Dear John: Spreading the Word About STDs
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
I’m a college student. A couple of months ago, I hooked up with a guy at a party and ended up contracting a venereal disease from him. It was unpleasant, but not a big deal. It was one that was easily treatable.
I haven’t talked with him about it because to be honest, this was a one-time thing and I’m not interested in seeing him again. Okay, to be COMPLETELY honest, the whole experience was a bit yucky.
Here’s the thing, though – apparently, he’s dating an acquaintance of mine – a friend of my roommate’s. I would rather forget this whole thing happened, none of it was especially pleasant, but I feel like I have a responsibility to say something to someone, right? Him? Her? Both? Please advise.
Sincerely,
Burning Issue
Dear Burning,
The first person you have to speak to is the guy you had sex with. He has to know that he has a sexually transmitted disease that requires treatment. (He probably knows this already, but you have to talk to him to be sure. And I’m taking your word that you’re certain he’s the guy you caught it from.) Diseases like syphilis and gonorrhea may not be a “big deal” in that they can be successfully treated, but left untreated, they are huge, even lethal, deals. So talk to him.
And I would say you should give your acquaintance a heads-up, too. I don’t think you should enlist your roommate to deliver the message because you should respect this guy’s privacy, and it’s a bit presumptuous to assume they will have sex, but in this case, I think it’s best to err on the side of caution. So talk to her, too.
And consider yourself fortunate that of all the sexually transmitted diseases you could have contracted, you got one that was curable. If you’re going to have casual sex with someone you meet at a party, you have to use a condom every single time. Without fail. Having gotten lucky once, don’t push your luck again.
Dear John,
I’m a woman in my 30s and have been married and divorced twice. I’ve been dating a man who is fifteen years older than I am. He has never been married and he admits that he does not care for the institution! I really like him and, obviously, I like to be married! He’s not what I would call a “player” – he’s more of a loner. He is not dating anyone else and he doesn’t talk much about past relationships. He’s reluctant to make plans to get together – which I find extremely frustrating because I work full time and have shared custody of my children. I believe he likes me and enjoys my company, and we chat on a daily basis. My friends say his passivity is a sign of being a commitment-phobe. Should I jump ship now before I really get attached to him?
Signed,
Woman Overboard
Dear Woman Overboard,
Yes! I’m sure this guy does like you and enjoy your company. He just doesn’t want more of it. You want your relationship to deepen and grow, but he'd like it to stay exactly as it is. And I see nothing in your letter to indicate he wants to change.
You also have to consider your kids. They don’t need a guy to enter their lives only to disappear a short while later. You shouldn’t let that happen if you can avoid it. And you can.
Without knowing the details of your two failed marriages, it sounds like you may make bad choices when it comes to men. Now’s your chance to make a good one.
Dear John,
I am so sick of the same argument I have with my mother every Easter. I’m in my late 20s. I have been independent for many years and am not supported by my parents in any way. My mother makes a biiiig deal out of Easter; she expects me and my two adult siblings to accompany her and my father to Mass followed by an Easter dinner she spends days preparing.
This year, when she called to invite me (although I hesitate to call it an invitation because she simply tells me when to be where – there is an assumption that of course I will be coming), I said I would pass on Mass and just come for dinner. (She refuses to accept the fact that I don’t practice her religion any more and haven’t for years.) Well, she just hit the roof. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I’ll spare you the details, but the long and the short of it was if I don’t believe in Easter and don’t want to go to Mass, why would I come to Easter dinner? The invitation was rescinded!
That was fine with me, but now my dad, who is as kind, sweet, and gentle a man as you’ll find, has been calling me imploring me to come to Mass “so we can have Easter this year.” As much as I don’t want to give in, I can feel my resolve cracking because my dad is the poor soul who will end up bearing the brunt of this.
So what do you think? Is a principle worth standing up for if innocent bystanders get hurt? Is it okay to compromise on one’s convictions for the sake of family harmony? Or should I stick to my guns, finally?
Signed,
Easter Basket Case
Dear E.B.C.,
I say stick to your guns. It sounds like your mother’s been getting away with this act for far too long. What kind of family harmony is purchased with the threat of a hysterical outburst? It sounds to me like the harmony of hostage and captor.
And I disagree that your dad is an innocent bystander. I’m sure he is as sweet and kind as you say, but in this scenario, he is nothing short of your overbearing mother’s soft-spoken accomplice. He’s the good cop to her crazy cop. “So we can have Easter this year”? Your intransigence is cancelling everyone’s Easter? That’s as brilliant a piece of manipulation as I’ve come across in a long time. If he bears the brunt of your refusal, that’s his choice. Sparing dear old Dad is another weapon in your parents’ arsenal of ways to get you to do what they want.
Let your mother celebrate Christ’s resurrection by bullying people into grudgingly trudging to Mass with her. But don’t betray your own beliefs and go along with it.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTIf you valued this article, please LIKE GoLocalProv.com on Facebook by clicking HERE.
Related Articles
- Dear John: Unwelcome Contact
- Dear John: You Again?!?
- Dear John: When the Bathroom is the Family Room
- Dear John: You Never Forget the First Time. Whether You Want to or Not.
- Dear John: The Family Stoned
