Setting goals for 2018, what to do when a friend body-shames you, when minimum wage isn't paid and what to do when a good friend's marriage is on the rocks were all questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.
Body-Shaming Friend
Q. The morning after seeing an old friend at a New Year's Eve party, she forwarded me an email ad featuring a loose weight quick product along with a personal message from her saying, "Great seeing you last night, hope this product helps you in the New Year." How would you respond to such body-shaming? For the record, I'm personally OK with my weight and I'm not unhealthily obese, just pleasantly plump and I exercise several times a week. KB, Providence
A. Don't respond. Whether fit-shaming or fat-shaming, it's body-shaming. With friends like her, you don't need body-shaming enemies. Drop it. Bringing up her email in conversation would fall on deaf ears. You have significantly different values.
Q. During the holidays I found myself in an excruciatingly difficult social situation with the husband of a good friend. I am not paranoid, but at a Christmas party he followed me out of one room and into another where he cornered me to give me a message. He asked that we sit down to talk. Hearing kindness in his voice, we sat down and shot the breeze about our careers and our kids. After the ice was broken, he put me on notice. But didn't say what I was to do about it. If his wife doesn't stop drinking, he told her he would leave her even though he loves her. He clearly can't watch her deteriorate further. Name Withheld
A. You cannot take sides. Your good friend needs your support. Her husband needs you to listen to him. He's already given her the ultimatum. If she is a reallygood friend, the best you can do is offer to go to AA with her. You can tell him that you would be willing to participate in an intervention, but he has to organize and set it up.
Q. My parents have help with their daily care, but don't pay a minimum wage. They are needlessly tight with their money, how do we get them to pay these loyal and devoted caregivers a minimum wage? We find it embarrassing to even talk to them. When we try to discuss the injustice with my parents, they say, "We've always paid them that, why should we pay more?" Name Withheld
A. Find out the minimum wage in your state and explain so that your parents will listen, that prices have risen and their caregivers' current salaries should be based on the legal wage, whether it is fifty cents or a dollar more an hour, it will make a difference in their lives.
Reflecting on 2017
Q. What did you learn about yourself in 2017? With the prevalence of #MeToo and the Time's Up movement, what can you tell us? CL, Peabody, MA
A. Just to give you the heads up, I'm not a life coach.
A couple of years ago a childhood friend called me from Thailand, where he lives as an expatriate, to tell me that he was sorry that he had assaulted me sexually and he wanted to make amends and apologize. Quite frankly, I had tried to put that nightmare behind me and hearing from him opened the wound, but at the same time gave me closure. He didn't rape me, but it was quite a struggle trying to control his drunken aggression. The best news about him is that he hasn't had a drink in forty years.
That embarrassing incident taught me to watch for signs when someone is loosing control and walk away immediately. Get out. Tell someone, anyone, what happened so that the two of you are not the only people who know about what happened.
Beauty-wise, the easiest to talk about:
Makeup you've been using for decades starts to fail as skins fall and doesn't hydrate or illuminate the way they used to. No matter the price, liquid makeup is not your friend. After the first half hour, it makes wrinkles look deeper. It is more enlivening to highlight eyes, lips, and cheekbones.
Nothing is less flattering than a man or woman over sixty who dyes their hair darker to look younger. It doesn't work because we know you dye your hair, so stop fooling yourself. You're not fooling us.
Having been body-shamed as a child scars you for life, so let go of fretting about your weight and accept a body image that is less stressful.
The sun is not your friend. Wear sunscreen year-round.
Money-wise over the years, the hardest to talk about:
Education is the key to success. It is constructive knowledge. If you don't fully understand the economics of a well-lived life, you will never be satisfied with your situation.
Family-wise:
There is nothing more important in life than family. Life is too short to hold grudges. When you role model taking great care of your family, family doesn't forget the quality time you spent just on them.
Career-wise:
Education, education, education. Pushing children to reach their potential will make them happier citizens.
Choosing a woman mentor, who was probably much harder on my job performance than a male mentor would have ever been -- because male mentors usually have alternative motives for mentoring -- was far more beneficial to my career.
Health-wise:
Generally speaking, people with a passion for a life-long sport are healthier physically and mentally.
Fashion-wise:
Dress your age.
Darker solid colors are more practical and complimentary.
V-shaped necklines and vertical stripes and lines are the most flattering.
Try wearing a push-up bra.
If you have a long neck, good legs and/or arms, flaunt your assets.
Friendship-wise:
Lecturing people on the fact that meditating will make them ten percent happier, or being gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, exercising and practicing yoga more, and fad diets usually backfire with people who make excuses why they don't do it.
