Dear John: An Ill-Advised Office Romance (Aren’t They All?)
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
I'm married to a great guy for a lot of years but I've fallen in love with someone I work with. He's several years younger than me and lives with a longtime girlfriend. It gets worse: he recently got engaged. Yet, he seems to love me too, the sex is fantastic but it's kind of hopeless. Or is it?
Signed,
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Dear Midlife,
It’s not hopeless for him: he gets to have fantastic sex with someone whose judgment is so wobbly, she can’t see this situation for what it is. For you, though, yes, it’s hopeless if you’re hoping to end up with your co-worker. (A shame because a man who has sex with a married woman while being engaged to someone else sounds like such a catch!) He chose his now-fiancé over you. If you’ve been “married to a great guy for a lot of years,” you need help understanding why you would do something so destructive to your marriage and hurtful to your husband. Couples and individual therapy for you is not just a good idea; it’s essential.
Dear John,
I seem to be surrounded by people in my life who don't let me get more than two consecutive sentences out during a conversation. Even if they ask me something about me, what I am doing lately, or something personal, two sentences is the maximum. If I start a topic, they don't respond, or go off on a monologue bender. Should I tell these people they don't know how to have a conversation, or should I just shut up and listen and be glad they want to be with me?
Signed,
Dictus Interruptus
Dear Dictus,
I don’t think your problem is what you think it is, and I don’t think your options are as limited as the two you end your letter with. The former will accomplish nothing, but the latter is interesting: should you “be glad they want to be with me?” I don’t think a reasonably well-adjusted person would be thankful for the attention of narcissistic bores. And yet you say you are “surrounded” by such people. So my question to you is, what are you doing to attract people who are thoughtless, rude, and self-centered; why are you doing it; and why on earth are you willing to settle for the company of such people? Is there one person in your life you can have a genuine two-way conversation with? If so, I would discuss this with her (or him). See if she can help you identify what signals you’re sending out that amount to saying, “Hey, want someone who will politely listen to you blather on and on about your boring self for however long you care to? I’m right here!” And the next time (and every time thereafter) you realize you’re on the receiving end of one of these deadly monologues, politely interrupt the speaker, go freshen your drink, and try to find someone who likes to listen as much as he likes to speak.
Dear John,
My brother is on his deathbed. Due to his constant disrespect, abuse, and untrustworthy behavior, I let him go a long time ago, forgiving him but not wanting him in my life again. Should I go see him? And if he dies, should I go to his funeral?
Signed,
Abel
Dear Abel,
What do you want to do--really? You must have a gut feeling about which of these courses you want to take. I find that usually when people ask this question, what they are really asking is, “This is what I want to do – is that okay?” And yes, if it’s what you want to do, it is okay. If you feel like you want to see your brother because you will never have another chance to, then go ahead. If he is unreceptive, you can always leave knowing you tried. But if you feel like you have an obligation to visit him though you really don’t want to, I can assure you you’re under no such obligation. No one is obliged to seek out people who were relentlessly cruel to them, dying or not, relative or not.
You owe your brother nothing. And you owe yourself the same thing he owed you and failed to give: love and respect.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
Editor's Note: This article was originally published on May 18, 2010.
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