Dear John: Will Absence Make Her Heart Grow Fonder? Doesn’t Sound Like It
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
I am a college student (male) about to leave for a semester abroad that may very well turn into both semesters. I knew my girlfriend was anxious about this, but I tried to reassure her that now it’s easy to stay close with skype, etc. – not ideal, I know, but better than the millions of other couples who’ve gone through temporary separations like this had it. But she just surprised me by saying she wants us both to feel free to see other people while I’m away. She insists it’s not “breaking up” and that we’ll be back together when I’m back, but she says “unless something happens” – what kind of reassurance is that! She says if our relationship is strong enough and was meant to be that it will be even stronger when we’re back together, but here’s the thing. I just don’t want to see anyone else. I want to be with her! She keeps telling me to look at it as a positive and that we’ll still skype and stay in touch and everything, but if the opportunity presents itself, we should at least be open to going out with other people because I’m going to be away for a long time. What she says makes sense, but I keep going back to my initial reaction: when people are in love they don’t WANT to date anyone else. I can’t help but feel this is the beginning of the end for us. What do you think?
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Apart For Good?
Dear Apart For Good?,
In general, I agree with you: no matter the circumstances, “let’s see other people” is not a sign that a relationship is on solid footing. It sounds to me like your girlfriend is trying to break up with you very, very gently – or at least using your impending departure as the first step in the process. She sounds pretty set on having it this way, though, so what can you do? Even if you tried to pry a different set of conditions out of her mouth, you can’t really lodge them in her heart. Ultimately, you have to do what she’s suggesting: go wherever you’re going, stay open to the many new experiences being in a different country for an extended time has to offer, and see where things stand when you get back.
Dear John,
From one middle-aged guy living in Providence to another, where can I meet women? I'm divorced with 2 kids that I have joint custody of. I'm a professional, with a good job, I own my home on the East Side, I have a car, I'm not bad looking, and some women say I have a good sense of humor and can make them laugh. I've even started to become a good cook.
I would never say I was great with women, but in my 20s and 30s I could get dates. Since ending my last long relationship and now being in my 40s, I am completely striking out. I've even been stood up twice which never happened to me before.
Has something changed in the last 5 years since the last time I was on the market? Is there like a new datefax service women are using to screen me out? Have all the women my age suddenly become cougars? Or are all the good ones just married? Am I going to have to get all biblical and kill one of my friends to get his wife? I'm so willing to do this if necessary; there are some great married women out there who are probably not appreciated by their husbands.
Part of me is afraid I'm just setting too high a standard, but at the same time, I am looking for something long-term, so I really don't want to settle for anything less than the best. What does a middle-aged guy have to do to find an intelligent, attractive, 40-something woman?
I probably should mention that I don't want any more kids. Having more kids with someone new seems like cheating on your kids to me, but that is probably a whole nother letter.
Signed,
Striking Out In Providence
Dear Striking Out,
Everything I hear and read about middle-aged dating has the roles in your letter reversed: women complain about being unable to find men interested in dating people their own age. So unless your letter omits some important information, I have to think you have been the victim of some bad luck.
Have you enlisted your friends to help in your search? If not, you should. Let them know you’re interested in meeting any of their friends they think you’d be a good match for. (If they seem reluctant to do this, ask them why. The answer may be telling.)
And then there’s the most common way people meet now: online dating. Have you tried that? Your letter doesn’t mention it, and these days, that’s odd in and of itself. If you’re opposed to it for some reason, that’s your choice…but you’re drastically reducing your possibilities.
Beyond those two ideas, I’d say the same advice holds true that was true when you were much younger: don’t push too hard, be open to new experiences and the people you meet in the process, and when you least expect it, that’s when it will happen.
Dear John,
I work for a very small company. In our office there’s just a handful of us. My problem is that my boss, who is also everybody else’s boss since there are so few of us, brings his large dog into work quite often, and I am extremely afraid of dogs, especially this kind – a Husky. He laughs my fears off and shows me how gentle she is, but every time that dog looks at me, I feel like it’s getting ready to lunge. On those days, I just try to find someplace off by myself to work, but that’s no good because we all share a common area and we have to collaborate on things. I love this job and my co-workers, but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep doing it if this dog is around as much as she’s been. My boss isn’t the most approachable guy. How can I get him to take this more seriously? I feel like writing to you is a last resort.
Sincerely,
Afraid
Dear Afraid,
It’s not a good idea for your boss to be bringing his dog into work. No matter how small your company is, I’m sure it has insurance, and having dogs in the office may well raise liability issues that violate the terms of your company’s insurance policy. You have to make sure you’re on record somewhere as having expressed your concerns about this situation. Email whoever handles human resources for your company – even if it’s the guy who’s bringing his dog to work. Then talk with him in person. He already knows you’re afraid of his dog, so present the issue as one of productivity: explain that you’re simply not able to do your job to the best of your ability when you have to worry about running into his dog every time you turn a corner. Usually, a small business like the one you work for can’t afford to have a single person working at less than full capacity, so hopefully framing it this way will get him to take your concerns seriously. If that conversation doesn’t change anything, though, you may have to decide whether it’s worth it to you to take your complaints either higher up in this company (assuming there is a “higher up”) or to the governmental agency in charge of workplace conditions in your state.
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
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