Modern Manners + Etiquette: Digitally Deleting Your Ex + More
Monday, January 30, 2012
Etiquette concerns at the start of the new year come from former lovers revisiting expectations and desires to executives citing employees for everything from tardiness to complaints of bad body odor. Here's a sampling from around Rhode Island.
Digital Deleting
Dear Didi,
How long should I wait before deleting digital evidence of my ex girlfriend? I don't want to hurt her feelings, even if she's hurt mine. But I don't want her name and birthday popping up on my Facebook page or have to see her status updates. Mostly I want to get rid of the temptation of looking at her Facebook page photo albums even though I don't want to be with her any longer. After a couple of drinks late at night when I'm scrolling for a contact number and see her name I either want to delete or "call" but I can't bring myself to do either. She'll know. How long should I wait? Blair, Westerly
Dear Blair,
In a perfect world, digital evidence would dissolve faster than a breath mint in your mouth to give you a fresh start. What is a dumpee to do? You've held up through the anger and sadness and moved on. Delete to cut ties? Hide her on Facebook and she'll know because her status feeds won't show up on your page. Why not defriend her so that she won't have access. As to your mobile device, next time you go for an upgrade, don't transfer your contact list. You'll feel cleansed. Then you can add just your real friends and work contacts to your new list. Likewise, get a fresh start by redoing your Facebook page with a Timeline. Did you ever think that if you deleted her from your list of Facebook friends, she might stop looking at your page? At the end of the day, it would be best to just pull away and stop sharing privileged information with her. ~Didi
Bad Body Odor
Dear Didi,
I have a really difficult etiquette problem. I work in the Human Resources department of a large company and recently I was asked to do something I'm really uncomfortable having to do. I was asked to speak to one of the employees about her bad body odor. I'm at a loss as to how to do this. Would you have some suggestions. As soon as possible, please, because my job is at stake. Thanks, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
As you know, this is a sensitive situation that has to be handled well or there could easily be legal ramifications, and that is why you need to discuss this with your boss and keep her/him in the loop. If the woman you've been assigned to is your generation, have a face to face conversation with her. Give her factual information about bromhidrosis (perspiration which has become foul-smelling because of bacterial decomposition); explain that it could also be a medical condition warranting attention; if it isn't medical, suggest that it could easily be remedied by using underarm liners (underarm shields, underarm pads, sweat guards or dress shields) to protect perspiration from drying on her skin and clothing causing bacteria--the odoriferous culprit. A swabbing of witch hazel will smother most bacteria before applying deodorant. Add that her dry cleaner could be the culprit. Dried bacteria can be extremely difficult to eliminate from the underarms of clothing.
Explain breezily that this is a common occurrence in overheated offices and happens all the time. Assure her that you want to work with her to solve the problem, if she'll let you. Chat her up about the kinds of exercise she does before and after work. Does she take any medications? If so, what for? Talk about diet. This is the kind of conversation her best friend or her partner should be having with her, not you, but since this is your job, be as friendly as you can to win her trust. Tell her you have her best interests at heart. Be gentle and graceful; the woman didn't get convicted for a Ponzi scheme. Her body could be going through natural changes such as pregnancy or menopause. When you feel she's willing to take control of the situation, tell her that you want her to know she can talk to you at any time and trust you not to discuss this with anyone but her. At that point, tell your senior advisor you've made contact, but you've had to promise confidentiality. He or she will understand.
On the other hand, if the employee is not your age and isn't someone you ever imagine talking to, disguise your handwriting and write her a sweet, gentle note saying you're concerned about her body odor and hope she will see a doctor about it. Sign it "a concerned friend." Except for your immediate superior, nobody will ever know you sent it if you don't lick the envelope and if you wear gloves while you're writing and handling the envelope, paper, and stamp. This might sound like a scene out of MI5, but both of your jobs could be jeopardized. ~Didi
Ex Etiquette
Dear Didi,
My ex and I were together for almost three years; we had a great relationship for the most part but broke up a year ago on pretty bad terms. The relationship ended due to trust issues. Recently, my ex reached out to me to let me know his grandmother passed away. We are both in new relationships now. I haven't really seen or talked to him (my choice) or had any contact with his family. The past two weeks he has called and left messages with updates of his grandmother's health conditions before she died. I had not returned any of his calls. This morning he called and left a message that his grandmother died and the info for the funeral. What should I do--go to the funeral, send a card or just ignore him. I have to move on with my life? Christine, Barrington
Dear Christine,
Sadly, your former lover yearns for your emotional comfort. But, alas, it is too late. You've moved on. As you said, you had trust issues that led you to make the choice not to see him or talk to him. Now you're wondering what to do because he's needy and trying to pull you into the drama of his grandmother's death. What's up with that?
When someone we're close to dies, our emotions become raw, we resort to prior emotional crutches for comfort. Why isn't he getting his needed comfort from his new relationship? It's not your problem! He had three years of your life. Studies show that if the relationship hasn't been solidified after a year and a half, it probably won't happen. If he didn't declare his undying love for you after a year and half, he had issues. Trust issues and commitment issues rarely get resolved. You can forgive, but forgetting is impossible. Do nothing. Give him no false illusions. Let him find comfort in the arms of his girlfriend. Focus on your current relationship. ~Didi
Postscript: In 2011, one of my favorite relationship studies was of 2,500 men and women (by Men's Health Magazine). It found that 60% of all women rate good manners in a man as one of the traits that makes him most attractive. Furthermore, 12% of all women think a man with bad manners will be bad in bed.
Didi Lorillard researches etiquette trends at NewportManners.com. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, after reading earlier GoLocalProv columns listed below.
For more Lifestyle coverage, don't miss GoLocalTV, fresh every day at 4pm and on demand 24/7, here.
Related Articles
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Cellphone Crimes
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Bridezilla
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Bystander Behavior
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Cheating
- Modern Manners + Etiquette: Multitasking