Newport Manners & Etiquette: End Awkward Holiday Altercations

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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In celebration of four years next month of writing this column for GoLocalProv, we've created a new NewportManners website, which we hope you'll visit. Here are the most recent questions about preparing disagreeable family members for the holidays, how to remind someone that they are repeating themselves, and in this unseasonably mild weather what to do about hot dogs in cars. What do you wear to a country mountain Fall wedding? All fresh at NewportManners this week and every week.

Asking Relatives to lighten up for the holidays

My sister despises my ex-husband. He and I have remained friends because we have young adult children. Family gatherings, especially around this time of year, are awkward for me and my son and daughter because my sister is outwardly hostile toward their father. They can be seated at opposite ends of the table, but she'll still find a way to get a dig in. How can I make this more tolerable for our family?  Paula, Providence

Family festivities can bring out the very best behavior in a family or the very worst. Before the holidays begin, have lunch with your sister, or chat on the phone, to tell her how you feel. Tell her it is uncomfortable for everyone when she is mean to your former husband in front of his children as well as other family members who were once part of his family. It makes you squeamish anticipating the holidays. Ask her politely to please refrain from saying anything unkind, mean or hostile to your former husband for the sake of your children---her niece and nephew. Remind her that they are incredibly sensitive to her hurtful remarks and if she doesn't promise you that she will think carefully before saying anything critical to him, you and your children will be forced to pull out of the festivities. It sounds childish to threaten your sister, but she needs to know how strongly you feel.  ~Didi

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Forgetting you repeated yourself

I have a very elderly friend who talks endlessly, repeating herself several times along the way. Would you please suggest how to handle this situation without hurting her feelings?  Lee, Cambridge, MA

It is a bit like when you walk into a room to get something only to momentarily forget what you were looking for. But it comes to you eventually. The older person doesn't remember he already just told you that snippet of information. You politely say, “Yes, George, you just told me that. I got it the first time." It is as if they have to relearn the fact that they already said it in order to stop repeating the same information again and again.

Sadly, that is about all you can do. Even if you ask if they remember telling you the second (third or fourth) time, they don't remember. It is short term memory loss. Be patient, acknowledge that you heard them the first time and if necessary, repeat back what they told you. The expression that seems to work the best in response is, "I got it the first time," because it helps them learn that they already repeated what they just said---at least once.  ~Didi

Dogs in hot cars

A few days ago, my sister and I pulled into a grocery store parking lot. My dog was in the back seat. It's been unseasonably warm, so we left all of the windows down a few inches for the dog. A woman in the car next to mine made a comment to my sister about us leaving the dog in the car. My sister answered her politely, while I could barely control my rage. Is it appropriate for strangers to tell people how to care for their pets, or children for that matter, when all they have is a few seconds to judge the goings-on?  Frustrated, New England

Road rage infects parking lots. The woman who berated you about your supposed long-suffering dog doesn’t know you. In real life, dogs would prefer to tag along. For the most part they would rather take a road trip to the supermarket than guard the house—just to be with you. Next time stick a post-it note on your window saying: Back at 12:15pm. That way the busy body knows how long you'll be gone.  ~Didi

Mountain country fall wedding

We are invited to a very casual western cowboy hat dinner on the groom evening outdoors before the wedding in late October, where it is 50 degrees in the mountains in AZ. What can I wear to be warm enough outside with heaters for cocktails, the ceremony, and reception with dinner and dancing?  M.Y., AZ

As you say, it is a casual mountain country dinner the night before the wedding, which makes the dress code about dressing the location and climate in a casual style. It is more about the quality than the dressiness of the outfit. Wear any kind of suede, leather, or animal print article of clothing or boots to the wedding and to the dinner the night before. Make that your statement and add a suede hat.  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

 

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