Leather Storrs: The Wrong Way to Write a Menu
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Gloria’s hand-picked heirloom mesclun and foraged purslane tumbled with brunoised red ambition shallot, hard-neck garlic, small farm Dijon, house made Zinfandel vinegar, first cold pressed arbequina olive oil, Himalayan salt flakes and toasted tellicherry pepper is a mixed green salad with vinaigrette.
Caesar salad with creamy roasted pepper and garlic dressing, bocarones, smoked dry jack cheese and Polenta croutons is not a Caesar.
Chicken+Lavender+Torpedo Onions+Pumpernickel+Bottarga Ice is an impenetrable formula designed to cow you into an insecure acquiescence.
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTBeef Short-rib Osso Buco with saffron quinoa and six citrus oregano gremolata is idiotic.
All of these constructions are examples of bad menu writing.
The first example is “The Chez Panisse Phenomenon”: Method, varietal and provenance exhaustively detailed in order to alert you to the thoughtfulness and uniqueness of your experience. Sure it’s a green salad, but look at the care and attention we apply to its creation! You should think about our impeccable curating of product instead of the fact that we are asking $15 for the privilege of eating something you could very nearly replicate at home.
The second example represents the appropriation of a collectively understood term in order to deliver you something kooky while keeping you comfortable. Caesar salad is a codified recipe that includes egg, garlic, lemon juice, anchovies, olive oil, parmesan, romaine lettuce and croutons (of bread). When Chefs borrow these names as umbrellas for their own creativity, the term we all understand becomes meaningless.
The third example is a fairly new development. The plus sign between unmodified ingredients suggests some science going on. The decision to list rather than explain allows the Chef to manipulate the ingredients with impunity so as to deliver a Eureka moment to the diner. Thus, our listed dish might be lavender rubbed sous vide chicken neck and skin teeter tottering on a single, compressed caraway pickled onion ring floating in an inky puree of roasted onion and black rye bread. At the table, your pierced and painted server grates frozen cured fish eggs over all. WTF?!?!?
Finally, my favorite: Short rib Osso Buco, saffron quinoa and 6 citrus oregano gremolata. Osso Buco means “bone with a hole.” Shank bones, from the leg of the animal, have holes full of marrow in their center. Short rib bones do not. Like the Caesar, this example also represents the re-jiggering of a classic dish. The Italian Osso buco is a braised veal shank with saffron risotto and a sprinkling of parsley, garlic and lemon zest. Not only does this dish tinker with each and every aspect of the classic, it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of anatomy. Hey Chef, shouldn’t you know your meat cuts?
Menu writing is a covenant between the Chef and the customer. At worst, these examples create confusion, frustration and insecurity in diners. At best, they provide an opportunity for customers to interact with their server in the hopes of unpacking the nature of what is about arrive from the kitchen. Unfortunately, even in the best case scenario, side effects include further confusion and a stretching of server’s ability: While they are explaining the “Compression of Autumn Flavors” to one table, they are not at yours.
Leather Storrs is an Oregon native who has served 20 years in professional kitchens. He owns a piece of two area restaurants: Noble rot and nobleoni at Oregon College of Art and Craft, where he yells and waves arms. He quietly admits to having been a newspaper critic in Austin, Texas and Portland.
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