At the end of the year, set goals for 2018, but making New Year's resolutions you probably won't keep can be self-defeating. Only 17% of resolutions made are kept. On the other hand, if you turn the goal into a resolution, you have a ten percent chance of success, especially if the goal is specific. For instance, use the goal meditate as your password.
What to fight for in 2018: Top Seven
National children's health care and dental care funding
Higher minimum wage
Obama Care
Social Security and Medicare
Funding for HIV/AIDS
Funding for Alzheimer's research
Defending climate control
Didi Lorillard is not a life coach. She researches manners and etiquette for her upcoming book at NewportManners where you, too, can ask a question or find answers to social dilemmas.
Related Slideshow: 50 Ways to Give in RI This Holiday Season - 2022
There is nothing more important to parents and families than being as close to their kids as possible while they are in the hospital. Help more families be close to their kids, donate HERE.
Every year, over 300 families stay at the House while an additional 1,900 enjoy the Family Room. Both rooms are designed to keep families close during hospitalizations.
The Ronald McDonald House makes a difference by:
providing a safe and caring environment to families with children at hospitals
Kids from low-income families, ethnic minority groups, and English language learners are at the highest risk for lacking the fundamental tools that provide the basic building blocks for reading.
Books are Wings is trying to change that by providing FREE books. Help them out by making a donation HERE.
At Books Are Wings Book Parties, kids read stories, discuss literature, spell their names and get FREE books to help their reading skills at home.
Books are Wings makes a difference by:
providing children with FREE books needed in their homes to continue ongoing literacy efforts
You can never donate enough to benefit the well-being of kids.
Children's Friend is one of the leaders in attempting to improve the lives of children. Donate to them HERE.
How important are they? With centers in Providence, Pawtucket and Central Falls, Children’s Friend serves over 30,000 of Rhode Island's most vulnerable children and their families each year.
Children's Friend makes a difference by:
providing flexible, effective, and culturally-relevant services
advocating for programs and policies that support and strengthen children and their families
Domestic violence is an issue around the country and often times it takes time for victims to feel safe again.
Sojourner House, Inc. is a domestic violence agency that assists victims of relationship violence by providing shelter, advocacy, and violence prevention education. Make a donation HERE.
Donate to their safe house wish list with items like toaster ovens, small tables, pillows, fitted sheets, and pots and pans for their residents.
Sojourner House makes a difference by:
operating a 24-hour Help Line
safe house shelter and transitional housing program
free rapid HIV testing
support and empowerment group and advocacy services
The Capital Good Fund works to create pathways out of poverty for Rhode Islanders by providing affordable loans that take the place of payday loans, buy-here-pay-here car financing, and rent-to-own pricing. Donate HERE.
How important are they? To date, they have provided 3,254 loans totaling $6,291,496 have been disbursed to low-income Americans.
The Capital Good Fund makes a difference by:
offering small loans and personalized Financial + Health Coaching to families in Rhode Island
The Fierce For Shannon Foundation provides scholarships to high school students, but does so in a way that’s very different from most scholarship-granting organizations.
"We don’t use an application process, it’s done through relationships. The way Shannon built relationships. We find individuals who are nominated by teachers, counselors and staff. We look for those 'bubble' students," says the Foundation. "The ones with unrealized potential. Young people who could use a boost of confidence to help them succeed."
Shannon Heil's life was taken at age 18 in a car accident -- and now her father Brian works to encourage others to "pay it forward" in his daughter's memory.
The effort is a movement and provides scholarships to other.
For kids, being in hospitals for any length of time is difficult -- and being there for an extended period of time and missing birthday parties is one of toughest parts.
The Confetti Foundation brings the birthday parties to kids in the hospital. Make a donation HERE.
How important is it? It was started in hopes that families would, for 30 minutes of their child's sickness, just stop and celebrate. With your help -- you can make a difference.
There a number of great organizations using horses to help people overcome their lives challenges, and Gaits of Harmony is one of those.
Gaits of Harmony provides people of all ages with chances to educate, enrich and empower themselves in order to overcome challenges of their daily lives through interaction with horses.
It serves thirty clients and involves members of the community all helping clients overcome their own individual challenges.
Gaits of Harmony was named one of the top nonprofits of 2016 by greatnonprofits.org.
Gaits of Harmony Therapeutic Riding makes a difference by:
therapeutic riding - riding lessons adapted to the ability of the rider in individual or group lessons
Hippotherapy - a form of physical, occupational or speech therapy in which a therapist uses the characteristic movements of a horse to provide carefully graded motor and sensory input. Offered as private lessons
interactive vaulting - fosters teamwork, teaches respect for the horse, fosters independence, builds confidence and encourages social interaction. Lesson is both mounted and un-mounted. Offered only as group lessons
If you're concerned about children beyond this country's borders, improving the lives of kids and families all around the world is something you can do this holiday season.
