Dear John: Like Mother, Like Daughter
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
Dear John,
I went out on a couple of dates with a woman I met through my job. She was a good bit younger than I am, but not so young that it was a big deal. These were very casual dates, and we were never more intimate than a quick good-night kiss. We still see each other through work and we’re friends, but we both felt like we weren’t hitting it off romantically. No big deal.
Here’s my question: I met her mother once (she was visiting when I picked her daughter up for dinner) and I was stunned by how attractive she was. And I don’t mean just how she looked – I mean I was really drawn to her. I follow what she’s up to on Facebook and continue to find her smart, funny, and fascinating.
By now, my question’s probably obvious. Is it okay to ask this woman out after having dated her daughter, even briefly? I have no idea if she’d even be interested, but I do know she’s single. What do you think?
Signed,
In the Middle
Dear I.T.M,
From what you’ve described, I’d say yes, it sounds fine. I think you have to handle it with some delicacy, though.
I would give her daughter a heads-up that you plan to ask her mother out. It would put her in an uncomfortable position (and perhaps make you seem a little creepy) if she heard it first from her mother. And when you tell the daughter, keep it light. Don’t ask her if she minds unless you’re willing to forget about it if she does. (I have no idea what it means when you say you met the daughter through your job, but if the daughter is in a position to derail your professional life, you should rethink this whole thing. I’m assuming this is not the case because if, for example, you’re an attorney and she’s an important client, you shouldn’t have been dating her to begin with.)
When you ask this woman out, acknowledge that it’s a little awkward. It’s certainly not the weirdest thing ever, but it’s not completely uncomplicated, either. Being open and above-board will make it about as comfortable as it can be.
Dear John,
I have a neighbor who is a recovering alcoholic. I don’t know him and his wife well, but I’ve heard this from neighbors. I’ve noticed twice now that empty vodka bottles have been deposited in our recyclables that were definitely not put there by me or my husband. My fear is that my neighbor has started drinking again. Should I say something? And to whom? I would not be doing so out of a sense of nosiness but sincere concern for their well-being. They seem like nice people.
Signed,
The Bin Next Door
Dear Bin Next Door,
Imagine you were this man. A neighbor you barely know shows up and asks if you’ve started drinking again. What would you think? Whether he has or not, I don’t see this helping him.
Your concern is admirable, but all you know is that twice, vodka bottles have shown up in your trash. You have absolutely no reason to suspect they came from him – in fact, if he were trying to hide his drinking, don’t you think he’d go a little farther afield to dispose of the evidence?
Don’t pursue this, with him or anybody else. Talking about it with your neighbors on the block will only result in the kind of gossip that destroys people’s relationships and reputations. If your next-door neighbors seem like nice people and you’re truly concerned about their well-being, why not just ask them over for dinner some time?
Dear John,
I work in a business where you get paired up with someone and basically work as a team pretty much exclusively. About a year ago, I got partnered with a guy who has asked me to “cover for him” soooooo many times! You never know if he’s going to be where he says he’s going to be until he actually shows up, and he’ll think nothing of asking me to make up an excuse if he’s going to be late to work because he stayed out late the night before or something. Normally I’d tell him to leave me out of it, but the unfortunate fact is he’s brilliant at his job and his contributions have undoubtedly made me look better. Plus, he’s a really likable guy! What would you do?
Sincerely,
The Responsible, Less-Talented One
Dear Responsible,
If this guy’s behavior is harming your company, then you owe it to yourself and your employer to tell him you’re through making excuses for him.
But your situation doesn’t sound so cut and dried. If he’s irresponsible in ways that are annoying but don’t reflect poorly on the company – for example, he misses pointless internal meetings but shows up for meetings when a client is present – then only you can decide if the benefits of working with him outweigh the costs.
If it were me, I would try to learn from him while I had the chance. Truly original, “brilliant” thinkers are rare in the business world, and you may learn things from working with him that will be invaluable later in your career. If he asks you to do something you’re really uncomfortable with (rather than merely irritated by), of course you should refuse. But if he’s making a contribution to the company and you’re learning from him, I’d indulge his unconventional style as long as I could bear it.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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