home. Let's face it, you can't not make a mess dunking. If you must dunk, be sure that what you're dunking is sturdy enough to save itself from drowning.
What to say about toasting
Q. After toasting the host at a party the other night, I was mortified when the person next to me reprimanded me for the way I tinkled glasses with her. She said the real way to clink after a toast was to make eye contact. She went on to say, "The French become suspicious of you if you don't made eye contact while toasting." Never before had I even considered that making eye contact clinking flutes was a prerequisite to toasting. Is it? Ava, Dover, Delaware
A. From now on make eye contact with anyone you are clinking glasses with and add a smile. Although, be careful.
- In some cultures making eye contact is considered impolite.
- Even in the USA, you'll find that certain people avoid eye contact - period. Especially Native American and Native Alaskan cultures.
- Also, many Asian do not adhere to the practice of going eye ball to eye ball.
- In cultures where eye contact is made only among their peers, eye contact could be considered rude or arrogant coming from someone from another cultural level.
- In much of America intense continuous eye contact - unless it is during an intimate romantic moment - can be interpreted as odd or even hostile.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her forthcoming book.
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