Dear John: Three’s a Crowd. Especially In Bed.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

John Simpson, GoLocalProv Advice Columnist

What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].

Dear John,
 
My boyfriend wants me to do something I’m ambivalent about: sleep with him and another guy. It’s not quite how it sounds – the “other guy” is a friend of his, and in fact, I dated him briefly a couple of years ago. It was so unserious (although it was sexual), that to say we broke up makes it sound like there was more there than there was. Anyway, we’re all friends, we all get along great, I like them both, find them both attractive, etc., and my boyfriend really wants to try this out. When I ask him why it’s so important to him, he doesn’t have a reason except that the idea of it is “really hot.” I’m not opposed to it exactly; I’m just not very excited about it. To be honest, and he knows this, the thought of three people having sex together just seems like one too many to me, simple as that. His feeling is that he really wants to do this and I only kind of DON’T want to, so I should go along with it because he wants it a lot more than I don’t want it. Like the intensity of his feelings compared to mine should be the deciding factor. I know it would make him happy and I do want to do it for him, but I don’t know. I’ve been close to saying okay a couple of times because I’m tired of talking about it. What do you think?
 
Sincerely,
On The Fence

Dear On The Fence,
 
I think you should only do this if you really, really want to. You definitely shouldn’t be brow beaten or pestered into it, and if that’s what your boyfriend is doing, that is a very alarming indicator of where his priorities lie. Tell him that for now, the answer is no, but if at any time in the future you find yourself more enthusiastic about the idea, you’ll let him know. If he doesn’t drop it, he’s hopelessly selfish, and it’s time to drop him.
 
 
Dear John,
 
My boyfriend is a bit of a stoner. I’m not. I don’t have anything in particular against pot; I just don’t like it. It’s not for me. Problem is, my boyfriend wants to get high for just about everything we do. Going to a movie? He gets stoned. Seeing a band? He gets stoned. Going on a hike or out kayaking? You guessed it. It’s not that he’s so different when he’s high or that I don’t like how it makes him act. It’s actually fairly subtle, and if you didn’t know him, you wouldn’t think, “This guy’s wasted!” But there IS a difference. He’s just not the same. I recently asked him if he could just get high with his buddies and stay straight for our dates, but he didn’t like that idea. He claims he just enjoys everything a lot more when he’s a little high. I’m afraid he’ll just end up doing it anyway and trying to hide it, and that would be even worse. How can we find some middle ground on this?
 
Signed,
He’s High, I’m Low

Dear He’s High, I’m Low,
 
Perhaps you could propose that he limit his smoking to times when you’re doing something that doesn’t involve a lot of interaction, like watching a movie or seeing a concert. By the time the entertainment’s over, I would think his high would be, too. On the other hand, if you’re going on a date that does offer the possibility for conversation, like going to dinner or on a hike, he should defer hitting the pipe until you’re no longer together. This seems like a very reasonable middle ground to me, and if an arrangement like that is still unacceptable to him, I think you’re going out with someone who finds pot just a little bit more irresistible than he finds you.
 
 
Dear John,
 
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants to get back together with me. This is something I’ve been hoping would happen for a long time. I’m really thrilled. The problem? After we broke up, I dated someone for a while I know she can’t stand. I don’t know what to do. I feel like if she found this out, it would be a deal breaker, but if she doesn’t find out, I’m always going to be afraid she will. What should I do?
 
Sincerely,
Worried Either Way

Dear Worried,
 
I think you should tell her, not because you did anything wrong or you owe her an explanation, but simply because you don’t need that hanging over your head as you give this a go for the second time. You needn’t do it right away, but when you’re back together, I would bring it up as soon as it feels like the right thing to do. But like I said, you don’t owe her any kind of justification for whom you dated while the two of you were broken up. If learning this is a deal breaker for her as you say, I think once with her was probably enough anyway.

John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].

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Editor's Note: This article was originally published on May 30, 2012.

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