Plan International has been working to break the cycle of child poverty for more than 75 years and in over 50 countries. The programs help millions of kids and their families escape poverty over the world.
What could be better than supporting an organization that helps inner-city kids develop their creativity? New Urban Arts does just that.
How important is this program? According to New Urban Arts, 500 high school students, 25 emerging artists and over 3,000 visitors benefit through youth programs, professional development workshops, artist residencies, public performances, and exhibitions.
Helping the homeless is always a priority, but they come more into focus with the arrival of the winter season. Help out the homeless this holiday season by making a donation HERE.
Be the Change Sunday Meal was named one of the great nonprofits of 2016 by greatnonprofits.org.
Be The Change Sunday Meal makes a difference by:
serving Sunday meals
collecting and distributing items of need (coats, socks, food) to the homeless
Sometimes all it takes to turn someone's day or life around is giving them a little bit of hope. And a Rhode Island nonprofit is working to do just that. Make a donation HERE.
The RI Dream Center provides thousands of meals and thousands of punds of clothing to the homeless on the streets on a yearly basis.
Soccer is one of the few sports that are truly global. No matter where you are, nearly everyone knows how to play it.
Project Goal teams with the New England Revolution to help Rhode Island's disadvantaged youth by using the game of soccer. Make a donation HERE.
Project Goal currently operates after-school programs for sixth, seventh and eighth grade children from Providence, Pawtucket, and Central Falls every Monday and Friday.
Project Goal Inc. makes a difference by:
combining the benefits of academic achievement with the motivation and self-discipline of sports
promoting educational opportunity
combating growing problems of illiteracy, school delinquency, adolescent crime and obesity
School is supposed to be fun, at least a little bit, and the Newport Public Education Foundation works to take care of that. Help make school fun by donating HERE.
How important are they? The Foundation provides funds and support for music programs, field trips and more by annually awarding $20,000 in grants.
Newport Public Education Foundation makes a difference by:
supporting programs and services that address district-wide educational needs and enhance student learning
fostering community volunteerism in the schools
encouraging a community dialogue addressing school district-wide educational issues
raising funds to support our current programs and to establish a strong financial foundation that will permit future expansion
ensuring broad community participation in the organization and to create an organizational structure optimizing execution of all goals.
Everyone has a wish and for kids who are battling their own personal life challenges, those wishes can seem very distant at times. Help make kids wishes come true this holiday season by donating HERE.
Here is one of their granted wishes:
"Johnnel is a 4-year-old boy who is legally blind and wished for a bedroom/therapeutic room makeover. He lives in Central Falls with his mom, dad, and siblings. His bedroom was re-done so that exercise mats were installed on the floors and walls. A handrail was also installed on the wall to help Johnnel learn to walk, as well as a double “Dutch” door. All construction costs were donated by LOPCO Contracting of Providence."
Children's Wishes of RI makes a difference by:
granting wishes to children with life-threatening illnesses between the ages of 2 1/2-18 years old
Everyone has different ways of learning and some have their struggles for any number of reasons. Supporting the education of children in need is a great way to give. Make donation HERE.
The Wolf School enrolls up to 60 children in six classrooms with 6-8 students per class in Lower School and up to 10 students per class in Middle School.
The Wolf School makes a difference by:
utilizing an intensive and integrated model which allows children to discover their strengths and talents by meeting their academic, social and emotional needs
having an individualized academic programming following grade level expectations
having language based learning environment with sensory processing supports and social thinking skills immersed into the academic curriculum
The more researchers, the better chance of finding a cure for all types of cancer. Who doesn't want that? Make a donation HERE.
To date, Hope Funds for Cancer Research has completed funding of 14 fellowships, resulting in ten of these programs being published in top-tier journals and eight of these Fellows having already received faculty appointments.
In addition to these 14 completed fellowships, Hope Funds is currently funding 15 fellowships, with four of these having already been published.
The Hope Funds for Cancer Research makes a difference by:
holding special events to help raise money for young researchers looking for fellowship opportunities
honoring Hope Funds honors with an annual medal -- individuals or organizations who have made a significant impact to patient care
If you are concerned about the state's homeless during the holiday season, Crossroads RI is the largest homeless service organization in Rhode Island. Make a donation HERE.
Donate goods like baby diapers, non-perishable food items, and toiletries to the organization this year to help those who are homeless or at risk during these winter months.
