Best of Dear John: Size Matters, Nanny Lust + More
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
This week, because John Simpson is away on vacation, a special edition of Dear John features 3 top letters. See if your favorite made the list.
Dear John,
I have been dating a guy who I really like. He’s funny, considerate, secure, and we have very similar outlooks on life. Everything would be great except for one thing, and I feel bad even saying it: his penis is a size I didn’t even know they came in. He is, let’s say, minimally endowed. So far, sex has been more frustrating than enjoyable, and it’s a problem that’s difficult to talk about because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s at the point where I think this may permanently undermine our relationship. But is that fair to him? And me? Is it possible to have a fulfilling, loving relationship when something so basic is missing?
Sincerely,
Wants More
To answer your main, question, yes, it’s definitely possible. But it requires a frank, possibly mildly uncomfortable conversation with your boyfriend, and there’s no getting around that. Think of the contradiction here: you don’t want to have this discussion for fear of hurting his feelings, yet you’re willing to dump him, presumably without an honest explanation. Which will hurt his feelings more, do you think?
It sounds like it’s fair to say that if he had an average-sized penis, you would envision a bright future for the two of you, right? If so, and all that’s missing for this to be great is a satisfying sexual relationship, then you can absolutely make this work. Talk with him about it. (If he has Internet access, there’s a nearly 100% chance he knows full well how small his penis is, so it’s not like you’re breaking anything to him.) Tell him you and he are going to embark on an exciting series of experiments to explore the many ways a couple can reach sexual fulfillment. His penis needn’t feel left out, but it will have to get used to sharing the spotlight with a range of other body parts, and possibly with some accessories as well. Handled with a sense of open-mindedness and curiosity, I think this could be quite enjoyable.
Dear John,
First, let me say that I am happily married. My wife and I have a great son and daughter. Everything’s fine except I have developed a crush on our nanny! At first I dismissed these feelings, but if anything, they have grown stronger. She’s a sweet, very smart college student, and she’s fantastic with our kids, who are crazy about her. I have never cheated on my wife, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone else since we’ve been married. I know the best thing would be for us to find a new nanny, but I haven’t a clue how to propose this with something resembling a plausible explanation. Any ideas?
Smitten
Dear Smitten,
Not really. None to help you get rid of your nanny, anyway, because I don’t think that’s your best course of action.
I assume you and your wife (or more likely, just your wife) put a lot of time and effort into finding someone trustworthy and kind to spend time with your kids. Then you brought her into their lives and allowed them to become attached to her. And now you want to disrupt her life, disappoint your kids, and start your search all over again because you’ve developed a “crush” on her?
Please keep a little perspective here: you found someone you can trust to take care of your kids. Do not take that for granted or discard it lightly. Not having to worry about their care – or far worse, not having to deal with the aftermath of someone unworthy of your trust – is of tremendous value.
So you’ve developed a crush on her. Get a grip. It will pass, as these things always do when they’re allowed to. In the meantime, keep it to yourself and don’t do anything stupid. This isn’t a problem yet. Don’t make it one.
Dear John,
I recently stayed for the weekend at the summer house of one of my best friends and her husband. I’ve stayed with them there before and we always have a great time. Very comfortable and relaxed.
This last time was a different story, though: I accidentally walked in on my friend’s husband masturbating in the bathroom! This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me in my life, and I assume the same goes for him. I screamed; he doubled over; and I dashed back out and slammed the door.
Neither one of us said anything about it, and I don’t know what I would say even if I wanted to. I just tried to avoid seeing him for the rest of the day until it was time to leave. The goodbye was extremely awkward, though. I’m very shy and am not the kind of person who can just laugh something like this off – I blush during sex scenes in movies! I feel like I do have to address this, though. My friend is already talking about having me for another visit, and the thought of this hanging in the air between all of us is too much to bear! But what should I say?
Sincerely,
Accidental Audience
Dear Accidental Audience,
I think this is one of those things that has grown way out of proportion as you’ve dwelled on it. Yes, what happened was undeniably embarrassing for both of you, but really, it’s not that big a deal. I think the entire episode would be put to rest if the two of you acknowledged it with whatever good humor you can muster. It’s the avoidance of it, as if it’s something so dark and shameful, that’s making this a bigger deal than it has any right to be.
Accept your friend’s invitation. When you have an opportune moment alone with her husband, tell him you hope acknowledging the bathroom incident will rid your visit of any lingering embarrassment and anxiety. Maybe buying him a simple hook-and-eye lock will help lighten the mood. If you find the prospect of saying something to him to be too daunting, write down what you want to say, practice it a few times, and force yourself to blurt it out. As soon as it’s out there, it will become easier to talk about. And then it will become easier to forget about.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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