Modern Etiquette + Manners: How to Tell Someone Something Unpleasant About Him/Herself
Monday, March 07, 2011
It's excruciatingly painful to have to tell someone something unpleasant about her/himself, so why bother? You bother when you care about the person; you bother because you have to deal with this person on a daily basis either in the working world, the locker room, the cafeteria, the gym, or the bedroom. You bother because it annoys the hell of you and you want them to stop—for their own good!
One of the great annoyances on the radar: "public displays of technology," as coined by Intel in a recent survey. The three leading offenses from the report? Talking on a mobile phone while driving; talking loudly on a mobile phone in a public space; and talking while walking.
What qualifies: the unpleasant things that you have a right as a partner, child, parent, friend, teacher, coach, teammate, schoolmate, employer, or coworker to tell him/her.
29 Issues Worth Bringing Up
They are being cheated on
They have bad breath
They have body odor
They are wrong about ...
They have no concept of how to dress
They have to stop calling you every day
They have to stop e-mailing or texting you ALL the time
They have to stop referring to you as “you guys,” when you're a woman
They have to, please, listen to what you are saying
They have to stop eating stinky food in the office
You're just not into him
You just want to be friends
You aren't going to marry her
They might have bed bugs
They might have herpes
They aren't going to get the job
They need to learn to say, “I'm sorry”
They need to say “please” and “thank you”
They need to share the conversation 50/50
They have a problem with alcohol
Their clothing and hair wreak of cigarette smoke
They talk too loudly
They always interrupt
They have to stop criticizing you
They should be loyal and not gossip about you
They can't leave you at the table/bar/party while they go check messages
They don't remember people's names
They snore
How to tell someone something unpleasant about him/herself
It is easiest if you are part of a couple, or, say, two of her best friends, because you can play good cop, bad cop. Not so easy when you feel you need to gently criticize him right now, or loose it at a wrong and painful time—in front of others in a public place.
We're not talking here about salad between the teeth, blowing his nose at the table, or the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up; we're talking about possibly deeply hurting someone's feelings, about damaging their self-esteem resulting in either an end to the relationship, a dramatic outburst, or a punch in the nose. Nobody's going to give you a bear hug for telling her that she wreaks of tobacco—because she already knows that.
The Oreo Cookie solution
The gentle and truly sweet way to go, is to use the Oreo cookie recipe. You preface revealing the ugly with a compliment and end up saying something kind. “You are so beautiful, people stare at you when you enter the room—but you dress as though you're still in high school—you would look really great if you suited-up in a classic, dark pantsuit with an open collared white shirt. Your boss would have to give you a raise!”
Whether you're this woman's colleague, mother, or best friend, telling a 29-year-old who's looking for a better job that it's time to suit-up can only be a good thing. It is not an assault on her character. We all know that criticism can destroy a relationship.
Working with employees
It gets dicey when clients snipe about an employee's lack of manners and soft skills—EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). The gentle way to get your point across it to subtly mention to your employee the importance of using soft skills with clients three different times over a brief period of time. No improvement? In a private one-on-one conversation, suggest to the employee that he could benefit from soft skills training. Just raising the issue of professional help should do the trick.
If he doesn't, remind him that you've warned him three times—-cite all three specific instances, if you have to—-about his lack of social skills; say that you're sorry, but you'll have to let him go. If he is so arrogant that he thinks he can get by on his brilliance alone, he shouldn't be working with your clients. A truly good employer would offer to have the company cover the cost for a truly good employee to get coaching.
Give those close to you permission to be honest with you
My personal experience in managing unpleasant accusations is to take the bull by the horns and say to my BFF, “I hope that we're good enough friends so that you can tell me anything about myself that you think I should know.” He might not tell you then and there that you were very wrong about a certain issue, but he'll let you know—-later.
Didi Lorillard has answered hundreds of questions from concerned friends, colleagues, and family members about how to tell someone—they care about—something unpleasant about him/herself. Ask Didi questions at www.NewportManners.com or follow her on Twitter, and "Like" her on Facebook and LinkedIn—after you've read her previous columns on www.golocalprov.com.
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