Crossroads RI makes a difference by:
providing housing, basic needs, and shelter
assisting with case management, referrals, education and employment services
Living in the United States, students and families often have access to music and art programs at schools and in the community. Those in other countries, like Vietnam, might not be as fortunate -- and there are organizations working to help them. Make a donation HERE.
Rock Paper Scissors Children's Fund supports music and art programs for children in Vietnam.
Or you can even donate a bike to children who often have to walk long distances to get to school.
Rock Paper Scissors makes a difference by:
providing learning opportunities for young students through art and music programs
Sometimes it takes time to discover a passion, sometimes you just have to play around a bit, try different things. That is what FabNewport is all about. Help kids find their passions by donating HERE.
How important are they? FabNewport currently works with the East Bay Met School, the Newport Public Library, the Jamestown Arts Center, All Saints Academy, the Newport County Boys and Girls Clubs, the Jamestown Schools and area Home Schoolers.
FabNewport makes a difference by:
encouraging students to discover their passions through play. Play means having time to fiddle, tinker and experiment with materials in encouraging environment supported by a coach
Best Buddies is dedicated to establishing a global volunteer movement that creates opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Make a donation HERE.
How important are they? Best Buddies has grown from one original chapter to almost 1,500 middle school, high school, and college chapters worldwide. Best Buddies programs engage participants in each of the 50 United States, and in 50 countries around the world.
Best Buddies makes a difference by:
establishing a volunteer movement that creates opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities
MAE Organization is one of a number of groups working to alleviate homelessness in Rhode Island. Donate to MAE by clicking HERE.
How important are they? MAE currently provides hot meals, toiletries, shoes, bikes, tents to over 300 homeless and at risk individuals on the streets of Providence.
MAE makes a difference by providing:
wellness programs, case management, job skills training
counseling, treatment groups, and cognitive therapy
Those who served and are serving our country more than deserve to live good lives when they return to the states. Help Operation Stand Down provide that by donating HERE.
You can also help by organizing food drives for their other locations.
Operation Stand Down supports veteran soldiers who have experienced hardship and homelessness in Rhode Island.
Operation Stand Down RI makes a difference by:
helping struggling and homeless veterans by offering services and housing necessary to their well being
Give the gift of food during the holiday season by donating to the Rhode Island food bank. Click HERE to donate.
How important are they? Millions of pounds of donated food and nonfood household products are distributed into the community through their network of 250 member agency food programs in the state.
The RI Food Bank makes a difference by:
providing multiple programs to ensure that Rhode Islanders have access to the nutritious food they need
utilizing Pantry Express and Direct Delivery programs to efficiently distribute healthy foods to high-need communities
From three-year-olds to adults, the MLK Community Center provides their clients with the tools and the knowledge that they need in order to reach their dreams. Help dreams come true by donating HERE.
The MLK Community Center is as impactful and meaningful to the 3-year -old toddler entering his first day of preschool as it is to breakfast program clients who come daily for a nutritious meal shared with friends.
The Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Community Center makes a difference by:
providing clients with the tools and the knowledge to reach their dreams
Seeing hurt or sick animals doesn't have to leave you feeling helpless -- assisting with their care and recovery is one of the many ways you can give this holiday season.
You can do just that by donating to the West Place Animal Sanctuary HERE.
In 2017, West Place Animal Sanctuary was named a top-rated 5-star Nonprofit.
The West Place Animal Sanctuary makes a difference by:
providing housing, food, and medical care for injured and orphaned wild birds, waterfowl and wild turkeys as well as unwanted farm animals
overseeing rehabilitation services leading to the release of the aforementioned types of injured or orphaned wildlife, and providing placement services for farm animals whenever possible
The Newport Jazz and Folk Festivals draw thousands of fans to Newport every summer to enjoy great music by some of the best musicians who have ever lived. Donate HERE to help continue this great tradition.
The Newport Festivals Foundation is in charge of festivals such as the Newport Jazz Festival and Newport Folk Festival.
The Newport Festivals Foundation makes a difference by:
preserving the legacy of the Newport Folk & Jazz Festivals
nurturing the creation and education of folk & jazz music in Rhode Island, as well as internationally
Music can serve as an important role in communities across the state and Rhode Island.
Community MusicWorks looks to create an urban community through music education and performance that can transform the lives of children, families, and musicians. Click HERE to donate.
Community MusicWorks makes a difference by:
teaching, mentoring, program design, and performance activities of the Providence String Quartet
creating an opportunity for a professional string quartet to build and transform its own urban community
Building a community where lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, and queer youth can develop and be themselves is a vital part of the world today. Donate HERE to help Youth Pride continue to provide that.
