Modern Manners + Etiquette: What Men Need to Know
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The merry month of May brings men with etiquette questions to NewportManners.com about what to wear with white bucks to a son's college graduation? Whether to use a computer-generated label for wedding envelopes? As well as an old-fashioned question about table manners—how to help a partner chew with his mouth closed—and social media manners dealing with a techno-disorded son. Wow!
Dear Didi,
I recently put a classic pair of white bucks back into the mix. Traditionally I know these are worn with seersucker, etc., but I want to wear a pair of Tommy Bahama brown silk pants with a Tommy light shirt. Do the bucks work with this and are there some rules? It's my son's college graduation. P.N., West Greenwich
Dear P.N.,
They say, white bucks are the Southside Cocktail of shoes - a warm weather refreshment—that can also be worn in late spring and early fall. Wearing white bucks with light brown, khaki, or tan trousers is absolutely fine, with either a light blue dress shirt or a white shirt. Dark brown is hard to match. Think of it this way, brown trousers are 'hard chic' while white bucks are 'naif chic,' you wouldn't mix the two. You want your socks to blend with the color of your trousers or be the same color as the sole of your white bucks. For your son's college graduation you will probably want to wear a solid linen tie and a navy blue blazer that you can always take off and throw over your left shoulder if it's hot outside. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
My brilliant son has started an internship but he's still adjusting to what's over his head. He calls every day wanting advice and I painfully sit at my desk job and talk him through the problem until he finds a resolution. On the one hand, he has a high ask-to-talk ratio and asks why, why, why? But I can tell he's distracted by some technological device the whole time I'm trying to answer his whys. My son thinks he's a multi-tasker. I want to be supportive but I need to tell him that he can't waste my time. Any ideas? (name and location withheld)
Dear Super Dad,
Technology addiction can lead to attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, narcissism, or even to obsessive-compulsive disorder. The next time you think you've lost your son to a techno-disorder try to get him to take a "tech break" and step away from his computer, meet you for lunch, or just go outside to look at nature before you explain anything more. But first while you're on the phone with him, email him a message—in your own words—along these lines:
"Kiddo, I want to help you adjust to your new job but I feel you're wasting my time because you've got some kind of techno-addiction going on when we talk—while you're multi-tasking."
Then if he continues to be disrespectfully distracted during a subsequent phone call, email him again or text him, saying, "Gotcha!" ~Didi
Dear Didi,
My 29-year-old boyfriend chews with his mouth open and I don't know how to change his disgusting habit. He grew up sitting in front of the TV at dinnertime and I don't think he knows any better. I'm crazy about him but I can't stand looking at him when we're eating together. How can I get him to chew with his mouth shut without hurting his feelings? S.M., Charleston
Dear S.M.,
Take your partner out to dinner to a fairly nice—but busy—restaurant and sit so that he is facing you and your back is to a mirror-less wall. During the course of the meal, from time to time say something along these lines, "Oh, that man in back of you is really gross. He's talking while chewing. It looks so pigish." Then a little later on say, "Don't look, but I wish you could see him talking and eating with his mouth open. Now he's got food on his chin!" Then say, "Gosh, if you ever see me that drunk and eating like that chewing with my mouth open, I hope you'll give me the heads up." If what you're saying still doesn't register, finally say, "Why don't we have a word we use to signal to each other when we have food in our teeth or are chewing with our mouth open? How about 'oink?'" ~Didi
Dear Didi,
I'm getting married this fall and just received my save-the-dates back from the printer. My fiancée would like to address the save-the-dates using computer-printed mailing labels. I don't feel comfortable with that, and I'm wondering whether I'm being silly. My thinking is that because these save-the-dates are "nice" (it's a card with custom-drawn artwork letterpressed in 2 colors), shouldn't they be addressed by hand? Or is it ok to use mailing labels? Would love to hear your thoughts at your convenience. B.P., Philadelphia
Dear B.P.,
Goodness, I certainly wouldn't want to come between you and your fiancée over your S-T-Ds. However, as much as I abhor using the 'c' word, labels aren't classy and you seem like classy people. When I see a label I cringe. Another problem is that labels have been known to come off and then the envelope takes forever to be returned to the sender. You'll have enough coming back with 'no longer at this address,' 'moved,' 'forward expired,' or 'no such address' - which happens when one number is off. Your S-T-D cards are important because it's how you refine your guest list, how you find incorrect addresses, and how you present yourselves to your guests as a wedding couple.
This is my policy. As a couple, you choose a style and you stick to it. That way things don't start looking sloppy. Save-the-dates do not have to have hand calligraphy. But this is your core A-list for your wedding and you really want a defter touch. Take the time to write out those names and addresses and center the zip code in large numbers under the address—not to the left.
As you know, one of the most important things in a relationship is being able to compromise. Why not offer to split the list, or you address your friends and family and she addresses hers. Seriously, you can do it on a Saturday morning with a couple of cups of coffee sitting at the kitchen table. Split them up and write them out. ~Didi
Didi Lorillard researches shifts in etiquette at NewportManners.com and here at GoLocalProv. Find Didi on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Pinterest, after you've read her other columns listed below.
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