Dear John: Lonely Sister-In-Law Wants To Be Best Friends, Too
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
My sister-in-law moved to the area just a little while ago and since my husband and I are the only people she knows here, I have become her unofficial best friend. In her mind, anyway. The problem is, I’m just not interested in socializing with her that much. We’re very, very different in just about every way – what we like to do, where we like to go, our political beliefs, just about everything. But she’s my husband’s sister and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she’s very social, so when she calls up to arrange a night out, it’s not as easy as saying I’m busy that night because she’ll just propose another one. And more than once, when she learned through Facebook that I was at a particular bar or restaurant with my friends, she has shown up unannounced, which was uncomfortable all around. I just don’t know what to do to get her to back off without hurting her feelings. I don’t mind going out with her once in a while, but weekly is way too much, and I don’t want to have to feel like I have to hide when I’m out with my other friends for fear that she’ll discover what I’m up to. How can I gently get her to give me more space without causing offense? It seems like all of my husband’s in-laws are so thin-skinned and somebody’s always in a tiff because of who said what to who. I’m sick of even having to worry about it!
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTSincerely,
Sister-In-Law Only
Dear Sister-In-Law Only,
If she’s still new to your area, she probably just needs a little time to get established and find some friends of her own. You could speed that process along by inviting her to your house with some others you think she might hit it off with and try to jump start her social life for her.
Where’s your husband in all this? What does he say? She is his sister, and while it’s understandable that she would gravitate toward social outings with you and your friends, he could step in to take her out to dinner or lunch occasionally.
If you find you’re still not getting the space you need, it’s okay to tell her that you understand she’s in a new city and it’s exciting and she wants to go out a lot, but you’re different and you just want to stay in with your husband more often than not. Of course you don’t want to hurt her feelings, and family members are given a little more accommodation than we’d give others, but that doesn’t mean you have no say in this. Give her some idea of what you would consider a reasonable amount of socializing with her, then stick to it. I really do think this problem will solve itself in time, especially considering that she’s so sociable.
Finally, if you don’t want to tense up every time the restaurant door opens when you’re having dinner with friends, you might want to wait until you’re home to post the night’s selfies on Facebook.
Dear John,
I have a real ethical dilemma on my hands. My husband and I have friends (not close) with a dog they mistreat. Maybe it’s like spanking kids and people have very different opinions based on how old they are or what kind of family they were brought up in as to what’s appropriate. And maybe to some people it’s okay to beat a dog with a newspaper or a belt, but to me, that’s animal abuse and I won’t stand for it. We’re not close friends with these people, but the last time we were there, the husband hit this poor dog so hard, repeatedly, that I almost threw up. Seriously. We had to make an excuse to leave shortly afterwards, and I looked sick enough to make our excuse believable. And this family has young kids, to boot.
I can’t just let this go. I feel like I have to do something to help this poor, defenseless animal. I don’t want to call an animal welfare organization. I’m afraid someone will investigate, things will seem fine, then the animal will bear the brunt of this guy’s anger. Here’s what I really want to do and what I am specifically writing about. I know they let this dog out to run free all the time (they live in a rural area where this is not as uncommon as it sounds) because more than once I have driven by and seen it out roaming around. I have decided the next time I see this dog out, I’m going to open the car door, let it in and drive off. And that will be that. I’ll keep it and just let our minor friendship peter out. I want to rescue it from its miserable existence and give it the loving home it deserves. He’s such a nice, gentle dog. This started as an idle thought, but the more I have thought about it, the more I think, why not? My husband doesn’t think it’s a great idea, although he hasn’t said absolutely not, which is more than I expected and which shows you how bad off this dog is. Can you think of another way to handle this, though, short of taking this drastic step? I’m open to anything that will end the abuse this poor dog is subjected to. My plan was just the only sure-fire solution I could think of.
Signed,
Heartsick
Dear Heartsick,
That’s a terribly sad story, and I think you’re to be commended for not looking the other way.
The first thing I would do is the simplest: call this couple, tell them you got the impression the last time you visited that the dog was a source of frustration for them, and tell them you’d like to offer to take it off their hands. It’s impossible to predict how they will react – it could range from relieved to angry at your presumption – but you don’t value their friendship, so it would certainly be worth a try.
If that fails, I wouldn’t be so quick to assume the local humane society can’t help somehow. Why don’t you start by calling them and getting their take on the problem in general terms? You don’t have to report these people specifically, but ask what would happen if you did report them. Tell them the dog is allowed to roam loose – from a legal standpoint, does that make the dog “fair game” for you to “rescue”? If the dog were picked up by animal control while it was loose, does that change your options? If no one claimed it, could you? I have no idea what the answer is to any of these questions, but it’s worth discussing them with someone who does. I think he or she will be able to give you alternatives that will satisfy your desire to ensure this animal’s safety and wellbeing without going so far as to steal it.
Dear John,
I have made such a big mistake. I was with a guy for a while and everything was great, but I definitely took it for granted. I don’t know why. But I met another guy kind of out of the blue at a party and there was something there immediately. He struck up a conversation and before a minute into it, I was thinking “Uh-oh.” We just clicked – he looked amazing, but it wasn’t just that. He just had this way about him I was really, really attracted to. Irresistibly, almost. Nothing happened that night, but he got in touch with me and even though I told him I had a boyfriend, he was really persistent and we ended up getting together and I broke up with the guy I was seeing. And it was a huge mistake. I lasted about a month with the new guy, who was the kind of guy who loves the chase but gets bored fast. And experiencing that made me see guy #1, who is the opposite of the second guy in every way, in a whole new light and I appreciate the kind of guy he is now more than I ever did when we were together. But when I told him all that and asked him to please, please forgive me and just think about getting back together, he just laughed and said I had my chance and he wasn’t going to be in a position of getting hurt so badly by me a second time. But that wouldn’t happen again. I told you I took our relationship for granted but this was exactly what I needed to see how precious it really was. I know it would be different and all I want is a chance to prove it. I’ll do anything to get that chance. But what? When you’ve broken someone’s trust and really hurt someone, how do you get that back? How can I let him know I’ve changed?
Sincerely,
Second Thoughts
Dear Second Thoughts,
Here’s what you should do: tell him once more what you’ve written here. Then tell him if he is ever willing to give you a second chance, to give you a call. That’s it. Will that earn his trust back? Unlikely. But it’s what you should do because it’s all you can do.
You did a lousy thing – an untrustworthy thing. And you can’t undo it, no matter how badly you want to. You can’t just dump someone for someone else, decide you made a mistake, and expect the dumpee to be happy to pick up where you left off. Maybe he’ll give you another chance; maybe he won’t. If it’s the former, no one would blame him. The only thing you can do is to remember this lesson the next time you’re in a relationship. Losing someone’s trust is infinitely easier than winning it back.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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