Newport Manners & Etiquette: Back to School
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Solving the problem of the flirtations between student and teacher. Back to school worries of letting go and the tug between keeping quiet or offering gentle criticism to the helicopter parent were questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners this month.
The taboo of the teacher-student relationship
Q. In the nineties, when I attended a boarding school for four years, it was well-known that there were certain students who flirted with teachers and other staff members. Whether in the hope of getting better grades or out of sheer playful teenage lust, it was evident to most of us who was flirting with whom. Some students appeared much needier for adult attention than others and wore their illicit affair as a badge of courage -- the teacher's pet. There are obvious consequences for the promiscuous behavior on both sides. Nobody wants to snitch on anybody, but in all fairness, there are two sides to every story being exposed and every secret illicit act. In teaching these adolescent ladies and gentlemen manners, what can schools do today to end sexual abuse? Anonymous, Boston
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A. Aside from hiring an undercover detective to bring predators to justice, it would be far more productive in the long run for schools to offer stronger professional support to their faculty.
There are important boundaries which must never be crossed. However, when the boundaries become hazy, teachers are more apt to find themselves dazzled -- and more than likely, confused. They need to find a way to talk about the feelings being experienced by both the teacher and the student, and how to make sense of them.
The taboo, of course, makes the adult and the teenager feel humiliated, because in shame they are forced to hide their emotions.
In a perfect world, there would be a way for the teacher to acknowledge his or her feelings by talking them through. That process should strengthen their resolve rather than make them feel that their emotions are a show of weakness, sickness, perverseness. It goes without saying that the child should have support, too, but it is the adult who is legally and ethically responsible for handling his or her power in a healthy manner.
The adult, then, would be better able to steer the relationship. When they understand that when they have greater control over the relation with the student, fewer boundaries are crossed.
Helicopter parenting
Q. Their intentions are good -- however overprotective. What happens to the resilience of the child when mom and dad are hoverers? My sister and her husband post daily Instagrams of their adorable offspring. It's the language, though, that's giving them away as being possible overbearers. For instance the posts are labeled, "Our first day in nursery school." 'Our' meaning the child and the parents! And "Our first soccer shoes." Who is the soccer player? I pity the coach. It reminds me of the overly aggressive behavior parents of our son's teammates display. How do we politely call attention to this excessive interest before my sibling suffocates her kids? What do we have to look forward to? "We're applying to colleges? Notre Dame is our first choice?" How do we not appear critical, but make a point nicely? I should add that the "we" and "our" are used in conversation as well." E.P., Detroit, MI
A. At least you are not asking your sibling and her husband whether of not they are neglecting their children. The problem is that they come off as caring too much. There is a happy, healthy middle ground. It is best, however, to tread lightly when expressing your views. Using humor to illustrate that you get a kick out of seeing a photo of "our first soccer shoes" would be a start. Call them on their usage of pronouns when it comes to family members. Add that you may have done the same thing.
Sometimes when a parent feels he or she is deficient in their parenting skills they imagine ill-will or evil-doing toward their child, and champion themself as the child's hero.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.
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