Dear John: Beach Wear Barely There
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
I’ve been seeing a great woman for a few months now. We were introduced by mutual friends at Christmas, so this is our first summer together. She’s really smart, funny, super easy to be around, and, to be honest smoking hot and really into physical fitness. Great, right? The thing is, we both love going to the beach – or, to be more accurate, I used to love it! The problem is that my girlfriend wears bikinis that are basically three half-dollar-size pieces of cloth. Honestly, when we’re at the beach, she causes a scene wherever she goes. I have expected her to be asked to cover up by the beach police! I’m sure she’s aware of the effect she has, although she doesn’t acknowledge it and we haven’t talked about it, and I’m glad she’s so comfortable with her body. I’m kind of an introvert, though, and I hate calling attention to myself. It really makes me cringe. I know it’s not really cool to ask someone to change a style of dress that they’re happy with, so do I just keep this to myself? Or is it okay to bring this up if I acknowledge that I’m the one with the problem here, but I’d enjoy going to the beach more if she was just a little less exposed. Really, a “normal” small bikini would be a major improvement! And I truly believe that if the roles were reversed, I would be happy to do something that would make her more comfortable. What do you think?
Signed,
Not Grinning Over Baring It
Dear Not Grinning,
Of all the letters I’ve received since I started writing this column, I nominate yours for the “problem most people wish they had” award. This is one of those situations where neither of you is wrong in any objective sense; there just isn’t any overlap in what the two of you are okay with. Your girlfriend is extremely comfortable with exposing a lot of her body in a perfectly appropriate setting, and you don’t like calling attention to yourself. Not a lot of common ground there.
I am wholeheartedly in favor of couples discussing whatever’s on their minds, but “discussing” is not a euphemism for “convincing her to do what you want.” If this is something that’s bothering you, of course you should talk about it, but in a spirit of admitting your insecurities and vulnerabilities. It should absolutely not have even a hint of “Do you have to dress that way at the beach?” to it. Talk to her without any expectations as to the outcome and see where the conversation goes. But if this is the way she most enjoys the beach, you’re going to have to change into an attitude you may find a little less comfortable.
Dear John,
Greetings from New York State! As you probably know, we recently passed a gay marriage law. As a gay man, I’m hypothetically proud and thrilled – but in practical terms, I think I’m in trouble!
I have been in a relationship for five years. I love my partner, and thoroughly enjoy the life we’ve created together. He has talked many times about wanting to get married, wishing to get married, etc., and I always said whatever was the encouraging and supportive thing to say in agreement. We couldn’t get married, so the whole question was moot. I was just going along with him to be a good partner.
But I don’t want to get married. I never have wanted to get married. My parents’ marriage was an utter disaster, and yet the strong religious beliefs they shared (probably the only thing they ever agreed on!) bound them together like a heavy chain. In my mind, I have equated marriage with self-destructive dysfunction for a very long time. I have no interest in or respect for the institution, but I honestly never really thought it would come to this. My partner has so romanticized the idea of marriage, both for himself and for the gay community, that I never had the heart to say anything that reflected the truth of how I feel.
Fast forward to today. He is overjoyed at the prospect of getting married, and I am dreading letting him know I have no intention of marrying him. To make it even worse, there is pressure now within the gay community for committed couples (which we most assuredly are) to exercise this new and hard-won right. People like me are made to feel an obligation to get married. I definitely want to stay together, but I am rejecting marriage. It may even be the end of our relationship, which I would find devastating, but I think I am emotionally prepared for that. So, that’s where I am…any advice?
Sincerely,
Gay, Single, And Staying That Way
Dear G.S.A.S.T.W.,
You haven’t been honest with your partner thus far, but now it’s time to start. If you are adamant about this, there are no two ways about it: you have to tell him what you’ve told me. You can cushion the blow by explaining that you truly are committed to him and you can give your attitude some context by talking about the dreadful marriage in which you were raised, but there’s no two ways about it: his feelings will be badly hurt, both because you’ve lied to him these past few years and because you are not the man he will be fulfilling his dream of marriage with. You owe it to him to be completely honest with him – it’s long overdue, in fact.
I do have one more suggestion for you, however. It’s completely understandable that someone with your background would be opposed to getting married. You must realize that there’s much more to marriage than your own unfortunate experience of it, though, right? I think you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t at least discuss these issues with a therapist (assuming you haven’t done so already) before you make up your mind that there’s no way you’re ever going to say anything but, “I don’t.”
Dear John,
My best friend is an artist who has a long history of bucking the system. She lives in a very back-to-basics way and takes a certain pride in doing so. She has rejected most forms of modern technology with the exception of a cell phone, and she uses this instead of a land line. I have tried to convince her to get a computer, and time and time again she rejects my suggestion. She is a very bright, curious person and I know that she would just love all the information that is available to us online, but this is not the main reason why I am encouraging her to get with the times. She frequently will ask me to do things for her that involve sending emails, sending photos of her artwork, or doing some research, including printing out the information and either dropping it off or popping it in the mail for her. At first I did not mind and actually thought it might motivate her to get a computer for herself, but that has not worked. Her birthday is coming up and I was thinking about getting a bunch of friends to pitch in to buy her an Ipad. I am certain if she had one, she would love it! What do you think?
Signed,
Low On Ink
Dear Low On Ink,
It depends on your friend and her attitude about her low-tech lifestyle. If she simply hasn’t ever had to use a computer and therefore hasn’t had an opportunity to get accustomed to them, your very generous gift idea might be just what she needs to introduce her to the digital world. However, if she takes a lot of pride in being the rustic individualist who steadfastly refuses to buy into these glorified televisions, or something like that – in other words, if her self-identity is strongly connected to rejecting computers in all their forms – I think your gift will be a very expensive paperweight. Before you go through with your plan, you have to really think about your friend’s attitude toward technology and her refusal to use it.
Having said that, your letter contains a second question that you don’t ask, but I’m going to answer anyway: you’re under no obligation to be your friend’s reference librarian just because you’re online and she’s not. Regardless of its high-tech trappings, she’s just taking advantage of you. And if she is the kind of person who makes a big show of rejecting technology but avails herself of it through you, that’s kind of lame. If you’re willing to help her because you’re her friend or because you like her work and want to contribute to it in some small way, that’s fine. But if you’re doing it because you don’t know how to say no, maybe it’s time to get out the quill pen and write her an old-fashioned letter.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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