Dear John: Big Love
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Is it because no one at home listens to all his good advice? Maybe. But lucky for you, he's here, he's ready to advise, and all you need to do is ask.
Dear John,
I work with a guy that I’ve become great friends with. We like a lot of the same things and he’s really funny. A few days ago, he asked me out. So far, so good, right? Wrong. The problem is as much as I like him, I’m just not attracted to him dating-wise. Why? Because he’s really heavy. I feel so bad even writing that, but it’s the truth. Should I tell him why I’m not interested? I feel like if he lost weight, he would just be better off and maybe I’d feel differently about him. I really don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Signed,
Maybe If There Were Less of Him
Dear Maybe,
I’m sure you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you’re going to. It really can’t be avoided. However, you can avoid hurting them more than you have to.
He asked you out as he is. He didn’t ask you out subject to the condition that he complete a regimen of self-improvement before the actual date. If he’s overweight, I promise you he’s aware of it, so what is he supposed to do with your helpful observation that he could afford to lose a few pounds?
Accept him as he is, or reject him as he is. That’s your choice. (And by the way, don’t be too hard on yourself for choosing the latter. You’re not attracted to him. That’s okay.)
As an aside, let me add that beyond the points raised in your letter, I think it’s usually a bad idea to date people you work with.
Dear John,
What is up with all the people I can’t stand who want to be friends with me on Facebook? I wasn’t friends with them in school, usually because they were such jerks, so what makes us friends now?
Sincerely,
Enemy
Dear Enemy,
Facebook has done us the enormous service of doing away with the requirement of actually liking someone in order to be friends, thereby widening all of our social circles considerably.
I don’t know if these people are actively extending an olive branch to you or if your name simply seems vaguely familiar to them. Either way, if you are unreceptive to their overtures, simply click “ignore.”
And if I may say so, your letter sounds just a little bit bitter. Of course you don’t have to be friends with these people, but life is too short to let their Facebook invitations irritate you so much.
Dear John,
I have a good friend that I mostly get together with one-on-one, but occasionally we’ll get together with our husbands. Without getting into specifics, suffice it to say that my friend’s husband has some strongly felt political views that neither my husband nor I share, and he turns every get-together into a debate that has the feel of being a lecture – definitely not a stimulating exchange of ideas, but more a list of reasons why our beliefs are slowly destroying the country. Is there a way to make these get-togethers more enjoyable (he’s not a bad guy until he gets going), or should we just stop going out as couples?
Sincerely,
Can We Talk About Something Else?
Dear Something Else,
I know people like this and I can’t help but wonder what they expect to come of their harangues. Does this guy think you and your husband will suddenly see how many of society’s ills can be directly traced to you and your possibly evil beliefs? Does he envision a day when you will thank him for bullying you into enlightenment?
I’m not sure why, but people today seem thoroughly ill-equipped to agree to disagree. We are losing the notion that sincere, thoughtful people can have drastically divergent views without having their morals or motivations questioned. It’s a shame.
The next time this guy starts to get wound up, you mustn’t take the bait. Explain to him that you’re well aware there are differences of opinion in your group and it’s tedious to rehash them yet again. Then change the subject. When he persists – and he undoubtedly will at first – refuse to engage. People like this enjoy knocking you off balance, and the best counter is to simply not participate.
Hopefully, he will let up when you deny him the satisfaction of being so thoroughly right. But don’t count on it. If he keeps it up, by all means tell your friend that going out as couples isn’t exactly a blast, and maybe it’s better to give your husbands a quiet night at home when the two of you go out.
You know you've got a problem. And you need some solid advice. Send it off today to [email protected] . Make it interesting enough and he'll probably write back. In front of a million of your closest friends.
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