Newport Manners + Etiquette: Deleting Your Ex on Facebook + More
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
App-ing that ex right out of your face
It's hard to find dignity when you're breaking up. It was mutual. We should have done it sooner. Since we were together for four years all our friends know one another. Every time I go to Facebook or Instagram my ex is out and about making a fool of himself. I can't escape him, he's everywhere! I even see texts about him. I just want him REALLY out of my life. Help! B.W., Houston, TX
Fret no more. There is a behind-the-scenes mobile app to help you through the healing process. You're certainly not the only one who wants to wash their ex right out of their hair. When unfollowing and defriending aren't doing it for you there is an amazing app that can actually—or so they say—remove your ex's digital trail from your Facebook and Instagram. The mobile app Killswitch, available for Android and iPhone, finds and deletes all the photos, posts, and status updates of your ex's existence.
Nevertheless, if you do end up flirtexting your ex at two in the morning, the app Ex-Lover Blocker will curb your enthusiasm by texting your closest friend to call you out on your regressive behavior—however, at the moment that app is still only available in Portuguese.
On the other hand, to remove telltale signs of your former boyfriend when you spot presents he gave you or his clothing, sports equipment, or CDs too good to throw out, you can always sell them on a blog called Never Liked It Anyway. ~Didi
Pre-wedding birthday present dilemma
My fiancé's mother passed away in October and left her entire estate to him. He gave me one of her fur coats for my birthday gift in February. Although I love the fur, I can't help but feel it is not a birthday gift but an heirloom. He did not give me anything else for my birthday. Am I wrong to feel slighted? D.W., Manhattan
In his mind, he has given you a very special birthday present. It may be an heirloom, but if you're getting married and since his mother's estate hasn't been probated, he may be concerned about wedding expenses. If he had given you a family heirloom in the form of a huge sparkling emerald, would you still feel he should have bought you something new?
Don't feel slighted, you two may have very different values. Being of the same mind about money can make or break an engagement or marriage. Perhaps this is a wake-up call inadvertently bringing you up to speed on how he handles money. If you don't have the same values, you need to talk to your fiancé, because his values won't change once you're married.
What you learn with a husband is that you have to guide him as to what you want. If you hinted you wanted something else and he didn't listen or explain why he didn't get it for you, then that's another issue.
To be honest, a lot of families don't make a big deal of birthday presents once a child turns eighteen. It may not be part of his family culture to buy expensive birthday presents. If he took you out for a lovely dinner as well, then he thought that and the fur coat were sufficient.
Of course, I don't know what you gave your fiancé for his birthday, but if it cost you a month's salary, then you may feel slighted. Please, be mindfull that your fiancé is mourning the death of his mother. Be gentle, we all grieve differently. In his own time and in his own way, he will get through the grieving process. A wedding and a funeral are a lot for any one person to handle. ~Didi
Fireside cozy Connecticut wedding
I will be attending a wedding in CT the end of March at 3:00 PM at an inn. The invitation says to dress casual for a fireside feast which ends around 7:00 PM. I am in my late 20's and a friend of the bride and groom. What is the appropriate dress for this type of wedding? Allison, Pomfret, CT
Ideally, you want to be wearing a really comfy tea length dress with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. A lovely blouse or sweater with a knee-length skirt would be cozy at well. Lengthwise, just above the knee means: in bare feet stand with your hands dropped to the sides of your thighs and estimate where the longest fingers touch; that's the shortest you want your skirt to go. Since this wedding is not formal, it is all about making everyone feel relaxed and happy. The quality of the clothing is the focus, as opposed to the dressiness of the outfit. ~Didi
Widowed sister insists on a formal wedding
My sister is sixty years old and a widow. She is getting married and having a formal wedding. Is it proper for her to wear a white or off-white bridal gown? And, my other sister who is 65 and me, 55, and my older sister's daughter-in-law, who is 30-something, are her bridesmaids. Two questions? Can the bridesmaids wear long gowns? And what about having our older sister's daughter-in-law standing up for her? Is that kinda weird or is it just me? B.T., Coventry
Be happy for your widowed sister. If she was divorced, a formal wedding would seem inappropriate because it might appear to be mocking the institution of marriage. Usually, a widow plays down her next wedding out of respect for her deceased husband. But I don't know your sister. Traditionally, you're right, your widowed sister would wear a knee-length skirt-suit or dress in an off-white or beige, with a bit of sleeve. However, your sister has come out of mourning and is now very happy, so why not indulge her?
If the wedding ceremony is taking place from five o'clock on, then it can pass as a formal evening wedding and the bridesmaids could wear floor length dresses. If this is a morning or afternoon wedding, you and your sister would wear knee-length skirt-suits or dresses.
Nowadays anything goes as far as who stands up for the bride. Your sister must feel that this 30-something woman has given her a lot of emotional support and is rewarding her for her friendship. At this point, it may be up to the person who is standing up for the bride to stand down and say, "I know you appreciate me and I am thrilled that you've chosen me to stand up for you, but I would feel uncomfortable doing so. Is there someone else you can ask?" Then of course if she says, "No," you're stuck.
In my opinion, you are going to have to humor your widowed sister: go with the flow. You and your oldest sister can certainly insist on knee-length dresses, but that may be as far as a compromise will go. I know you're not going to like this answer, but your sister has gone through a terrible ordeal with the death of her husband and needs to be able to feel she can take control of her life and have fun. It's her party, let her do what she wants to do. ~Didi
We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we're happy to post it anonymously. Your important queries help other readers make better choices. Didi researches contemporary etiquette and all matters of manners. Or you can ask them on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or Twitter. Earlier GoLocalProv columns are listed below or can be accessed by a search.
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