Newport Manners & Etiquette: Bridezilla, Acing the Business Lunch & Easier Job Hunting
Wednesday, February 07, 2018
Handling an obsessive bridezilla, relationship financial infidelities etiquette, business lunch manners matter, and a tip for easier job hunting were all questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners this week.
Bridezilla Is Quite Simply Impossible
Q. Our darling daughter has become quite unreasonable, obsessive and demanding in making plans for her wedding. We've asked her to make compromises but she is acting out a sense of entitlement that we hadn't noticed before. She thinks that because she is the "good" child (did the best in school and has a few degrees, unlike her siblings, and never got in trouble like her siblings), she is entitled to having her wedding her way. The reality is that we can't afford the impractical wedding she wants and we're not going into debt because of her highfalutin ideas. Help? Name Withheld
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTA. Your daughter has entered the bridezilla bubble and it needs to be popped. Tell her that if she wants things her way, she will need to enlist her fiancé into pitching in substantially to the cost of the wedding. If you've said these things already, reiterate over a cozy lunch of just the two of you.
- You're not going into debt over her wedding.
- In all fairness to her siblings, they will be allotted the same amount for their weddings, and state that amount.
- Suggest that she get a grip on her values and think about having her bridal registry benefit her favorite charity or cause. Help her take the emphasis off of material goods by talking about how grateful she should be for even having a wedding, unlike most people in the world her age who can't afford one. She should show appreciation toward her family for what they can do for her by giving back.
- To show gratitude the wedding couple could designate a small amount of money, the cost of the wedding favor, to a charity in the wedding guest's name. For instance, Zankyou.com allows guests to choose the charity gift that they want to donate towards and part of that gift goes to UNICEF, Oxfam or Save the Children and the wedding couple donate for their guests, directly through Zankyou.com, as a party favor.
- Register their wedding present to benefit a designated charity.
- After all, wedded bliss isn't going to be determined by the fact that you can only afford a DJ, and not a seven-piece band.
Practical ways to reduce wedding costs:
- Do not encourage plus ones. Friends can't invite friends to your daughter's wedding.
- Eliminate leaving gift bags in guests' hotel rooms and party favors at each wedding reception place setting.
- Second hand wedding dresses are very chic.
- A seated dinner can be less expensive than a buffet.
- Use paperless post evites for all wedding festivities, the tracking system is helpful and you save a lot of money.
- Have numbered table cards, but eliminate place setting cards with individual guest names.
Nowadays, wedding couples expect to negotiate a marriage that fills both of their needs. Few wedding couples in the past have had so many conscious decisions to make about the kind of marriage they will have - let alone the kind of wedding. If your daughter is obsessed by getting every detail right in an effort to reflect the uniqueness of their relationship, she may have a fear that once they're married they might not get it right.
Doing Lunch -- Eating While Negotiating
Q. Are business deals negotiated over sharing a meal or having drinks necessary? Our boss just took away our expense accounts for taking clients to lunch. It doesn't make sense. And it leaves us coming up short when clients want lunch and we have to pay, or at least pay our share. TG, Morristown, NJ
A. "Let's do lunch." Martini lunches are rare these days, but the martini-less business lunch or dinner is still as pivotal as ever in strengthening relationships and sealing the deal. In Russia and Japan business is almost always conducted over a meal. Tell your boss that recent studies exploring reasons why deciding vital issues while sharing a meal raises the level of productivity in discussions.
- According to a recent article in the Harvard Business Review, two studies showed glucose levels boost brain activities bolstering self-control and "regulating prejudice and aggressive behaviors."
- Eating together affected negation outcomes.
- "The students who ate together while negotiating -- either at a restaurant or over food brought into a business conference room -- created significantly increased profits compared to those who negotiated without dining.
- Individuals who negotiated in restaurants created 12% greater profits than those who negotiated over food in a conference room where the fair is likely to be a sandwich and water rather than a full meal
Body language:
Other research shows that the unconscious mimicking behaviors of others leads to increased pro-social behaviors; apparently when individuals eat together they act out the same facial and hand motions.
This unconscious mimicking of each other may induce positive feelings toward both the other party and the matter under discussion.
Table manners are important.
If one of the people you are dining with has gross table manners, you're less likely to stay engaged in what he's saying because he's talking with his mouth full of food, distracting you into thinking about his appalling manners and not the business at hand.
Don't Let Financial Infidelities Keep You From Marriage
Q. I love my live-in boyfriend. We've been together three years, and he wants to get married, but I'm hesitant because we haven't worked out the money thing. We really don't have the money we need to save for our ideal wedding. Not that we have to have fancy champagne and a catered dinner. How do I get Billy to focus on the fact that we need to talk about money and make plans. We never discuss our finances. Sometimes he has money, sometimes not, but he pays half the rent and utilities. What's a wannabe bride to do? Name Withheld, Providence
A. You don't need to read studies to tell you that the most common problem most couples face is the hesitancy of talking about money. You're certainly not alone, Ms. Wannabe bride, in your wish to take stress out of your relationship by dealing with money more responsibly. So make a pact. Assure your boyfriend that you're committed to keeping your financial independence, but you'd like it if the two of you would start setting aside money to pay for your debt-free wedding. How much can you reasonably both contribute a month to the wedding pot?
First off, you must have a truthful sit-down discussion about your spending.
"Financial infidelities" are the greatest concerns for most couples. Hiding spending is a relationship breaker.
- What are your pet hidden expenditures?
- How much of that can you each commit to the wedding pot?
- How much of that can you spend on shared experiences such as date nights, vacations and entertaining friends?
Investing in your long term relationship is something to work on together. Try cutting down by spending more time and money on having shared experiences.
- When friends and relatives learn your plan, they may even offer to pitch in to help pay for your wedding. Wouldn't that be nice!
Searching For A New Job In 2018 Made Easy
Q. I'm miserable in my job. At first I was excited about having my first job after college, but the culture here is toxic. Guys who do the exact same job make a lot more money than we women, even though we were all hired around the same time. How do I find the best job for me? I can't afford to quit before I know for sure that I have another one and job hunting seems like a full-time job in itself.
TC, Jamaica Plain, MA
A. Iceland recently made it illegal to pay men more than women for the same job description. Take a look at the glassdoor.com and download the app, a job search app that is currently being used by 45 million monthly unique users researching corporations. It's easy to drag your résumé on to and allows job seekers, like yourself, the ability to upload their résumé to apply for jobs or to simply save to use at another time.
- Not only will you have access to millions of jobs and information about other companies, but the fact that you can integrate your resume into job applications is time saving.
- We like the checklist to use when researching a company and the idea that you can read reviews from people, like yourself, about the culture of the company.
It's all about how to find the right job faster. Best of luck.
Didi Lorillard research manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her forthcoming book.
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