Modern Manners + Etiquette: Wedding Guest Etiquette
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Wedding etiquette questions galore, from gift giving dos and don'ts to the proper attire for a 5pm vineyard wedding in Newport.
Dear Didi,
My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding. The envelope didn't include my name or the word, "guest". We know the couple and they know we live together. The RSVP card asks how many will be attending? Am I invited or not? E.S., Watch Hill
Dear E.S.,
If you had been invited to the wedding, your name would have appeared on the envelope, and since the words "and guest" were not written after your boyfriend's name, he is invited solo. The RSVP card is printed for everyone -- singles, couples, families -- because the host will have to give an accurate headcount to the caterer: it is not an option for guests to invite guests. Nonetheless, don't assume the exclusion was deliberate. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
Is it inappropriate to wish a bride-to-be "Congratulations"? I have always heard that it should be, "Best Wishes" but don't know just why that is. A.Y., North Kingstown
Dear A.Y.,
Please do congratulate the bride. The whole congratulations vs. best wishes issue is dated---and sexist. Think about it. Why would you congratulate the groom on his great catch and say to the bride best wishes---implying that you hope she doesn't get ditched at the altar. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
Is it okay just to go the reception?? Jeannie, New Haven, CT
Dear Jeannie,
Traditionally, it is okay to go to the church and not the reception, but it is not okay to go to the reception and not the church. Some people like to say the reception is your reward for going to the church ceremony. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
I am attending a wedding as the date of the groom's mother. Should I give the newlyweds a gift? I've only met them once. J.B., Providence
Dear J.B.,
You have two choices. You can either write the wedding couple a heartfelt letter of congratulations thanking them for including you in their wedding or you can send them a gift from their bridal registry. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
Is it tacky to bring my own camera to a friend's wedding? M.B., New York City
Dear M.B.,
No, it is not tacky; however, before taking any flash photos at the reception, you need to ask either the bride or groom, if they mind if you take photos with a flash camera. Sometimes a flash will interfere with the work of the official wedding photographer. The newlyweds would most likely welcome a couple of photos with another point of view. If it's a really big wedding, you should call the wedding planner beforehand to get permission to take photos. Smartphones are in everyone's pocket or evening bag, so most wedding couples shouldn't have a problem with them because there is no flash. Just don't post drinking-related photos of the bride and groom on social media sites. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
I was invited to a formal wedding and have been told I can't come with a guest. I told the hostess that I don't like going anywhere by myself, but she says it's costing $100/person so she can't allow me to come with a guest. I said I would attend the wedding, but not the reception, and she is angry with me. What are your thoughts? Kate, Barrington
Dear Kate,
It would be a shame to miss your friend's wedding reception. Tell her you would like to come to the wedding but you don't want to accept unless she promises to seat you with people she thinks you will like. That's what a good hostess does. Seating wedding guests is a huge job because you can never please everyone, but if you ask her nicely, then she'll take special care when seating you. You might be pleasantly surprised! She could get back to you saying, "I've got just the table for you." Then try to learn who the other people at the table are by checking them out on the Internet. That way you'll have topics of conversation to share. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
If you are invited to a bridal shower, an engagement/wedding cocktail party and the wedding itself are you required to bring a gift to all three? Marybeth, Duxbury, MA
Dear Marybeth,
No, you are not required to bring a gift to all three events. Two gifts for one wedding is more than enough. Not to worry, brides and grooms understand that the more invitations, the more watered down the gifts. For the shower take a small token gift and send a wedding present from the couples' bridal registry in a timely fashion---even though you have up to a year to do so. It's the thought that went into your gift, not the number of gifts that they'll remember. As a thank-you for the cocktail party, a short note to the host within a month will suffice. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
Would it be all right for me to take my two kids ages four and six to a wedding? The wedding is out of town which means that with the expense of travel, hotel, and the wedding present, leaving my kids with a sitter would be another added huge expense. It's my husband's college buddy and he really wants us to go. Arlene, Franklin, NH
Dear Arlene,
You're not going to like this honest answer. Your husband's buddy must know he has children. If they were invited to the wedding, their names would have been included on an inside envelope or on the invitation itself. Many weddings do not have accommodations for children. When they do, that information is included with the invitation. It would be better to skimp on the cost of the wedding present and leave the kids with a sitter, than to have a miserable time at the wedding chasing around your two over-stimulated kids on a wedding-cake sugar high. Kids that age love to dance to the music, but it's you and your husband who should be kicking up your heels on the dance floor. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
Can a wedding guest wear white? Michelle, Chicago, IL
Dear Michelle,
No, you cannot wear white. The only person wearing a white dress at the wedding is the bride. It would be disrespectful to the bride and her family if you wore white to her wedding. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
We have been invited to a 5pm vineyard wedding in Newport in June but the invitation doesn't give a dress code. So how do we know what to wear? Does my husband rent a tux and I wear a long dress even though it doesn't say Black Tie? J.T., Beloit, WI
Dear J.T.,
When the wedding invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire, you can assume that the dress code is Suits & Dresses. Your husband would wear a light-weight dark suit or a blazer with either dress khakis or off-white trousers, a collared shirt and handsome tie. You would wear a knee-length cocktail dress with beautiful shoes. ~Didi
Dear Didi,
How are you supposed to wear your wedding ring & engagement ring? I was always told your band should go on the bottom, closest to your heart. C.M., Tulsa, OK
Dear C.M.,
You are correct. It is also more comfortable to have the wedding band closest to your heart. ~Didi
Didi Lorillard answers questions about wedding etiquette and dress codes on NewportManners.com or find her on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Pinterest, after you've read her earlier GoLocalProv columns listed below.
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