Youth Pride Inc. makes a difference by:
providing free programs including individual counseling, weekly discussion groups, leadership trainings, social events and wellness activities.
being an affirming space for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning young people to build community, develop connections and be themselves
Amos House provides direct support for people in need by offering meals, shelter, and other resources that help them achieve stability and services they need.
The Amos House started as a small soup kitchen, and today consists of a campus of 14 buildings including a restaurant, permanent supportive housing and a mother-child reunification center.
Amos House makes a difference in the community by providing:
90-Day recovery-based programs
ten buildings dedicated to supportive housing as well as a mother-child reunification program
culinary and carpentry training programs, and a literacy center and social enterprise businesses that employ men and women and generate income
Founded in 1978, Looking Upwards is a private, nonprofit agency offering a wide array of services to adults with developmental disabilities and children with special healthcare needs.
Providing a safe place for pregnant women and or young kids can be a monumental task. However, that is just what he people at the Little Flower Home are working to do, for Rhode Islanders in need.
Help them continue to make a difference by donating HERE.
The Little Flower Home makes a difference by:
providing comfortable private room(s) in shared apartments or shared homes for pregnant women and their children at no cost for women dealing with domestic violence, or under undue pressure
providing clean clothing for both mom and children as well as guidance with respect to the wide array of Social Services that are available
assisting with food stamps and medical insurance for families and children
Lucy's Hearth is a 24-hour emergency and transitional shelter for mothers and their children who are homeless due to economic hardship, family crisis, divorce or any number of reasons.
In one year, Lucy's Hearth sheltered 52 families – 45 mothers and 80 children through their emergency shelter, transitional apartment, and permanent apartment programs, for a total of nearly 14,000 shelter and transitional bed nights, with more than 28,000 meals served.
Lucy's Hearth makes a difference by providing:
an emergency shelter program as well as transitional and permanent apartment programs
Homeless or lost animals often rely on the kindness of volunteers, and in this case a dedicated staff working to help them. Donate to Providence Animal Rescue HERE to help save these animals.
Providence Animal Rescue makes a difference by:
providing appropriate shelter and humane care for homeless animals and seeking permanent responsible homes for adoptable animals
reducing pet overpopulation through strict spay/neuter measures and providing a diversity of humane education programs to meet community needs.
Sports can helps kids get through their day, week, month and maybe longer. The Interscholastic League helps make that possible -- donate HERE
How important are they? There are 60 public, private, and parochial high schools who make up the league. These schools sponsor athletic activities in 28 sports. More than 20,000 young men and women compete
The Rhode Island Interscholastic League makes a difference by:
supervising and administering the athletic programs contests
scheduling and overseeing matters related to the participating schools throughout the state
The Burke Fund provides financial aid to students involved in the game of golf to help them get a college education. It is one of the oldest golf scholarship programs in the country.
Since its inception, the Burke Fund has awarded over $3 million in college financial aid.
Stages of Freedom makes a difference by offering programs such as:
Bow Ties for Boys, which teaches grooming and social skills to Black boys
Girls Tea Party, which teaches social graces and table manners to young girls of color at an elegant tea party
Swim Empowerment, which teaches children of color how to swim to drive down the high rate of drownings in our community. Last year we taught 311 children to swim at area YMCAs by paying for their lessons through private donations. We also provide opportunities for them to engage with their culture and history through lectures, performances, exhibits and walking tours.
The membership-based consumer advocacy organization works to change what it means to be blind.
Help the blind -- and their families -- by donating HERE.
National Federation of the Blind makes a difference by:
providing 2 chapters, with the Greater Providence Chapter meeting the third Saturday of the month in East Providence and the Mount Hope Chapter meeting the third Thursday of the month in Bristol
working to improve the quality of education for blind children
retaining the earning levels for blind people so that it is equal to people of age sixty-five
Imagine being thousands and thousands of miles away from friends and family, and on top of that needing to be ready to go to war at any moment. Support the troops by donating HERE.
Operation Support Our Troops gives those fighting for our freedom a sense of home.
You can even make a donation in honor of a soldier in your life.
Operation Support Our Troops makes a difference by:
sending care packages to troops
providing personal messages of support, as well as other home items that are not readily available.
Preserving the beauty of Providence's architectural heritage is important to the community and the entire state. You can donate to the Providence Revolving Fund HERE.
The Revolving Fund manages two capital funds, the Neighborhood Fund with over $1.9 million in assets and the Downcity Fund with $7.2 million.
The Providence Revolving Fund makes a difference in the community by:
partnering with neighborhoods and community-based organizations
retaining and developing affordable housing
collaborating with others to preserve and develop real estate
serving as a catalyst for public and private investment