Dear John: Marital Aid Is Anything But
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Is it because no one at home listens to all his good advice? Maybe. But lucky for you, he's here, he's ready to advise, and all you need to do is ask. Which you can do by writing to [email protected].
Dear John,
I'm a happily married, middle-aged woman, and I'm addicted to my, um, sex toy. It was given to me on my 50th birthday six months ago as a gag gift by one of my girlfriends, but now I can't live without it.
Here's the thing: my husband doesn't know I have it, much less use it, when he's not home. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, I sneak it to work, and I admit I've snuck into the bathroom more than a few times in the night. I probably use it 4-6 times a day. It's better than a latte, and it's free!
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLAST
I know that women pleasuring themselves is healthy, but am I developing a problem, here? I feel bad about the secrecy, but I like having this to myself.
Signed,
Secret Pleasures
Dear Secret,
Well, if “women pleasuring themselves is healthy,” you may be the first person to see her 130th birthday.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with masturbation; anyone who believes it’s a moral issue is reading the wrong advice column. But your problem isn’t really about masturbation; it’s about compulsive behavior that is probably undermining your marriage. You say that you’re happily married, but your furtiveness about your sexuality is not really consistent with that. A happily married couple might greet that gift with a laugh or they might make a beeline for the bedroom (or the den!), but the recipient wouldn’t be so adamant about keeping it a secret. I guess my main concern is that this toy has become a substitute for a healthy sexual relationship with your husband. I find it hard to believe that you’re using it “4-6 times a day” without cutting into your intimate time together, so your marital aid is anything but.
I think you would benefit from therapy to explore ways to derive more satisfaction from sex with your husband. It’s fine to go it alone occasionally, with emphasis on occasionally. On behalf of all men everywhere, I hope you can channel some of that energy into activities your husband can enjoy, too.
Dear John,
Each day on the commuter train a woman gets on engaged in a high decibel phone conversation (with some poor soul). She is kind enough to share her conversations with the rest of the train. Her boss was mean to her. Her kids don’t listen. Her weekend plans. I know way too much about this woman. My question to you, is it ok to shush on a crowded commuter train? I’ve tried the raised eyebrows and somewhat stern looks in her direction...but to no avail. I’ve even boarded onto a different train car but she gets on a stop after me and miraculously seems to find where I am sitting. I’m feeling a little jinxed here.
Signed,
Not a Shusher But Willing to Shush
Dear Shusher,
It is most assuredly okay to shush on a crowded commuter train. But I wouldn’t expect someone who’s acting rudely to greet your shush with anything but more rudeness.
As an often-irritated train commuter myself, I have developed a litmus test for determining if my near-constant annoyance is reasonable: if someone is having the same kind of conversation she would have with a seatmate, then that’s fine. But if the phone causes her to raise her voice, bray with loud, obnoxious laughter, or otherwise subject me to more than a conversational decibel level, it’s perfectly fair to complain to her or the conductor. The problem is both of those avenues have a very low likelihood of making an impact.
At that point, I think you have to chalk this up to the escalating din of modern life, buy a pair of headphones, and be grateful this boring yapper is at least off the road.
Dear John,
My brother is ten years younger than I am, and has never really lived up to his potential. When my mother was still alive, she always wanted me to supplement his monthly salary with a check, and even asked me to introduce him to some of my friends for job opportunities. I always did it so my mother didn't worry, but it has been 7 years since she passed away, and my brother is still coming around every month for a check. Although I can still afford it, it has gotten a lot tougher since my company is not doing very well in this economy and my daughter is going to college this fall. How can I help my brother grow up and take responsibility for his own life without dishonoring my mother's love and affection for the both of us?
Sincerely,
Struggling Sibling
Dear Sibling,
The only way you can help your brother take responsibility for his own life is to stop doing things that help him avoid taking responsibility for his own life. You have been extraordinarily generous and your motives have been good, but it was a mistake to put your brother on your household’s payroll. The next time he comes for his check, tell him it’s the last one he’s getting from you, and stick to that without fail or remorse. Your brother is taking advantage of you and draining your household of resources that should be for you and your immediately family. It’s one thing to help someone in a time of need; it’s quite another to enable someone’s sloth indefinitely. What will he do? That’s a question only some level of desperation will help him answer.
By doing this, you’re not dishonoring your mother’s love. Your mother had good intentions and a bad plan. Forcing your brother to grow up and take care of himself is the best way to honor her memory.
You know you've got a problem. And you need some solid advice. Send it off today to [email protected] . Make it interesting enough and he'll probably write back. In front of a million of your closest friends.
Related Articles
- Dear John: Big Love
- Dear John: Mending Fences
- Dear John: Love Poem Too Little, Too Late
- Dear John: A Colleague Crush
- Dear John: Diary of a Wimpy Parent
- Dear John: An Ill-Advised Office Romance (Aren’t They All?)
